Suicide and chronic shame

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aleth, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Chronic shame is the deepest hurdle I face in asking for help. The thought of having to open up to a therapist terrifies me.
    In oblivion there is relief. But I am deeply conflicted. If I am true to myself, and ask the question "Do I really want to die?" the answer is no. But I can find no solutions to my problems, and death seems to offer the only relief.
     
  2. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    Getting help online can be a lot easier than speaking with a therapist in person.

    So, what kind of problems are you having that have made you consider suicide?
     
  3. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Alot of deep, seemingly intractable problems. Its hard to talk about, even anonymously. There is a huge mental barrier for me, in even discussing things, I feel that I have failed in life.
    And so emotionally exhausted, I can't lift myself out of this pit. You know when you fight so long and hard to try and improve things, and fail, continuing with life seems so futile. And pain needs a solution.
     
  4. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    I think i can at least partly understand what you are saying.
    I get so low, so awful and i feel things inside are eating away at me, but then if i go to the doctors, or if someone asks me how i am i just dont say. i cant.
    Trouble is hun, we need to find away to break that barrier. It might be talking online, or just finding the right person, but im sure it will be worth it.
     
  5. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    Oh, I absolutely know what it's like to feel like a failure. Sometimes, I think people are just a little too demanding of themselves, with regard to what equates to a "successful" life.

    Is this financially related?
     
  6. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Yes, partially, as a knock-on effect. Social phobia really lies at the root of the problem though.
     
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Hi Aleth, and welcome. I could have written that very same paragraph.

    Still, your secrets will eat away at you if you do not eventually share them and lay your issues to rest once and for all. My experience has been start small.

    If you are suffering from depression, start by dealing with that. As you start to emerge from the depression plan to find a counsellor. If the counsellor is any good you will start to build some trust over time and begin to open up.

    Trust yourself. You are in control of how much you share and with whom you will share it. You already have everything you need within you to get well again. You are strong to have made it this far and you are not alone in this journey. You have us, and I hope you will begin to build other supports into your life,

    Catherine
     
  8. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    Well, say hello to another social phobic. Me! :laugh:

    I can completely relate to what you're going through. But, as difficult as it is, it's not worth ending your life over. You may be different, but I've found that my condition improves when I literally force myself into social situations. It's a slow process, but there have been moments when I felt quite comfortable being around large groups of people.

    How do you feel when you have to be amongst crowds? Do you feel intimidated, agitated, panicky, or all of those? I know there are times when I feel downright hostile, because I have this sensation of being trapped.
     
  9. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Yes, it can arouse alot of mixed feelings. I think the worse if the feeling of being isolated and alone in a crowd. It can intensify feelings of loneliness.
    Forcing yourself into social situations, indeed, helps, but sometimes you come away feeling even worse. It is a game of high risk, if you are feeling extremely vulnerable and emotionally drained.
    I have forced myself into many new social situations in the recent past -- in an extreme way by moving to a new country and trying to socialise there. In many ways, its easier than back home.

    Easier said than done! I've never had any luck with anti-depressants. Popping pills doesn't solve any real problems, unfortunately.
     
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    yeah, anti depressants don't work for everyone. my attitude to them has been this: if it helps keep me afloat until i learn how to swim, i'll do it. i'm doing tons of other things to fight depression (exercise, seeing a nurse, outpatient program at the local psych hospital, calling the suicide hotline).... meds are only one small part.

    maybe you aren't depressed, but still thinking about suicide is a bit of a red flag and once suicide is off the table as an option you are better able to do the hard work that counselling or other strategies call for.
     
  11. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    So, would you say that the loneliness is due to the fact that you want to socialize with other people, but feel that they are inaccessible because of your fear of approaching them? Do you or have you ever been in a serious relationship? If so, how did that pan out?

    Do you ever feel literally tired after being around people? Like a kind of mental exhaustion, and you need to take a nap afterwards? That is one of my odd little symptoms.

    Well, that IS a bold move. Can't really say I'd be able to do that, though I've entertained the thought.


