Suicidal.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Nov 6, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    I've been considering suicide on and off for the last few weeks, I'm really giving it thought currently. I've been through the aftermath of suicide attempted that failed twice. Once I was ignored and I got condescended too by a nurse, another time I was put into hospital because my school were worried they'd be sued if I died on their premises. Whilst not really suicide attempts I've cut deeply enough to require stitches, and at the worst been told off by a very very angry teacher who was shaking with her anger because I came into school with blood all over me and crying.

    A few years ago I stopped goint to school, stayed in my dark room everyday, stopped talking at times and spent all my time reading to escape my life. Leaving the door was hard, leaving after 3PM was impossible. Traveling on busses, especially certain busses was too difficult to contemplate, and having a conversation with anyone below 30 was impossible. I was trying to end my life, I was running away from home, I was so angry and depressed I couldn't cope. There were times, especially when my mum was affected by her bipolar, where I barely talked each day, sometimes there would be 1 conversation every day and that was it. I spent more time talking to myself than anyone around me. Originally they thought I had schizophrenia from voices I heard, but I'd invented them to escape the quietness and darkness of my life back then.
    It took so much energy to get where I am. I can leave the house, I can get on busses. I can talk to anyone of any age, though under certain conditions I find it difficult. I was even forced to go back into my old highschool which had 1000+ kids for 3 classes every week, and I had to sit in a class of 30. It was hell, but I did it. They even tried to forcibly put me back into that school, despite the fact I'd told them repeatedly I'd end my life if they put me back. For quite some time I was planning to burn the school down or start smashing the school to get myself thrown out.
    Luckily I moved to a different city and didn't have to follow their rules anymore.
    I'm just very tired, I'm sick of all the fighting. I don't want to carry on with anything. I know I'm young and things may be different in the future, but I have to get a job next year. I'll have to go college eventually because the job I want requires A levels. I find it so difficult to be around people. Last couple weeks since it's been getting harder. I usually walk out of my current school, sit in the entryway and cry for a while, or I sit in one of the bathroom cubicles and cry. A couple of times one of the main teachers has seen me cry, but I refuse to tell her anything because I don't trust anyone in authority anymore. I keep being let down by everyone in authority, only 1 woman ever helped and eventually she betrayed my trust and said that I could go back to highschool, even after I explained how scared I was. In my book she betrayed me, because I'd known her for almost a year and explained to her the depth of my anxiety and fear of school. She stuck by me for a while and wouldn't let them put me back, but I think eventually they just wanted me out of the school and she was pressured to get me signed out.

    I've reached a point now where I really don't want to be here. I don't want to spend my life crying, sitting in a dark room too scared to leave my bed. I'm sick of the nightmares of my mother telling me she doesn't love me, or the dreams where I'm attacked as soon as I leave the house. I know my mother loves me, but I know deep down she resents me ever being born and I'm unwanted. She told me herself she wished she'd given me to my father, she says my sister and I have ruined her life. From what I can see of her now I've ruined her life incredibly so. She only started getting really depressed after all the stuff going on with me, and she started resenting me when she was getting happier and I was getting more depressed because she found it so hard being around someone who was depressed all the time.
    Hell, even as I type this I feel really scared at the prospect of suicide. As I've said above in this thread, I am tired of fighting and it getting only slightly better. I'm still a frightened little girl who would rather stay in bed than go out. I've come a long way but it's out of determination, I still feel as scared and worried as I did before.

    It's not going to get any better. Been almost 4 years and I've only got slightly better at managing things, and that's crumbling because of how tiring it is. I don't think I'll go through with it, I think I'll just spend a few months of self destructive behaviour. I'll either go too far and put my life in danger or someone in authority will notice. Considering some of the stupid things I've done when I've been suicidal, shaving my hair and self harming on my face, authority like usual will leave me to fend for myself and pretend they don't notice. I think that's why I'm so brazen about how I act, because I know that nobody will do a damn thing about it.
    Sorry for writing this, I feel like an idiot. I need to get it out once because it festers away in my head, I can't tell anyone about this on any other site or IRL.
     
  2. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    Man, for a moment I thought you were someone I knew from another website. I use a website called Wattpad, a writing website, and a girl I used to talk to on there; her name is Ellie.
     
  3. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    Juicy; I've never used Wattpad before.
     
  4. fransigne

    fransigne Active Member

    You want a job, that's a good sign that you want to continue. It seems you're going through a really hard time but if you want to go on, you'll find a way.
     
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