Suicide as a comforting thought

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Groznyji, Dec 12, 2011.

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  1. Groznyji

    Groznyji Active Member

    As the title implies, suicide is a comforting thought to me.

    I'm not sure if that's how it is for most people who regularly daydream of suicide. When I think about the ways in which I might fail, I comfort myself by daydreaming of the ways in which I could end everything. It makes me feel a lot better, oddly enough. Suicide, and dying in general, isn't something I'm afraid of. I don't fear death on an emotional level, and that fact seems scary to me on an intellectual level.

    I've posted here before but I haven't done so in a while. Since I last posted I ended a long-term relationship with a girl who I decided was emotionally abusive towards me, and I've been going to graduate school abroad. The program is intense and school has been stressful, but I've always welcomed that type of stress and I think it's helped me deal with a lot of my emotional issues. Unfortunately I'm still deeply, deeply sad.

    I think it's because I'm lonely. I've found myself withdrawing from social situations because I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone. Though I'll soon be returning home for the holidays I realized I don't even really care to see my family, who I've always been very close to.

    I think about suicide every day. This has been going on for years, although sometimes there are long stretches in which I feel fine and I rarely think about dying. These stretches typically last a few months.

    I like posting here because it's anonymous. I'm embarrassed to tell anyone in person about what's going on in my head, especially friends and family. I don't want them to worry about me, and I doubt there's much they could do anyway. I know I SHOULD probably see a professional, but I have a strong aversion toward actually taking steps to do so for reasons I don't really understand and haven't taken time to actually think about.

    No one around me has any idea what's going on. I behave normally in the few social situations I allow myself to participate in. I have a few roommates and I often eat dinner with them and we laugh and joke around. I laugh easily even though I'm not happy. The other night I had dinner with everyone and we all had a nice chat for about two hours. Afterwards I went to the bathroom and cried in the shower.

    I apologize if I'm rambling, but I don't know what to do. I exercise and try to keep busy, but nothing really works. I want someone to talk to, but I don't want to talk to a therapist. Is going to therapy really the only other option?

    There are so many things I love about life, and I find beauty in the smallest things. But those things are somehow becoming bittersweet and something is just not right.
  2. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Sometimes suicide is a comforting thought for me, but other times it's the total opposite because I don't WANT to die, but I feel like I NEED to in order to stop hurting. The best thing for you to do is to fight your procrastination and seek some sort of treatment. I know what that's like. I've been avoiding getting a doctor for my addiction for many months, but then finally I realized I have to and went and did it, and it was so easy that I couldn't believe I didn't do it a long time ago. There's no sense in wasting time. Use the internet to find a doctor near you. It'll be worth it. You can't fight this alone, I'm sure you're already aware of that.
  3. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Suicidal ideation (thoughts) can become a coping mechanism. Its like the place we go to when we are in pain.

    Therapy can help us learn better ways to cope.

    I do hope you seek help and keep posting, even if you think your rambling, its getting that stuff out there.

  4. Groznyji

    Groznyji Active Member

    What are some of the things I could expect from therapy? As in, what do therapists do in a typical session? Does anyone have any success stories having gone through some sort of therapy program?

    I just can't imagine it helping that much. I can pinpoint much of what makes me depressed, and therapy won't really address any of it from a practical standpoint. It will only allow me to vent, I would imagine.
  5. Groznyji

    Groznyji Active Member


    ---------- Post added at 04:27 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:31 PM ----------

    Well I guess that answers my question. In the end we all have to deal with this shit alone.
  6. meta4

    meta4 New Member

    A good therapist will help you see a different perspective. You can pinpoint what makes you depressed, but a therapist will help you see why things make you depressed and to realize that, ultimately, nothing can make you depressed. Instead, your interpretation of things makes you depressed. When you realize that your perspective is only one interpretation of many other possibilities, you can get enough objectivity to question your own mind. There are many different therapy approaches, and any of them will work if they work for you and you get along with the therapist. Someone trained in Jungian psychology will help you see that suicidal thoughts are symbolic. In other words, your psyche knows that something needs to die. Something in your beliefs, expectations, your story about yourself, your attachment to a certain identity etc. needs to die, not your body. Any type of therapy should help you see things differently, which will allow you to feel better.
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