Suicidal thoughts surfaced recently, and it scared the shit out of me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thoma, Mar 5, 2012.

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  1. thoma

    thoma New Member

    For the majority of my life, I've been depressed. It was always pretty bad, but at least manageable. It manifested in me being unable to feel excitement, and I've honestly felt little besides emptiness and sadness and anger for a long time. Any happiness has been fleeting, and I've always been incredibly aware of my failings, as my dad has had no problem making sure I was aware of them. Things got really bad a few years ago when my mom lost her job. I was in high school and having an unemployed parent made an already hard life even worse. I felt so alone, because I couldn't let anyone know how much I was hurting. My friends were all living at least somewhat happy lives, meeting girls, succeeding in that aspect, and I wanted little else. My failures in that department were all to apparent, and it destroyed me. But I got through it, and eventually went to college. I met a girl, we fell in love, and we dated for 5 months and 30 days. The day before our 6 month anniversary, she didn't acknowledge my existence until after the class we shared, and then it was only to say that she was sorry. We walked to the campus lake, she broke up with me, at one point requested a hug, which hurt more than anything I've ever felt. Since then, I've been gone mentally, unable to function outside of the internet. I've let no one know how much it's tearing me up inside, because I can't. My thoughts are constantly on her, and how worthless and terrible I feel. I feel so alone, and I have no idea how to make it stop. I never had a legitimate suicidal thought until last Friday. That was the point that it legitimately coursed through my mind. I don't want to feel this way. I'm so tired of hurting. It's worse now that I've had a taste of happiness. I want to erase all my memories of her because they hurt so much. I just want to crawl into a hole and stop existing.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Thoma and sounds like it might be time to chose a trustworthy person and tell him/her how you are feeling...also, many talking to a professional and seeing where these thoughts/feelings are coming from might be helpful...there are many people here who truly understand what you are going through, so this might also be a good place to reveal how you are doing...please keep posting and letting us know what is going on..welcome again
  3. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    We're here for you pal. Given how long you've been depressed, I think you've got enough willpower to pull through a bit longer. Have you considered medication of any kind?
  4. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Thoma- I understand where you are coming from. My step dad would constantly tell me I was worthless ect all my young life. He did this out of fear and care, but he failed to realize that he was making me miserable at the same time. Parents are people too. Meaning they don't have a better grasp on life than the next person. We are all wandering aimlessly trying to figure life out, and when we get into stressful situations we lash out on those we love. We don't mean to but it happens. I forgave my step-dad, and I hope some day you can too. It took me a long time to realize that I can change my life by making different decisions in my life. I constantly made the same ol' same ol' choices and expected things to change. Wrong. Take a step into the opposite direction my friend. Dating is supposed to help us figure what we want in a mate. Instead of focusing on what you miss about your ex focus on what you don't miss about her. Image what they perfect woman would be for you. Life is all about learning my friend and as long as you look at every experience this way. You won't be able to get hurt so bad. There are answers to every question in life. Ask, seek, and knock and it will all be given to you. My heart goes out to you and everyone in this forum because I WAS where you all are. I made it out! I made it out of the cubby hole of depression, rejection, and suicidal thoughts. All of you can too. Don't give up you life to death. Give up the life you have always known for a better one! All it takes is the decision to do it, and the determination to make the first step. You can do it! I believe in you: truly believe you can do this.
  5. thoma

    thoma New Member

    Thank you. I haven't had a day as bad as that one, but it's still been bad. I'm not to the point of legitimately considering suicide, just..I don't know. I just wanted it to end, and for a while part of me thought it was the best option. I've considered seeing a professional and getting medication, but I can't really afford it. My parents barely make enough to survive, and what little extra they have goes towards me being here in college. My performance seems to have dipped lately, as well, which has definitely been a contributing factor. I've been even more forgetful than usual, and it's led to a lot of anger. My knuckle is currently bruised from punching a wall, which is a new experience. I've never punched a wall hard enough to actually bruise the hand. I think getting my feelings out helped a lot though. Today's sadness was less intense than before. I think more than anything I wish I knew what to do. I feel completely lost. I'm currently stuck in a transition state, and I feel stagnant. I go to college in a small town, with basically nothing to do. I'm also in a dual enrollment program, and as a part of that program I have a curfew. The dorms have unopenable windows, and cameras in the hallway outside to ensure we don't break curfew. I feel so trapped sometimes. Next year I'll go somewhere else, which should hopefully be better, but I just don't know. I thought coming here would make it better, which it did for a while, but it was only temporary.
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