Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cersei, Mar 10, 2012.

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  1. Cersei

    Cersei Member

    Oh dear, here we go again.

    For the third time in my life, I'm suicidal. I tried an overdose when I was 16 but that was just attention seeking. I had and still have issues from my past that I've never really had the opportunity to resolve. Boo hoo for me. I'm not here looking for sympathy. Not sure why I'm here to be honest.

    I'm Bipolar too and have been since I was a teenager although I wasn't diagnosed until 2005.

    The unfortunate thing is, I'm poor and what I've found is that when you're poor and mentally ill, getting the support you need isn't easy.

    When I was a teenager, I wasn't ready to accept help. It wasn't until my late 20's was I ready. I tried to get support but everytime I went to the psychiatrist, it was a different one and quite often, they had varying opinions of my condition. They'd chop and change me meds and this went on for a year until I told them all to **** off. After that, I became a recluse for years until late in 2008. That's when I tried to kill meself again but this time, it wasn't for attention.

    Unfortunately, I didn't know catalytic converters take the carbon monoxide outta exhaust fumes, lol. I sat there for 45 minutes while the oxygen ran out thinking "Why isn't the carbon monoxide knocking me out". lol. Hyper ventilating like mad, feeling like my brain was trying to push through my skull and also having pins and needles all over my body. At the critical moment before I was gone, survival instinct kicked in and I fell outta the car. I decided to try and seek help the next day but in the mean time, I researched how to do it properly so in the event the help didn't work, the suicide option would still be there and I wouldn't **** it up the next time.

    I ended up in a psychiatric ward for a couple of months. They stuffed me full of meds which were good for the head, just bad for the body and when i complained about the side effects, they told me I was between a rock and a hard place. Nice. I also saw a psychologist for CBT and got lucky as she was good. It took about six months but it finally felt like we were getting somewhere and then she told me she was getting transferred. She referred me to someone else who turned out to be useless and that was that. When you're poor, you either take what you're given or you do without. I did without.

    I did alright on my own for a while but even with the meds and structure in my life, I still found I was going euphoric and then crashing into a deep depression at least twice a year.

    Anyway, here I am, in a strange city, no friends, no family. no job, no money and fresh outta another disasterous few months with another crap psychologist. The psychiatrists are still saying I'm between a rock and hard place. lol. Idiots.

    I think, right now, the only thing keeping me hanging on is my atheism but not sure how long that's gonna last.

    Again, I'm not looking for sympathy. My current predicament is no ones fault but my own. I'm sure my mental illness is partly to blame, sure but most of the blame lies with me.

    Well, there ya have it. I think I just needed to write it down. I don't expect anyone to have read this post to the end. lol.
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I am new here. I read your post through to the end. I understand your frustrations. As we grow older we discover that life is a lot of work, and a challenge. Endeavor to persevere. There is a light outside the tunnel and each of us have faced ups and downs, some more than others and possibly none the same as your own, but if you fight and keep on fighting, there will come brighter days. Anyways, I just wanted you to know that someone is listening and that you can sound off, and should, as much as you feel the need. Scream out, but don't give up.
  3. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Hi there I am sorry that you have had a hard life, and that you are having a hard time getting the help that you need, I dont know how things are handled in London, are there free support groups that you can attend for counseling? or outreaches that might be able to help you get on your feet? sorry I have no advice I just wanted to say dont give up , hang in there.
  4. Cersei

    Cersei Member

    Thanks for replies.

    It's true, as we get older, we begin to realise just how difficult life can be. It just feels like I've been banging my head against a brick wall. And honestly, when you're living in a strange city with no friends, you also have no family, no job or hope of getting one, the light at the end o the tunnel begins to grow very dim indeed.

    I've tried voluntary work but again, I crash twice a year minimum and after a while, they get a wee bit tired o me.

    In the current financial climate, alot of the funding for support groups has been cut but I have someone looking into it for me and should find out next week.

    I am willing to try one last time to find the support I need. But, methinks, if it doesn't work this time, I'll be off. And there'll be no messing it up this time.
  5. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Hey. I read all of your post and it struck home with me. I can relate to how you're feeling.

    I have no job (never worked, actually.) I'm only 20, but my mental health issues made me drop out of school and I've never had a job.. so trying to find a job now is near impossible because I've got 4 years of BLANK. I too don't have any friends. None at all. I don't have anyone, other than family, who I can call to spend time with.

    Anyway, the voluntary thing is a good idea. I've started volunteering and it's at least something to fill my day with... and it partially explains a gap on my CV.

    To be honest, I've drank too much and I'm feeling like sh-t right now, lol, but usually my outlook on things isn't so bad. Try to stay positive and stay motivated. Apply for jobs here, there and EVERYWHERE. Doesn't matter what it is - you can work your way up.

    And to make friends.. well, guess you've just got to go to places with people. It's through work/activities that you meet people. Voluntary will help with this.. as well as helping with the job thing.

    Hope you can hang on. Things may or may not be 100 times worse for you than they are for me, but hopefully you can take comfort in knowing that there's someone out there in similar circumstances right now, also battling these thoughts and just wanting things to get better.

    I too have been on medication I shouldn't have been on, had conflicting opinions etc.

    Anyway, if you ever need someone to talk to.. PM me if you want. I'm in Wales so I guess I can't be a 'real life friend', but if you need someone to talk to over the internet I'd be more than happy. That's not just an empty statement, seriously, PM me if you want.

    Hope you can hold on. I've been stacking up on pills but tomorrow I'm gonna throw them out. Besides, I know of a 100% efficient way so the pills are pointless anyway. only getting the supplies i need may be tricky, so having the pills around makes me feel better knowing i have a 'way out'.

    K, I'm probably rambling.. to be honest I'm a bit drunk right now so I don't know how much sense I'm making. But I hope you're OK and can fight these thoughts.
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