I'm not sure that I actually am suicidal. I suspect that I am not. I do have feelings that my life is worthless. I'm a graduate student but I don't feel my area of study is worthwhile, and I don't feel competent to work at any job, let alone as a professor or researcher (what I'm going in for) especially because I have ADD. I also have no friends and my family is emotionally damaging and manipulative a good portion of the time. I've recently been getting treatment for panic disorder: that has been very effective, and i'm no longer in constant fear throughout my day which used to paralyze me from doing anything. Today I started on my way to wallgreens to pick up a 1 1/4 by 1 1/2 inch foto for a FOID card. I don't think I could actually shoot myself, but when I get depressed I usually take some steps towards getting the card. Today I got depressed on the way there and went back home to continue working- never actually bought the photo. I spend all my time studying and I have no feeling of job security or sense of respect from my peers. I do not have time to pursue the things I enjoy in life, and Ive wasted years of my life working my ass off only to perform sub-par to my peers because of my ADD and emotional problems (not to mention general ignorance). I have a hard time imagining myself giving away my major posessions, so I doubt I'm serious about killing myself, and the fact that I am pursuing a FOID card rather than a <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> kinda says to me that I'm not really that serious in the end- There are more sure and less painful ways to die. Just the same, I'm pretty miserable. I doubt posting on a random forum can possibly be useful. The last thing I need is hospitalization. Still, not sure what else to do, so there it is.