I feel like I went for a long time without feeling suicidal, months, and I've been so scared of COVID (I'm in a high risk group due to my medical condition) and wanting to live.
But tonight I'm having really bad suicidal thoughts. I was just sitting there reading a book when I suddenly felt tempted to end my life. Just out of the blue like that. I have a hard life. I'm in pain all the time. I feel SO ALONE and isolated, by myself. I mean, I've always been isolated, for years, I have no friends nearby and I spend 99% of my time alone, but I at least used to have a home health aide and she is gone because I'm trying to minimize the people I have contact with. My home health aide has five kids all in school, and it didn't seem safe.
I keep wanting to hurt myself. Sometimes in the past, when I felt this way, I used to start a suicide attempt and try to stop it at the very last moment before I would die. I feel tempted to try that now. I feel very ambivalent, part of me wants to die, part of me wants to live. Part of me wants to die, and that seems like the biggest part. I want to escape my pain. I want to kill myself, and I don't know why those thoughts are suddenly back, right out of the blue, and so strong. I have bipolar disorder, and I know my suicidal thoughts are a symptom. I thought back and wondered if I had missed any medication, but I haven't. I don't know why I am suddenly filled with an urge to kill myself. It is so strong though. I feel like I'm never going to make it. I feel like even if it's not tonight, I will one day die by suicide. So why not now? I don't even understand why I feel this way. Things are bad, but no worse than a week ago when I was so worried about COVID and wanted to live. I don't understand my own head.
Anyway, can anyone remind me of the reasons I shouldn't do it? I think I need reminding. I know there are reasons, but I'm struggling to remember them
But tonight I'm having really bad suicidal thoughts. I was just sitting there reading a book when I suddenly felt tempted to end my life. Just out of the blue like that. I have a hard life. I'm in pain all the time. I feel SO ALONE and isolated, by myself. I mean, I've always been isolated, for years, I have no friends nearby and I spend 99% of my time alone, but I at least used to have a home health aide and she is gone because I'm trying to minimize the people I have contact with. My home health aide has five kids all in school, and it didn't seem safe.
I keep wanting to hurt myself. Sometimes in the past, when I felt this way, I used to start a suicide attempt and try to stop it at the very last moment before I would die. I feel tempted to try that now. I feel very ambivalent, part of me wants to die, part of me wants to live. Part of me wants to die, and that seems like the biggest part. I want to escape my pain. I want to kill myself, and I don't know why those thoughts are suddenly back, right out of the blue, and so strong. I have bipolar disorder, and I know my suicidal thoughts are a symptom. I thought back and wondered if I had missed any medication, but I haven't. I don't know why I am suddenly filled with an urge to kill myself. It is so strong though. I feel like I'm never going to make it. I feel like even if it's not tonight, I will one day die by suicide. So why not now? I don't even understand why I feel this way. Things are bad, but no worse than a week ago when I was so worried about COVID and wanted to live. I don't understand my own head.
Anyway, can anyone remind me of the reasons I shouldn't do it? I think I need reminding. I know there are reasons, but I'm struggling to remember them