Suicide #6523041

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by HSK, May 24, 2011.

  1. HSK

    HSK New Member

    Hi there.

    I've always thought that this wouldn't happen.
    I don't want to spam this awesome place or bother you with my problems.
    They are really personal. But I would like to share them. Or at least that,
    what have been left. Like on the movies, I want to write some "death-wish"
    or just something on a paper that describes why would I make that stupid
    decision true. I sound selfish. I know that. Taking my life will hurt many people.
    I know it. But lately, so many things happened. Not really very important, but
    they actually somehow affected me. Maybe I'm some kind of psycho.

    As a little kid I knew I'm different. I knew I'm not wanted here. I'm just one
    person in a world with more than other 6 billion people. Who will care that
    I'm gone? I don't think there will be anybody who cares. Everybody around me
    are just selfish dumb-ass*s. Nobody stops and ask you: "Hey, how are you?".
    No matter I always ask that the others. I'm just that type of a person. I LOVE.
    And that's the bad thing here. I can make sympathy to everyone. Even to my
    enemies. Oops, yes! I don't have enemies. Just people with who I can't find
    something in common.

    Well, what's my meaning of life here? That's the question here. And I can't answer it.
    Why I am here? Why Me, why not somebody else on my place? Why I'm not living in
    Canada or Mexico? I can see all around me there is just pain. Old and middle-aged people,
    full with pain. I'm sure they was kids, full with energy. And their life have been ruined.
    I don't want to feel that pain. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I hope that There will
    be some other and better place. Heaven, maybe? I need something to believe in it.
    But there is nothing. My hope is gone. And now the hole is filled with depression.

    I want to tell you one really private story. Well, it will be no longer private.
    Someone of you will laugh of loud (lol). Whatever. Nevermind. I should stop effecting
    from what other people's think. I'm weak. You probably already understood it.
    Well, as a little child I was in visit with my grand-parents. Don't imagine actually grand-parents,
    imagine two lonely humans, filled with angry and .. loneliness. My mother worked in Spain, that's
    why I was with my grand-parents. My grand-mother had a problem with drinking. And she disliked me,
    because (wow, here is such a mess with relationships) I'm a son from the second husband of my mother.
    And I don't know why, then just a little six-years old kid, I've been hated. And that hate was huge. My
    grand-mother started to beat me, yelling at me and mobbing me. I was so scared from her. When my mother
    calls to check me and my grand-parents, my grand-mother kept asking about money. I was her excuse. She
    said that I'm a "bad boy" and I need money. Actually, I really needed from money. But the money have been
    used for alcohol. I barely could talk to my mom. When I reached to the earphone, I said one innocent "hi" to my
    mom and then with full, rude strength the earphone have been pulled out of my hands from my grand-mother. I can't
    even describe it. You can't imagine that what stress this brought to me. I forgot to mention that my sister was
    with me in that visit. Poor she, she go to school, then coming back to my grand-parents house, then arranges
    all my clothes back to the closet, because my crazy grandma always demolished them. After that, work and work.
    That family is a shame to the whole street and whole neighbors. Even if I walk now on the streets, I can hear
    people whispering "Poor boy..". I should thanks to my sister a lot. She always standed-by me. She always found
    a way to make me laugh, even if I could hear in the other room that there the bottles are breaking and my grand-ma
    screaming like a crazy person. The culmination was when my grand-ma tried to kill me. It was a normal (or not so much,
    okay.. usual) night as others. I was in the couch (that was my place to sleep) and watched TV. Just a little bit after my
    eyes started closing, I felt one big pillow to cover my face. And really strong arms. I couldn't breath. I started to suffocate.
    And tossing with hands to make my grandma stop. But she didn't. She wasn't on her own mind. Then, in the right moment,
    my grandpa and my sister "jumped out" of the bed in the next corner of the room and there was such a action. ;D. I remember
    my grandpa hit my grandma and she fell on the floor. My sister came to me and asked me does I'm alright. Actually, I didn't
    realised what happened. My grandma standed up of the floor, then looked my so evil, like I was.. I don't know. I can't explain.
    And then she walked out of the door. On the very next week my mother came back from Spain and actually saved me.

    Now I'm telling that to friend and make a laugh of that story. It was funny before. Now somehow it affects me. I don't know why.
    I started to feel that my grandma was right. She should have kill me. I don't deserve to be here. Maybe that was a sign that I
    shouldn't be living in this world. I have so much to write, so many stories that now affect me and "hit me all in one", i.e. I started
    to think about all these bad memories and they slowly, but surely, are ruining my mind.

    I don't want comments. No need to write. Just I wanted to feel calm for a second and to relax my mind. Now I did it. And maybe I shouldn't
    post this topic. Sorry for taking your time. And also, I know, my english is not very good. Everything above is written by emotions.. well..

    And I don't know for someone which cries on it's birthday and feel sorry to be born.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know you said you didn't want comments, just want you to know you're being heard.
     
  3. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to say that I read your story. It isn't fair what has happened to you thus far in your life, and I sincerely hope it starts to get better for you. This part really hit home for me, because it describes how I feel pretty much all of the time.

    I hope you found the calm you wanted from posting this. Stay safe :hug:
     
  4. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    im sorry to disrespect your not wanting comemnts but i just wanted to tell you that you are very brave and that your friend shouldnt have laughed at this ! it must have been very horriffic its no wonder that you are having such a hard time. I hope you can find someone to help you instead of a permanent way out xxx
     
  5. HSK

    HSK New Member

    I don't know how to thank you, guys. I really didn't expected such a support from you. :) Maybe I was wrong. You really made my day!

    @Avarice, Well, it is really not fair that this happened to me, but I believe that I'm a strong person and can pass through this. I don't know what is happening to me sometime. Now I feel more stronger than ever. But in the exact moment, when I wrote that, I was so.. weak. I'm sure you understand. :]

    @shadowgirl, thank you! Yes, I'm brave.. but when I don't expect and when I shouldn't be. Before I waked up with a smile, I was happy. The interesting here is that I don't show my really emotions to other people. I just welcome them with a smile. No matter what I really feel. And maybe that's the way to handle with that part of my life - with smilies and laugh. Actually, I should forgive to my grand-mother, she is not really different since than, but I believe that every human deserve a second chance.

    I feel so guilty for taking you time and bothering you with my problems.
    Maybe you already know, but to be sure I should say that I'm 15 years old teenager. Thank you for hearing me.

    PS.: Well, you can see, I'm not american and my english is not very good. I hope at least is quite understandable. :)
     
  6. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    Im so glad you are feeling better. When you post here it is not taking up our time or efforts for us to read. We post for others to give us advise and support and a hand up when we cant find the strength to do it alone. I think you sound wise beyond your years! your english is really good i could understand everything you were saying. I understand what you are saying about giving everyone second chance. I think you are a very wise person and i hope that you will keep posting if and when you need to. And also you might have some insight and advice for us too! *big hug* xxx
     
  7. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    We all feel weak sometimes, that's why we rely on friends and sometimes family to help make us feel strong again. Your english was easily understandable and it's commendable that you wish to give your grandmother a second chance. Just be careful not to give out too many of those; some people will take advantage of you because of it.

    Glad you're feeling better. =]
     
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please don't feel guilty. You aren't taking up our time. That's what the site is here for ... so people have a place to get things out, and to be listened to. You can post as much as you want to. And your English is fine, we can understand you. :) I'm glad you feel better.