I used to post here a while back. I stopped because I stopped feeling suicidal. But the past few months I have been feeling very empty and alone. I dont see a future for me anymore. I dont know what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to be going. I have a dear friend who lives in a different country, so we just email. I have no friends to hang out with, no other friends to talk to. I have a therapist I talk to once a week and occasionally I email my minister a few times a day. I do that just to make sure I do exist and I'm not a ghost. I even started talking to a man who degraded me and molested me when I was 14 and humiliated me and physically scarred me when I was 19. Thats how lonely I have become. Part of me just thinks it would be so much easier just to die now. I could finally have peace. But I know its not what is best. I've become a ghost. I just dont exist anymore. I want to be Emily again, I want to be alive again.