For the majority of my life, I've been depressed. It was always pretty bad, but at least manageable. It manifested in me being unable to feel excitement, and I've honestly felt little besides emptiness and sadness and anger for a long time. Any happiness has been fleeting, and I've always been incredibly aware of my failings, as my dad has had no problem making sure I was aware of them. Things got really bad a few years ago when my mom lost her job. I was in high school and having an unemployed parent made an already hard life even worse. I felt so alone, because I couldn't let anyone know how much I was hurting. My friends were all living at least somewhat happy lives, meeting girls, succeeding in that aspect, and I wanted little else. My failures in that department were all to apparent, and it destroyed me. But I got through it, and eventually went to college. I met a girl, we fell in love, and we dated for 5 months and 30 days. The day before our 6 month anniversary, she didn't acknowledge my existence until after the class we shared, and then it was only to say that she was sorry. We walked to the campus lake, she broke up with me, at one point requested a hug, which hurt more than anything I've ever felt. Since then, I've been gone mentally, unable to function outside of the internet. I've let no one know how much it's tearing me up inside, because I can't. My thoughts are constantly on her, and how worthless and terrible I feel. I feel so alone, and I have no idea how to make it stop. I never had a legitimate suicidal thought until last Friday. That was the point that it legitimately coursed through my mind. I don't want to feel this way. I'm so tired of hurting. It's worse now that I've had a taste of happiness. I want to erase all my memories of her because they hurt so much. I just want to crawl into a hole and stop existing.