I've been really obsessed lately with death, the afterlife, and suicide. The only thing that's stopped me in the past is the fact family members will find me and the thought of that makes me feel sick cause I have a really good family and support. But I fear I can't go on living. It's mostly due to mental illness. I feel like I'm never going to be quite right. I'm always stuck inside my head. When my mood is up I'm anxious, when it's down I'm depressed and suicidal. The drugs I take used to give me some peaceful moments but lately they haven't been giving me even that. I'm always concerned about how I feel and how I think. I can rarely get outside of my head anymore and just enjoy the moment. It's the thing that's mostly destroying me. It's like not being able to turn off your thinking and the thinking is always negative. I've lost my lust for life. Nothing matters to me anymore. I can't get passionate about anything. I have no lust for anything. I've been considering leaving a note that I'm leaving, going to start a life elsewhere and that I won't be back. And then offing myself far away at a place where nobody will find me. I've never attempted before however. I'm somewhat scared of what lies beyond, but in my opinion it will be one of two things. Just like before we were born, or there will be a God but a God accepting of everyone. I don't think there is a hell. I'm already in hell anyways. I've been to this place before and emerged, but this time I'm without hope for the future. My emotions are playing only a small role now. I mostly feel suicidal on a different level. More that I just can't see my life getting any better from here on out and nobody is going to convince me of otherwise. So I don't know what I'm going to do, just wanted to put my thoughts into writing.