Sometimes I think about suicide as a response to my failure in life: it would be like saying to everyone, "I don't care anyway". I sometimes liken it to throwing the chess pieces across the board right before losing a game. But I try to reason my way out of this mindset by thinking about how, given that I think it would be possible for me to enjoy life, I would be losing even further if I killed myself. To give an idea of my failure (I've said this in another thread) I went to a high-performing school and was top of my year academically by the time of graduation, but had worsening mental health, which has led me to leave university, while loads of others from my school are now things like doctors and dentists (including my siblings). I now volunteer with a view to low-wage work. My parents say they've got enough money and the country I'm in is such that I'll never go homeless or starve, even if I'm unable to work, but I want a social life now and it's hard to build one with no real financial future (I would want a wife). I said in another thread that wanting a wife might be a case of wanting what I've never had to see if it solves my sadness, but it does seem to be a basic human need for a lot of people. I've still got activities I could do on my own that I'd enjoy in life (like reading the huge collection of maths textbooks and novels in my room), but I don't know. I've thrown all my tobacco and e-cigarettes away today, and I've vowed to quit drinking as well, so I'm trying to stop this stupid self-destructive response to failure. In a way, I figure that I'm not really failing. I've got so much free time while others are pressuring themselves in careers that I wouldn't enjoy anyway. But not thinking I'd enjoy their careers could be a case of my anhedonia, meaning that I am failing.