    Indeed. Stay away from the meds.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 30, 2008
  12. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Yes, I'm in a deep state of depression and was planning suicide in a few weeks.
    But I am still feeling deeply conflicted -- a deep guilt about hurting family, and fear of death itself.

    The path to suicide offers some relief, problems drift out of focus, becoming irrelevant. But not today, today I'm feeling my resolve falter.
     
  13. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    Suicide is not the answer for a number of reasons, but the most logical reason would be... it's rarely 100% effective.

    You think you're in hell now? Imagine your life as a vegetable in a hospital bed, or walking around with half of your face blown off (like a botched suicide attempt photo I saw on rotten.com), or spending the rest of your life in a wheelchair... wearing adult diapers. Let's face it, that would suck... much worse than anything in your life, as it is now. If you attempted suicide, and failed, you would still have the same problems... only a new one would be added to the equation. You don't need more problems. :wink:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 30, 2008
  14. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Yes, I failed once many years ago. There was no long-term damage -- I O.D.'s on heart pressure tablets -- but it should have proved fatal. I was found by my mother (since I was still living at home) and rushed off to hospital where I went into cardiac arrest and flatlined, before being resuscitated by the doctors.

    I have never talked about it since. Its always been a taboo subject. I was sent off to counselling, naturally, afterwards.
     
  15. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Aleth, what could you be so ashamed of that you would think of taking your own life? I think that question needs to be answered before any other problem can come close to being solved.
     
  16. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Its a complex web. Shame feeds shame. Some of it comes from childhood anguish, which is compounded by adult experience.
    Its hard to admit you feel shame in the first place, even harder to talk about the deepest reasons, since that leaves you completely open and vulnerable.

    I found this quote, in a dissertation on the connection between shame and suicide :

    ""Shame is an experience of wanting to hide, of feeling worthless, alienated and isolated which has early developmental origins. Unlike guilt, with which it is often confused, shame is about perceived defects in one's self rather than about one's acts. Shame is difficult to articulate, and is hard to bear and to witness; it can play a malignant role in a person's life.""

    It expresses what I feel. The reasons behind these feelings are very complex though.
     
  17. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Shame is a terrible feeling, I have experienced it myself when I was younger. What helped me is questioning my reality, and whether the feelings I have are based on truth. Please think about this for a second: What if there is truly nothing to be ashamed of? What if you have gotten it all wrong, like most of us have, because of the false messages we have been given? Would it be worth hurting yourself due to lies about who you are, just because of a message that has screwed up half of the population? I hope you open the door to the possibility that these messages are false, and you have the ability to reject these messages, no matter how real they appear to be at the moment.
     
  18. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Yes, thats true. Shame is a thing we learn to feel. And it can grow out of control like an unhealthy weed smothering the garden.

    The answer probably lies in rebuilding pride. But when you are in such a deep pit its hard to see how you are ever going to get out of it. Depression drains you of your will to fight and struggle. I hate feeling so weak and powerless against these feelings.
     
  19. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    You're so right in that depression robs us of all hope to ever feel good again. One thing I learned recently is that to resist or fight against one's feeling is to worsen those feelings. It's like trying to pry a ring off your finger by tugging and pulling, which only serves to make your finger more and more swollen with no chance of getting the ring off. To accept one's feelings (even though we don't like how we feel) and not to judge them will allow our depression to come and go that much quicker, because we are not identifying with our mood. We are looking at our state of mind more objectively. Once we are feeling better, we can begin to look at our thoughts as an outsider looking in, and challenge the false messages that we have internalized and lived by since we were little children.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 30, 2008
  20. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    Yes, I want to feel like I fit in and belong. No, no serious relationships. I sabotage anything before it gets that far.

    Yes, I can come away feeling absolutely drained. Although thats not always the case, a few people I find soothing, they put me at my ease. And being in the background of a group is ok, as long as no-one prods me with anything that feels like an interrogation. I hate having to talk about myself!

    Yes, all other problems aside. Its nice to put aside your troubles and try and live out one dream. Europe is lovely. I live in Holland at the moment, and have done alot of travelling around the continent since I've been here.
     
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