Oh dear, here we go again. For the third time in my life, I'm suicidal. I tried an overdose when I was 16 but that was just attention seeking. I had and still have issues from my past that I've never really had the opportunity to resolve. Boo hoo for me. I'm not here looking for sympathy. Not sure why I'm here to be honest. I'm Bipolar too and have been since I was a teenager although I wasn't diagnosed until 2005. The unfortunate thing is, I'm poor and what I've found is that when you're poor and mentally ill, getting the support you need isn't easy. When I was a teenager, I wasn't ready to accept help. It wasn't until my late 20's was I ready. I tried to get support but everytime I went to the psychiatrist, it was a different one and quite often, they had varying opinions of my condition. They'd chop and change me meds and this went on for a year until I told them all to **** off. After that, I became a recluse for years until late in 2008. That's when I tried to kill meself again but this time, it wasn't for attention. Unfortunately, I didn't know catalytic converters take the carbon monoxide outta exhaust fumes, lol. I sat there for 45 minutes while the oxygen ran out thinking "Why isn't the carbon monoxide knocking me out". lol. Hyper ventilating like mad, feeling like my brain was trying to push through my skull and also having pins and needles all over my body. At the critical moment before I was gone, survival instinct kicked in and I fell outta the car. I decided to try and seek help the next day but in the mean time, I researched how to do it properly so in the event the help didn't work, the suicide option would still be there and I wouldn't **** it up the next time. I ended up in a psychiatric ward for a couple of months. They stuffed me full of meds which were good for the head, just bad for the body and when i complained about the side effects, they told me I was between a rock and a hard place. Nice. I also saw a psychologist for CBT and got lucky as she was good. It took about six months but it finally felt like we were getting somewhere and then she told me she was getting transferred. She referred me to someone else who turned out to be useless and that was that. When you're poor, you either take what you're given or you do without. I did without. I did alright on my own for a while but even with the meds and structure in my life, I still found I was going euphoric and then crashing into a deep depression at least twice a year. Anyway, here I am, in a strange city, no friends, no family. no job, no money and fresh outta another disasterous few months with another crap psychologist. The psychiatrists are still saying I'm between a rock and hard place. lol. Idiots. I think, right now, the only thing keeping me hanging on is my atheism but not sure how long that's gonna last. Again, I'm not looking for sympathy. My current predicament is no ones fault but my own. I'm sure my mental illness is partly to blame, sure but most of the blame lies with me. Well, there ya have it. I think I just needed to write it down. I don't expect anyone to have read this post to the end. lol.