Suicidal thoughts out of nowhere?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jeroen, Jan 9, 2012.

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  1. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    For a few days now I have very intense suicidal thoughts and I'm not sure where they are coming from. I could be reasonably happy with my life as it's going at the moment but for some reason I am not. I want my life to end. Is this just something that will go away in a few weeks or is there something I should do?
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi jeroen,

    First, I attest to how hard temptations of suicidal thoughts can be to it okay if I ask you how university is going? In all respects, I don't think any of us can know when your suicidal thoughts will go away. Also, I was wondering if you looked into trying meds recently, or whether it is something you are not keen on at the moment.....anyhow, I'm really sorry you're having these thoughts, and I hope tomorrow is better for you. :hug:

  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Joroen if the thoughts of doing suicide are really intense and you are thinking of doing this, then you need to get some professional help rite now.. do you have any professional mental health persons available that you are currently seeing??? if yes, then get in touch with them now and let them know what you are thinking now.. if you currently do not have these people then you need to take some postive steps yourself.. the national crisis line for the USA is 1-800-273-TALK.. this will route you to a local crisis line in your area.. if not in USA the forum just south of this forum "links adn rresources" lists crisis numbers for many countries.. these people are used to ppl calling in severe crisis..

    you can also go to a hospitals emergency room.. call the police .. 911 in the USA..

    only you can judge if my above is necessary now.. think no matter that you need to talk to a professional person about this if this continues.. you take care, Jim
  4. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    University is going OK. It's not smooth sailing but I could pass all my courses for this year. It stresses me out immensely but to be honest the only problem I have at the moment is that I was too late to enroll in a course and would have to pay a small fine to enroll. So it's not really problematic... If these thoughts go away anytime soon at least. I think these thoughts are mainly a reaction to the very stressful holiday season and they will go away soon. At the moment though it is like my brain and body are trying to shutdown.

    I don't think my situation is serious enough to ask for medication or other kinds of professional help. The suicidal part of me is not powerful enough to make me really act out on these thoughts, not even close. More importantly, by the time I get to the top of the waiting list these thoughts are probably gone. And that is speaking from experience.
  5. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    Professionals... apart from the last one I visited they were all completely worthless. With the last one I enhanced my coping skills. I am not completely opposed to the idea of getting help, but just getting help to improve those times when I am really feeling suicidal is not worth the trouble. If I recall correctly the last time I felt suicidal was when I joined this board, almost a year ago. But it's hard to grasp the underlying problem and tell a professional, they usually just don't get it and that is no wonder, I don't either.
  6. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    The coping skills I discussed with my therapist seem to be working better than I had imagined. They actually make me feel more in control of the situation and less helpless, despite having a rotten day I don't feel suicidal anymore. Main skill I used? Asking for help... I know, this sounds silly.
  7. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    Could it be that I'm just "chemically" depressed!?
  8. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    Still depressed and suicidal. Still no idea where it's coming from.
  9. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    Still suicidal. I have looked into getting help. Impossible.
  10. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that your still feeling suicidal :( At least your searching and looking to getting help. It may seem impossible but don't give up - there's many of professional help programs out their. :hug:

  11. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    Today I decided to kill myself this night, then I decided I would not kill myself tonight but next Sunday, then I decided I would not kill myself very soon because I want to have a life with my wife. I have so much to live for but there is this black cloud that makes everything seem worthless and I'm not enjoying life at all.
  12. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    I try
    to kill myself in small amounts,
    an innocuous occupation.
    Actually I'm hung up on it.
    But remember I don't make too much noise.
    And frankly no on has to lug me out
    and I don't stand there in my winding sheet.
    I'm a little buttercup in my yellow nightie
    eating my eight loaves in a row
    and in a certain order as in
    the laying on of hands
    or the black sacrament.

    It's a ceremony
    but like any other sport
    it's full of rules.
    It's like a musical tennis match where
    my mouth keeps catching the ball.
    Then I lie on my altar
    elevated by the eight chemical kisses.

    What a lay me down this is
    with two pink, two orange,
    two green, two white goodnights.
    Now I'm borrowed.
    Now I'm numb."

    Anne Sexton, The Addict

    (this came to mind instead of an answer)
  13. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    Are you sure you are replying in the right thread?
  14. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    How can you still say that? The previous time I was feeling this bad I asked a professional for help, the time before that I asked a professional for help. Do you see the pattern? Before that I have seen a lot of so-called professionals too, I don't think they have helped me much, a few of them only made things worse. I don't want to continue asking for professional help, I really don't. I'm done with them.

    On the other hand... there does not seem to be any other option. So I'm screwed.
  15. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    Reading back I see that this mind sound really harsh, but as I read it this poem is about addiction, something I don't struggle with thankfully.
  16. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    I used to read about 'major depressive disorder' and I couldn't relate to it, but I have just read about atypical depression and it seems to tick all the boxes. Especially because it seems to be linked to stuff like social phobia and weight gain (not loss) and 'mood reactivity'. Is it OK to just go to my GP with the Wikipedia page printed out and marking the stuff I can relate to?
  17. Waster

    Waster Member

    Can you explain what you mean?

    You're not alone in feeling that way sometimes.
  18. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

    I mean that I overeat when I am feeling depressed, I don't stop eating as is often said in texts about depression. Also, I know I'm not alone, but I feel that is hardly relevant. Together unhappy is still unhappy, right?
  19. Waster

    Waster Member

    Oh I see, I too have issues.. not really food but my weight.
    I disagree, nothing is worse when you're alone and feeling like this.

    Have you went to a professional about these feelings? If so, what was the outcome?
  20. jeroen

    jeroen Well-Known Member

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