Suicide as a rational course of action

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by blue_mystic, Feb 24, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. blue_mystic

    blue_mystic New Member

    Could it be that suicide, in certain circumstances, is actually just a rational response to unbearable psychic pain? Naturally we accept this when the physical condition has deteriorated an unacceptable state, but what about the mental condition? Take myself for example. A typical day for me consists of waking up in a state of excruciating anguish at the fact that I am still alive, in this body, and that I'm alone. Then I feel like I literally have to climb a mountain just to get out of bed. Then I get to work, surrounded by people that serve to remind me of all my shortcomings in life by way of comparison. They are all married. They are all friends with each other. They are all socially and interpersonally connected in ways that I will never be. They are happy and content. And they mostly have contempt for me because I'm inferior to them in all facets of life. I have no one to talk to there, and nothing to talk with them about even if I did. Does anyone want to hear about how many times I thought about killing myself today or go into detail about how I plan to do it? No, so I keep to myself.

    Then at the end of a long, agonizing day of being a social outcast, I get to come home to an empty house. This is yet another reminder of the fact I have been unable to have a single successful relationship in all of my 35 failure-laden years. My suicidal ideation becomes more intense during this time of day. I usually scramble for something, anything, to keep my mind occupied. I sometimes choose to go out drinking as a reasonable distraction if I can manage to find someone to go out with. I will drink to the point of intoxication, get even more depressed, drive home, then fall into a puddle on my bathroom floor and start sobbing uncontrollably. This lasts anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour. I somehow manage to drag myself to bed, but usually only sleep for 4-5 hours before I start waking up every hour, on the hour, until I have to get up and the cycle repeats itself. I ruminate at night about how badly I fucked up all of my relationships, how no one will ever love me again, and how hopeless my situation is.

    If you were me, wouldn't you want to kill yourself? Wouldn't anyone? I don't think I'm crazy because I want to die in these circumstances. One of the things that I really wanted in life was to get married and have my own family. That will never happen, ever. I have been depressed for over 20 years, and I believe that depression has an end stage. I am in that end stage.

    I have made preparations, and I expect to be ready soon. I used to rely on the fact that I was young and there was still hope that I would find someone to pull me out of this. That is no longer the case. I am now getting old and no one really cares anymore. And there is nothing out there that gives me any pleasure anymore. My life is devoid of happiness or pleasure of any sort. Food tastes bland. Movie plots are dull and worn-out. Conversations are tedious and vapid. I can't even sit still long enough to read a book. I don't want to have hope anymore. I want to lose hope because in trying to get better, it only serves to prolong my suffering. This has to end. No one, not even me, deserves to live like this.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There is nothing rational about taking ones life hun i am sorry your depression has not been treated properly and that you still suffer so greatly No one can see the future hun no one and there are some here that have met up with their sould mates in their 40s 50s and longer and if you leave you will never know if that someone is there for you
    I hope for YOU that you talk to your doctors and tell them enough already you get me on the new meds get me more therapy and support me now because if you don't i am leaving
    Let them know how desperate you are ok Depression does cycle if you are at the very lowest now the you will be coming out of that low soon and be on the way up again
    Crying well i do that too the dam tears just come out of no w here but then at the end it felt better to release some of the pain
    You deserve kindness and support so you reach out and get it ok hugs
  3. IceStorm

    IceStorm Active Member

    That you do still have hope is a good sign - even if you are wanting to lose it. As depressed as you are now it can get better. You deserve the help you need to get through this. The thing about life is that the only thing you can be sure of is that there will be change. Please ask for the help you need - life can be better than this.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    To answer your first question, blue mystic, the rationale behind taking one's own life makes sense to the person who does it - the reasoning is though that deep deep down they are wanting things to be better but have given up hope they ever can be. I was in this position 17 years ago and can remember my thinking back then, that I had completely stuffed up something (important) totally beyond repair. I want to assure you that although it was something that happened, my reasoning was totally wrong in the greater scheme of things. Would be willing to PM with you if you would like that, because there are other ways of thinking than the brick walls your head is hitting. Every organism alive on the planet wants to survive and every human being is no different, except when the psych pain gets so bad we wish we had never been born or seen the light of day. I do know how it feels, not just speaking rhetoric here. Your biggest mistakes (and we all make them) can come to be seen in a different perspective, if you choose to go this route. We all here on SF do hope that you do. :)
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.