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suicidal thoughts

Talia862

Well-Known Member
#1
I feel like I went for a long time without feeling suicidal, months, and I've been so scared of COVID (I'm in a high risk group due to my medical condition) and wanting to live.

But tonight I'm having really bad suicidal thoughts. I was just sitting there reading a book when I suddenly felt tempted to end my life. Just out of the blue like that. I have a hard life. I'm in pain all the time. I feel SO ALONE and isolated, by myself. I mean, I've always been isolated, for years, I have no friends nearby and I spend 99% of my time alone, but I at least used to have a home health aide and she is gone because I'm trying to minimize the people I have contact with. My home health aide has five kids all in school, and it didn't seem safe.

I keep wanting to hurt myself. Sometimes in the past, when I felt this way, I used to start a suicide attempt and try to stop it at the very last moment before I would die. I feel tempted to try that now. I feel very ambivalent, part of me wants to die, part of me wants to live. Part of me wants to die, and that seems like the biggest part. I want to escape my pain. I want to kill myself, and I don't know why those thoughts are suddenly back, right out of the blue, and so strong. I have bipolar disorder, and I know my suicidal thoughts are a symptom. I thought back and wondered if I had missed any medication, but I haven't. I don't know why I am suddenly filled with an urge to kill myself. It is so strong though. I feel like I'm never going to make it. I feel like even if it's not tonight, I will one day die by suicide. So why not now? I don't even understand why I feel this way. Things are bad, but no worse than a week ago when I was so worried about COVID and wanted to live. I don't understand my own head.

Anyway, can anyone remind me of the reasons I shouldn't do it? I think I need reminding. I know there are reasons, but I'm struggling to remember them
 

Wikus

Well-Known Member
#2
This hits back home... I don't have bipolar but I have experienced similar mood shifts in relation to suicidal thoughts. I remember thinking the same way you did, one day I will probably die at my own hands and that it's inevitable. I don't think it changes overtime either but what I can tell you is that learning to appreciate what is around me helped keep the 'devil' away. I feel like in those moments of suicidal thoughts, you become so shortsighted that you literally forget about the positive things you have achieved or just outright water them down. So I get what you meant with your last line. Another grim thought that can help if only temporary is thinking of the person to discover your body. I can't imagine to think about my mom finding my lifeless body, putting the pieces together of what just happened. You came to the right place for this btw because SF is amazing at reminding each one of us just how amazing we actually are. My thought and energy is with you, much love!
 
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GMody

Well-Known Member
#3
I too have bipolar disorder but at present don't have suicidal thoughts but I used to. You need to distract yourself with activity or hobby that you like. Think of positive stuff. Also how your suicide will devastate your loved ones. I think of my children if I do get suicidal thoughts.
 

emily91

Well-Known Member
#4
hey talia,

what hobbies/ interests do you have?. what have you done when you've gotten like this before?

just remember: this is all you get. once your life ends, that's all. 1 shot, just 1

all of us are here for you
 

GMody

Well-Known Member
#6
Ya. Are u on meds? If meds not working you need to meet your psychiatrist. I am on same meds since approx 1.5 years. I meet my psychiatrist every two to three months when he reviews my meds. I also had counseling for 2 months. You need to go to therapy. It will help you.
 

MisterBGone

o O Oo oO oOo O ooo..!;)~
SF Supporter
#7
From what I remember, and from what I'm gathering from reading your post here (& now); is that you are a fairly astute and reasonable person, who is also highly intelligent. : ) I think that, if it were me in your shoes--I would not want, (n)or wish to choose the act based on a feeling--however! Strong. . . that is based/or rooted in "impulse." In other words, if I were to do the deed, then I'd like to be darn sure that it is being done in a logical, and practical or rational reason / or - "view," for lack of a better... ; ) Now, what I would especially not like to see, or end up having have happen (god i'm so good w/words this ~morn')! . . . is to do it = then later realize; it Is NOT the RIGHT Reason! ( : So, if I were to wake up in a couple of days, a couple of weeks whatever... And this is Not the decision I would have made. Then I am going to be thusly double disappointed and upset at my rash & reactionary decision (because it will have turned out to be the "wrong call!"). Make sense? Probably not... I can barely go back and re-read this with how scattered my brain is these days! ;D Peace & wishing you good luck_ ( :
 

MisterBGone

o O Oo oO oOo O ooo..!;)~
SF Supporter
#8
-shortened version: hate to just do it on a 'gut,' feeling or impulse ~act of "intuitive powers," / or. . . Intuition! :^)
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#10
You might not have much to live for at the moment, combine that with stress and the suicidality comes out. My advice would be to try finding some easy things you can enjoy. This in combination with keeping the stress levels as low as possible.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#11
I feel like I went for a long time without feeling suicidal, months, and I've been so scared of COVID (I'm in a high risk group due to my medical condition) and wanting to live.

But tonight I'm having really bad suicidal thoughts. I was just sitting there reading a book when I suddenly felt tempted to end my life. Just out of the blue like that. I have a hard life. I'm in pain all the time. I feel SO ALONE and isolated, by myself. I mean, I've always been isolated, for years, I have no friends nearby and I spend 99% of my time alone, but I at least used to have a home health aide and she is gone because I'm trying to minimize the people I have contact with. My home health aide has five kids all in school, and it didn't seem safe.

I keep wanting to hurt myself. Sometimes in the past, when I felt this way, I used to start a suicide attempt and try to stop it at the very last moment before I would die. I feel tempted to try that now. I feel very ambivalent, part of me wants to die, part of me wants to live. Part of me wants to die, and that seems like the biggest part. I want to escape my pain. I want to kill myself, and I don't know why those thoughts are suddenly back, right out of the blue, and so strong. I have bipolar disorder, and I know my suicidal thoughts are a symptom. I thought back and wondered if I had missed any medication, but I haven't. I don't know why I am suddenly filled with an urge to kill myself. It is so strong though. I feel like I'm never going to make it. I feel like even if it's not tonight, I will one day die by suicide. So why not now? I don't even understand why I feel this way. Things are bad, but no worse than a week ago when I was so worried about COVID and wanted to live. I don't understand my own head.

Anyway, can anyone remind me of the reasons I shouldn't do it? I think I need reminding. I know there are reasons, but I'm struggling to remember them
i understand not wanting to live in the pain anymore. i also in a place when suicide is a prominent thought in my head because of my pain and health issues. but i also want to live to the last possible day. all you can do is look for any positive things in your life. for now talk with people online and when covid is over then you can get out with people irl again. i hope you feel better soon...mike...*hug*shake
 

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