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suicidal thoughts

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Hey, so i'm new to these forums because i'm really confused about what i'm going through and just seeing if I can get any advice.

So anyway I've been comtemplating suicide for a long time (around 3 years) and it's weird because I shouldn't be feeling like this because I went to a good school where I was quite well known, wouldn't say popular but I did get invited to all the parties etc you know how it is. Also at the moment i'm in a good course at university and I have a great family and friends (most of the time) but I can't help but wanting to give it all up.

I won't get into too much detail but I have a few family problems. Both my parents are divorce (but that hasn't been a big issue for me because it happened so young I grew up with it). My mum can be a bitch, she's really controlling over my life even though I don't live with her. The only reason why i'm in the course that I am in at uni is because of her. If it were up to me i'd be doing something I like. I have a sister whose at university with a child who I sometimes have to take care of along with my other sister and my dad. In my family we fight a lot and most of the time it's just normal but other times it just makes me really angry. I guess it's just the fights and the stress that's making me really pissed off and I just end up crying all the time. :/

During the past year I've turned to alcohol and going out clubbing/partying to help me get over all these issues and getting really drunk which leads to another thing, promiscuity. Recently i've been really promiscuous and just go around hooking up with various guys. Not randoms, just guys I know from school etc and they'll all clean (i'm guessing there are because I don't have anything). Not gonna lie I like it, it's fun I guess but I'm not too proud of it either. I don't know why I do it, I think maybe because i'm a little insecure but I don't know.

Anyway through all this it just makes me depressed and angry and I just think about suicide, I do so much research and method research these days it's freaking me out. The only reason why I haven't done it yet is because I was raised as a Catholic and I still attend church and I believe in all that afterlife stuff about the soul and what not so I don't want to do it. I can live with sinning but actual killing myself it considered the ultimate sin blahblah you know how it goes.

Please don't call me selfish or anything, I know I probably am and I feel so terrible for being it but I can't help it. I know I should appreciate my life because it is good but I can't help but think about dieing and how much better it would be for me. Just wondering if anyone had any suggestions or any similar experiences I could learn from.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi Welcome to SF sounds like you are trying to bury all the sadness in your life instead why not go get some therapy to help you cope differently okay. Therapy will adresse the issues you have not dealt with in the past and put you on a different path to healing. Also talk with your doctor about getting on some meds to help you with your depression your thoughts of suicide stress is a big cause of depression and getting help now you can start feeling better sooner. Coucelors at your school is a great place to start talk they will direct you to other professionals as well to help you The coping skills you are using now will only take you deeper into despair so please start talking okay to your doctor and the councilors at your school.
hello and welcome!

yeah, therapy sounds good.

Maybe having a stronger emotional connection to guys that you hook up with would be better?

would you want to get a medical leave of absence from school?
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