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Suicidal urge is rising.

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Don't know if anyone remembers my earlier postings here as they are a bit sporadical. I've had some (actually a lot) troubles with my relationship of nearly 10 years. Well separation is now reality. A few weeks ago I moved to another town alone to pursue a life of studying. It was a very stressful time and we were fighting constantly, it didn't end at all as I would have wanted.

So now I'm living by myself for the first time in ages and the first week of school is behind me. The thing is I've been almost paralyzed by anxiety all the time. I have barely managed to get myself to school and the whole time there I've been like a living corpse basically. This thing has gotten so bad that contact with other people is seemingly impossible now.

Really dark thoughts have entered my subconsiousness. I'm struggling now, every minute of every hour. It's weekend now and I haven't got a single person here I could talk to or (try to) socialize with. Don't know what's going to happen on monday but I'm scared as hell I'll slip into some dark place during my solitude here. I'm still not suicidal but the thought of dying is starting to feel comforting.

I also suffer from a pretty intense social anxiety and the only way I can manage with people is if I'm brimming with positive energy. The problem is everything is escalating to the point of breakage when I'm by myself. I guess you could say I'm my own worst enemy. Right now just the thought of giving an oral presentation makes me panic, and from what I understand I'll be giving them on almost every class I'm taking.

Sigh, I had thought that it would be possible to start a new life but the truth is dawning on me hard now. I can never escape this hell as it is inside me.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
YOU can hun with help decrease that anxiety okay Go to the doctor today hun see someone today and get on some medication to take that anxiety down some okay. lst week school there will be activities to get people to know eachother try to attend some of those activities if you can First you get to doctor okay at the school or at the hospital and get medicaiton now before it does get worse. YOU concentrate on YOU now hun no one else okay get support for you okay Let the councillor at your school know about your anxiety issues get a note from your doctor as sometimes then you just have to present your notes to the teacher not the whole class reach out okay please do sit and do nothing hun go get help for you now start of the school year now okay
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