As the title implies, suicide is a comforting thought to me. I'm not sure if that's how it is for most people who regularly daydream of suicide. When I think about the ways in which I might fail, I comfort myself by daydreaming of the ways in which I could end everything. It makes me feel a lot better, oddly enough. Suicide, and dying in general, isn't something I'm afraid of. I don't fear death on an emotional level, and that fact seems scary to me on an intellectual level. I've posted here before but I haven't done so in a while. Since I last posted I ended a long-term relationship with a girl who I decided was emotionally abusive towards me, and I've been going to graduate school abroad. The program is intense and school has been stressful, but I've always welcomed that type of stress and I think it's helped me deal with a lot of my emotional issues. Unfortunately I'm still deeply, deeply sad. I think it's because I'm lonely. I've found myself withdrawing from social situations because I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone. Though I'll soon be returning home for the holidays I realized I don't even really care to see my family, who I've always been very close to. I think about suicide every day. This has been going on for years, although sometimes there are long stretches in which I feel fine and I rarely think about dying. These stretches typically last a few months. I like posting here because it's anonymous. I'm embarrassed to tell anyone in person about what's going on in my head, especially friends and family. I don't want them to worry about me, and I doubt there's much they could do anyway. I know I SHOULD probably see a professional, but I have a strong aversion toward actually taking steps to do so for reasons I don't really understand and haven't taken time to actually think about. No one around me has any idea what's going on. I behave normally in the few social situations I allow myself to participate in. I have a few roommates and I often eat dinner with them and we laugh and joke around. I laugh easily even though I'm not happy. The other night I had dinner with everyone and we all had a nice chat for about two hours. Afterwards I went to the bathroom and cried in the shower. I apologize if I'm rambling, but I don't know what to do. I exercise and try to keep busy, but nothing really works. I want someone to talk to, but I don't want to talk to a therapist. Is going to therapy really the only other option? There are so many things I love about life, and I find beauty in the smallest things. But those things are somehow becoming bittersweet and something is just not right.