Suicidalness since childhood?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by not my real name, Apr 29, 2008.

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  1. I'm curious if anybody else can remember times of extreme depression and tendencies to suicide when they were really young? The earliest I can remember is around 5 or 6 when I started getting into some serious depression and suicidal thoughts(about as serious as a 6 year old can get but serious enough, I had therapy at 8.......woo).

    And whether or not you've been able to leave those feelings behind?
  2. Agrigor

    Agrigor Active Member

    I would have been dead at 8 if I remembered the way to the bridge. I'd probably be dead now if they hadn't since put up those damn bars to keep people from jumping.
  3. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I remember being very, very young and hating myself so much. I didn't want to be me. The earliest I can remember feeling suicidal would be around seven years old. I used to hold knives up to my chest and I would pray to God to let me die.

    No... I haven't gotten rid of those feelings. :(
  4. Agrigor

    Agrigor Active Member

    Now that you mention it I now have a few recollections of me holding a butcher's knife to my stomach or throat and wishing I had the courage to plunge it in.
  5. The clearest memory I have at that time was walking in the middle of the road waiting for a car to run me over. That and the therapy and the praying for an end. I've found that a lot of my childhood memories are missing(?). I know that there have been some that I really have just repressed and nothing I do can bring them back.
  6. seba3c

    seba3c Member

    The earliest that I remember being depressed as early as 4th grade (about 9 or 10). I hated myself and wanted to run away. Running away turned into just wanting to disappear. Suicide didn't actually occur to me as an option until I was about 12 when Kurt Cobain killed himself. It was a bit of a new concept to me (I was a bit sheltered) or I'm sure I would have considered it sooner.
  7. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    The earliest that I remember is about 10, I think. :unsure:
  8. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    I've blocked out most of my memories from before high school, and even my memories of 9th and 10th grade aren't clear, but I've found old diaries from when I was six talking about how much I hated everyone and wanted to die. My family has also told me about times where I've threatened to jump out the window/off the roof, some of them quite recent, that I don't remember at all.
  9. music

    music Well-Known Member

    all my life, attempted a few times when i was very young (under 10), but too stupid to do it effectively.
  10. twilight

    twilight Well-Known Member

    I can't remember being a happy normal person ever. It feels like I have wanted to kill myself ever since I have been capable of thinking it.
  11. datto

    datto Member

    i remember once threatening suicide to other kids in my class, i think it was grade 4, and they said 'yeah, do it!'. That was as close as I came at the time. But mainly, I Just hurt myself and made it look accidental.

    I didn't care much about my existence, and I still don't
  12. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    I believe I've been depressed for most of my life, but I still have tons of wonderful memories, along with the bad. Hating myself has never been my problem, just hating how I felt about life. Where suicide is the final desparate option for some, I've just always felt like it was just another viable choice, like choice f or t.
    Yes I still carry those thoughts today.
  13. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Yeah, I have felt suicidal for a long time. From about the age of 10 :|
  14. I remember trying to choke myself at age 7.
    Before then, I was very suicidal and low.
    I even had homicidal thoughts.
    I used to hit and bite and kick people, without any remorse to it at the time, I was very, very violent and impulsive.
    My next attempt was at 8, I had tried to hang myself, in the same night, I tried to jump out of my flat(I'm on the top floor, so probably for a 8 year old I'd have died or gotten seriously injured, poss paralyzed)

    I'm not quite sure I've ever been remotely happy in my life.
    I have videos of me at a younger age, through ages 1-4, and all on them videos, I'm either screaming, crying or on the floor, having a tantrum because nobody is even listening to me.

    So, yeah, I get that whole 'being suicidal since childhood' deal.
  15. uuuu

    uuuu Guest

    I remember being five or so and saying to my aunt, "Why does it feel dark right here?" and pointing to my chest.

    I've always...been the same....
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