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Banned Member

This is my first post to this forum. I am a "high risk" for suicide. I am 32, white, male, single, unemployed, isolated, separated from a fiancee. There are other things but that is enough for now I suppose. Suffice to say, I have been having suicidal thoughts for 6 months, and the thoughts hurt my head. I am awake all night and sleep all die. I eat junk on a credit card because I am broke even though my parents offer to feed me (my father is very budget minded and does not like having an added food expense one bit). I do not exercise at all. I guess I am doing all I can to ensure I die at least a slow death by virtue of my behavior. I have lost all interest in life. I am admitted to a graduate program that starts next month but I am too sick for it. I can defer enrollment until January but I just don't know. Also, it will be an enormous financial undertaking. I used to have such a great job. I live hell every day. Death and the hereafter cannot be worse. Maybe it is even better. I believe I will return to nothing, as I was before I was born. I do not believe in God. I do not have any religious convictions. I am not spiritual. I have parents and 3 sisters. I do not want to live to an older age where I am sickened and a burden being locked in a psychiatric ward. I have already been there for 3 days and I would rather be dead than go back there. I once was engaged to be married and had a great job. Now everything is gone, everything is lost. I am a burden to my family now, but I will be an even bigger burden if I go on living. I believe if someone wants to kill themselves bad enough, and it does not physically harm anyone else, then they should be allowed to do so, because others cannot possibly understand the hell that is going on in the severely depressed person's brain. If it were not so painful, it would be comical that others try to appeal to your mind to keep you from killing yourself, when your mind is where the sickness is to begin with. And then they suggest drugs or therapy that you have already tried for years and years to no avail. Then they appeal to your family, but little to they know you have been so withdrawn that no one and no thing stands much of a chance of keeping you alive. People always apologize to caskets, to cremated remains. People always apologize when it is too late. It is human nature, and I am not going to change it. People are pathetic in this way. I met good people in this life, but the overwhelming majority have been conniving and any other number of negatively laced adjectives. I, too may say or write the unoriginal suicidal good bye "Good bye cruel world." I haven't done it yet, but I may soon.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
First i just want to say hi glad to see you reaching out for support hun There is time to get some help yes go to therapy get on some new meds it will take awhile but it is doable keep posting okay venting letting it out here so it does not build up inside you There are many kind caring people here ones that do understand


Well-Known Member
Sounds like a lot going on for you right now, you've been struggling a for long time with all those feelings. Hope you can find some mutual support on the forum. I feel quite sad reading your post and my heart goes out to you in this time of need. (((hugs))). Please don't give up hope! :sad:
I am so sorry to see you are feeling so bad. But you have reached out, and I do understand some of your pain. But there are always other options hun.

Please don't give up. Your post really touched me, and I will be thinking of you. Keep talking to us here, we might be able to help.

:hug: xx
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