Suicidal thoughts today

[Raineydays]

I keep a suicide kit next to my bed. My fiancé doesn’t know. Today I felt like such a disappointment that I pulled it out and wrote my suicide notes. I got ready to take it but still didn’t take it. I’m scared though. I was very close that time. And I feel like I just get closer and closer to doing it by the day. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to walk to. I’m scared. I feel like I’ll eventually do it. I think about it nearly everyday. Today was the closest I had ever come to doing it. What can I do? I don’t want to tell my fiancé. The last time I mentioned it he told me to “not pull that card.” I don’t think he believes I’ll do it. But I’m just tired of being everyone’s burden. In a way I wish it was easier for me to do so I could just be done with everything. But in another way, I genuinely want help because I’m afraid of hurting myself.

 

[sinking_ship]

Hi, welcome to SF. Do you want to say more about what's going on that's got you feeling so poorly?

 

[Raineydays]

I guess it’s just I feel like I have nothing to contribute. I dropped out of school after my father left to help my mother. Now I feel like my whole family is disappointed in me because my life has amounted to nothing. I’m a stay at home wife, but it seems like everyday my husband is mad at me for doing something wrong. I wake up or fall asleep to text messages of him telling me all the things I did wrong and how he’s an idiot for not just doing it himself and for trusting me. I have trouble getting out of bed everyday. I keep having resurfacing disturbing memories from my childhood and flashbacks to my rape. I just feel like I’m at the end of my rope. My heart feels like it’s breaking everyday. And with everything happening in the U.S. it’s made it harder. There is so much violence In the world right now. I just feel like the scared little girl I was back in my childhood who is just looking for an escape.

 

[sinking_ship]

You are so young, I don't think you can say your life has amounted to nothing. You have all the time in the world to go back to school if you wanted to, or to find yourself a rewarding job.

It sounds like your partner isn't very supportive. Do you have anyone in your life who is? Your mother maybe?

Have you sought therapy to deal with any of this?

I know the world does make things extra hard right now. I'd recommend avoiding the news for a bit, it can help you to get a better perspective if you're not reading all the negative stuff.

It's okay to be scared. But you can make it through this. One day at a time. You're not alone here.

 

[Raineydays]

Thank you. Even though I’m so young my family always had been expectations. I was in honors from middle school to high school, had a full ride to a private university, and was doing extremely well there. But when I left I was constantly guilted and made fun of because I couldn’t finish my four years. I lost most of my friends. Truthfully I don’t have any friends now outside of my family. And I have no motivation anymore to help me get somewhere. How do you get the motivation you lost back? I’m having trouble even showering and brushing my teeth daily. I’ve not really been taking care of myself at all. How do I get the strength to do that again?

 

[Champagne]

The last time I mentioned it he told me to “not pull that card.”

Him saying this just proves he has no clue about depression/suicidal thoughts, it is best not to get into an argument about it.

Speak to professionals instead such as a doctor/psych/therapist - get RID of the suicide kit, while it might feel like the only solution, its a solution that will ever give you a happy life, you deserve better for yourself, be kinder to yourself.

Btw, welcome to SF, this is a safe environment where no-one will judge you and you can use it as a safety net. We wouldn't be replying if we didn't truly have an interest in you getting better.

Get pro help as soon as possible and we will be here for you too!!

 

[KM76710]

Hello and welcome, good to see that you are here and joining in with other who often feel the same and may be able to offer advice and comfort for you.

 

[sinking_ship]

Thank you. Even though I’m so young my family always had been expectations. I was in honors from middle school to high school, had a full ride to a private university, and was doing extremely well there. But when I left I was constantly guilted and made fun of because I couldn’t finish my four years. I lost most of my friends. Truthfully I don’t have any friends now outside of my family. And I have no motivation anymore to help me get somewhere. How do you get the motivation you lost back? I’m having trouble even showering and brushing my teeth daily. I’ve not really been taking care of myself at all. How do I get the strength to do that again?

Wow, that's really cruel of people to make fun of you for that. Plenty of people don't finish university for all sorts of reasons, there's no shame in that. And like I said, if you wanted to, you could still go back someday.

You get it back a little at a time. And you let yourself feel good for the little wins. Brush your teeth tonight before bed, and let yourself smile a little at the win. Maybe tomorrow or the next day it'll be a little easier to do it.

But also therapy and/or meds can help a lot, if you haven't gone down that route yet.

 

[Waves]

Hi Rainey. You mentioned being violated when young, your dad abandoning the family, your mom needing care, and quitting school because of it. Critical question is how is mom?

 

[JDot]

Hey @Raineydays I can sense you're in a lot of pain. You'll always have a place here to share your pain. Pain shared is pain lessened. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here.

 

[Lane]

I keep a suicide kit next to my bed. My fiancé doesn’t know. Today I felt like such a disappointment that I pulled it out and wrote my suicide notes. I got ready to take it but still didn’t take it. I’m scared though. I was very close that time. And I feel like I just get closer and closer to doing it by the day. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to walk to. I’m scared. I feel like I’ll eventually do it. I think about it nearly everyday. Today was the closest I had ever come to doing it. What can I do? I don’t want to tell my fiancé. The last time I mentioned it he told me to “not pull that card.” I don’t think he believes I’ll do it. But I’m just tired of being everyone’s burden. In a way I wish it was easier for me to do so I could just be done with everything. But in another way, I genuinely want help because I’m afraid of hurting myself.

Hello @Raineydays. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad that you found this forum. Many of the members here, including myself found it while at our lowest points. I'm sorry that life is so difficult right now.

Those urges can feel very strong and I hope you can come here for support. Please stay safe and don't hurt yourself. You sound like a good person that needs some support.

 

[Lane]

Thank you. Even though I’m so young my family always had been expectations. I was in honors from middle school to high school, had a full ride to a private university, and was doing extremely well there. But when I left I was constantly guilted and made fun of because I couldn’t finish my four years. I lost most of my friends. Truthfully I don’t have any friends now outside of my family. And I have no motivation anymore to help me get somewhere. How do you get the motivation you lost back? I’m having trouble even showering and brushing my teeth daily. I’ve not really been taking care of myself at all. How do I get the strength to do that again?

I take medicine for depression along with other things. Self care is the first sign of depression. Staying in bed, not wanting to shower, not wanting to brush teeth, etc.

I'm lucky to work, now half week in office/home so I have to get up. But a routine helps me or walking. Just stopping that thinking of suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I'll just sleep if I cant stop it.

 

[Kira]

A warm welcome to SF

I’m having trouble even showering and brushing my teeth daily. I’ve not really been taking care of myself at all. How do I get the strength to do that again?

Please try to be gentle and kind to yourself and with some time, and patience, you can hopefully start to see some improvement. Take things at an easy pace and remind yourself of how amazing you are (whether you can see it or not).

Here's a few little pointers to help you along the way... ox