suicide again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by emilykatie101, Jan 21, 2008.

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  1. emilykatie101

    emilykatie101 Well-Known Member

    I used to post here a while back. I stopped because I
    stopped feeling suicidal.
    But the past few months I have been feeling very empty and alone.
    I dont see a future for me anymore. I dont know what I'm supposed
    to be doing or where I'm supposed to be going.
    I have a dear friend who lives in a different country, so we just email.
    I have no friends to hang out with, no other friends to talk to.
    I have a therapist I talk to once a week and occasionally I email my minister a few times a day. I do that just to make sure I do exist and I'm not a ghost.
    I even started talking to a man who degraded me and molested me when I was 14 and humiliated me and physically scarred me when I was 19.
    Thats how lonely I have become.
    Part of me just thinks it would be so much easier just to die now. I could finally have peace. But I know its not what is best.
    I've become a ghost. I just dont exist anymore.
    I want to be Emily again, I want to be alive again.
  2. emilykatie101

    emilykatie101 Well-Known Member

    Screw it.
    I'm giving myself 6 months. At the end of the 6 months, I'm going to kill
    myself if I dont feel better about my life. I am in therapy, so there is a good chance I might. But if I dont....... I'm dead.
    I cant take this anymore. This crap, I just cant handle what this
    crappy world has thrown at me.
  3. emilykatie101

    emilykatie101 Well-Known Member

    Lol. I think I'm already dead, not one bloody person knows
    I exist today. I'm a ghost.
    Okay, well I changed my mind. 6 days. I wont be posting here anymore.
  4. exodus

    exodus Member

    my suggestion is to try it

    when you look death in the eye everything you hope for will flood your mind... even if its so very far from possible.

    if there is nothing not even fear and only relief then i dont understand why your even posting here.

    but i dont understand alot of things... i get confused easily lately...

    just follow your heart.

    i have tried to take my life a few times but every time i do my hope swells and i cant do it... i need to make things right i have to experience certain things before i die.

    but when i go back out to the real world my hopes are soon cut back down to size...

    and i am left to wonder how long this charade will last.
  5. emilykatie101

    emilykatie101 Well-Known Member

    I dont know either.
    I have a little bit of hope that things can turn around.
    But mostly my hope has run pretty dry. It was all I was able
    to think about on saturday night and sunday. Now its 1:15 am where i live, i have to wake up at 4 am for work, and i'm wide awake thinking about suicide.

    I've tried it before, but I've always had something to stop me.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Emily. First of all, stop talking to the man that molested you when you were younger. He is a bad person and he will most likely want to do it again. Secondly, you are not a ghost (yet), you are still a human being and alive and full of life. Try doing things that you used to enjoy. Go out to the mall and try making some new friends. Your life is not over until you choose to end it. Don't do it hun. Life is is a gift from God and it is worth living.
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Hi Emily,

    I'm glad a tiny part of you has hope. It's gonna be hard work, but you can heal yourself. You are so worth it. I'm not saying you might not have to fight depression again down the road, for me it comes back every few years. But as I gain more skills to cope it's usually not so hard each time round. Of course, this latest one snuck up me and before I knew it, boom, flattened.

    I also know what's it's like to stay up all night in despair... what do you think I was doing last night? har har.... But I came on the forum and vented, blah blah blah got it out of my system and what a relief. I finally grabbed a few hours sleep.

    I know it seems like ages when people don't reply right away, but that's just how this forum works. People are in different time zones, handling their own shit, at work or asleep or at therapy! If you feel really desperate in the middle of the night can you call a 1-800 number or go to the chat room? There always seems to be someone there.

    Thinking of you, keep posting, and hang in there
  8. forlorn

    forlorn Staff Alumni

    Emily, I am but a shadow of myself but like you I think this is a temporary state of mind. I have hope that one day at a time, I'll turn this thing around. Keep going Emily, dont dwell on the past and forget to live. I'll be thinking of you.
  9. emilykatie101

    emilykatie101 Well-Known Member

    Yes, I should stop talking to the bad man.
    But since he is apparently the only one who is here for me, and the only
    one who gives a damn, then I have no choice.
    I dont want to be alone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 21, 2008
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