Suicidalness since childhood?

[not my real name]

I'm curious if anybody else can remember times of extreme depression and tendencies to suicide when they were really young? The earliest I can remember is around 5 or 6 when I started getting into some serious depression and suicidal thoughts(about as serious as a 6 year old can get but serious enough, I had therapy at 8.......woo).

And whether or not you've been able to leave those feelings behind?

 

[Agrigor]

I would have been dead at 8 if I remembered the way to the bridge. I'd probably be dead now if they hadn't since put up those damn bars to keep people from jumping.

 

[nagisa]

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I remember being very, very young and hating myself so much. I didn't want to be me. The earliest I can remember feeling suicidal would be around seven years old. I used to hold knives up to my chest and I would pray to God to let me die.

No... I haven't gotten rid of those feelings.

 

[Agrigor]

Now that you mention it I now have a few recollections of me holding a butcher's knife to my stomach or throat and wishing I had the courage to plunge it in.

 

[not my real name]

The clearest memory I have at that time was walking in the middle of the road waiting for a car to run me over. That and the therapy and the praying for an end. I've found that a lot of my childhood memories are missing(?). I know that there have been some that I really have just repressed and nothing I do can bring them back.

 

[seba3c]

The earliest that I remember being depressed as early as 4th grade (about 9 or 10). I hated myself and wanted to run away. Running away turned into just wanting to disappear. Suicide didn't actually occur to me as an option until I was about 12 when Kurt Cobain killed himself. It was a bit of a new concept to me (I was a bit sheltered) or I'm sure I would have considered it sooner.

 

[Spearmint]

The earliest that I remember is about 10, I think. :unsure:

 

[Lethal Photography]

I've blocked out most of my memories from before high school, and even my memories of 9th and 10th grade aren't clear, but I've found old diaries from when I was six talking about how much I hated everyone and wanted to die. My family has also told me about times where I've threatened to jump out the window/off the roof, some of them quite recent, that I don't remember at all.

 

[music]

all my life, attempted a few times when i was very young (under 10), but too stupid to do it effectively.

 

[twilight]

I can't remember being a happy normal person ever. It feels like I have wanted to kill myself ever since I have been capable of thinking it.

 

[datto]

i remember once threatening suicide to other kids in my class, i think it was grade 4, and they said 'yeah, do it!'. That was as close as I came at the time. But mainly, I Just hurt myself and made it look accidental.

I didn't care much about my existence, and I still don't

 

[kittyD]

I believe I've been depressed for most of my life, but I still have tons of wonderful memories, along with the bad. Hating myself has never been my problem, just hating how I felt about life. Where suicide is the final desparate option for some, I've just always felt like it was just another viable choice, like choice f or t.
Yes I still carry those thoughts today.
kD

 

[xXWhateverItTakesXx]

Yeah, I have felt suicidal for a long time. From about the age of 10 :|

 

[sevensevenseven777]

I can't remember being a happy normal person ever. It feels like I have wanted to kill myself ever since I have been capable of thinking it.

I remember trying to choke myself at age 7.
Before then, I was very suicidal and low.
I even had homicidal thoughts.
I used to hit and bite and kick people, without any remorse to it at the time, I was very, very violent and impulsive.
My next attempt was at 8, I had tried to hang myself, in the same night, I tried to jump out of my flat(I'm on the top floor, so probably for a 8 year old I'd have died or gotten seriously injured, poss paralyzed)

I'm not quite sure I've ever been remotely happy in my life.
I have videos of me at a younger age, through ages 1-4, and all on them videos, I'm either screaming, crying or on the floor, having a tantrum because nobody is even listening to me.

So, yeah, I get that whole 'being suicidal since childhood' deal.

 

[uuuu]

I remember being five or so and saying to my aunt, "Why does it feel dark right here?" and pointing to my chest.

I've always...been the same....