Suicide as a response to failure?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by scareddude, Jun 29, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I think about suicide as a response to my failure in life: it would be like saying to everyone, "I don't care anyway". I sometimes liken it to throwing the chess pieces across the board right before losing a game. But I try to reason my way out of this mindset by thinking about how, given that I think it would be possible for me to enjoy life, I would be losing even further if I killed myself.

    To give an idea of my failure (I've said this in another thread) I went to a high-performing school and was top of my year academically by the time of graduation, but had worsening mental health, which has led me to leave university, while loads of others from my school are now things like doctors and dentists (including my siblings). I now volunteer with a view to low-wage work.

    My parents say they've got enough money and the country I'm in is such that I'll never go homeless or starve, even if I'm unable to work, but I want a social life now and it's hard to build one with no real financial future (I would want a wife). I said in another thread that wanting a wife might be a case of wanting what I've never had to see if it solves my sadness, but it does seem to be a basic human need for a lot of people.

    I've still got activities I could do on my own that I'd enjoy in life (like reading the huge collection of maths textbooks and novels in my room), but I don't know.

    I've thrown all my tobacco and e-cigarettes away today, and I've vowed to quit drinking as well, so I'm trying to stop this stupid self-destructive response to failure.

    In a way, I figure that I'm not really failing. I've got so much free time while others are pressuring themselves in careers that I wouldn't enjoy anyway. But not thinking I'd enjoy their careers could be a case of my anhedonia, meaning that I am failing.
     
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    The need to co-habit is often a strong one for a lot of us, to perhaps full a void and someone to love and share our thoughts dreams and hopes with. Being single myself right now I realised I spent my time going from relationship to relationship never focusing on myself, you have this chance now. To quit the drinking and the smoking (well done by the way awesome you are) and to work on what makes you happy.

    I know you said you struggle working, have you thought about volunteering most places cover travel and lunch and you can pick how little or how many hours you want to do, this way you meet people with similar interest and as well work on something you could perhaps feel a real sense of achievement?

    Just my rambling thoughts I so hope they made sense!

    Take care if yourself

    Rich
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    While in no way making light of your concerns, I would like to point out a different perspective based on my own experience.

    The things you seem to be placing a lot of value on (wife/family/social experiences/and lesser extent financial success) are very understandable as ambitions to attain in your life but the only thing that would prevent attaining them would be maintaining the traditional stereotypical view of how those things are attained. I was very successful in business for many years before a drastic change in physical health followed immediately by a similar change in mental health made me unable to work. I went from earning in 6 figures a year (and the corresponding debt load and mortgage) to a smallish fixed disability income. While it was certainly a struggle for the first couple years (particularly before even the disability started) and the mindset of my wife suddenly earning substantially more money than me and finding extra work for us to get by until debt load was balanced out, so far as family life and children and quality time with family these last few years are by far the most satisfying of my life. From 70+ hours a week working and skipping out on family vacations as too busy to mix time from the business I was managing to actually going to see softball games and dance recitals, and accompanying the family on vacations and weekend activities.

    You do not need to be the primary bread winner as the male in today's world. There are a lot of career oriented women that would have no issue with that and that realize having two higher level professional careers in the same household is a very large strain on the family. While you may not be a doctor as your siblings, being part of a professional family is not an impossibility at all and this is aided by your current families social ties and structure. The point of all of this being , it is very easy to find things we cannot do, be it due to physical or mental issues, or simply skill sets we possess. But it is far more productive to spend time looking for ways to achieve out goals with what we can do rather than listing reasons we cannot. Not being a doctor or dentist while having the educational preparation and intelligence to pursue those goals is not the end of the world- simply something that must be adjusted to fit the overall scheme of what you are looking for. The relatively low paying freelance work I do now but from home is still very satisfying to me personally , even if it is earning $100k less a year. So you can still find satisfying work even if low paid. You can still have a family and financial status if willing to consider that it would not necessarily be you that was the "big earner".

    Figure out what your priorities are and then look towards what you can do within your abilities and limitations to achieve those things. I do not at all believe the ridiculous saying "you can be anything you want to be if you set your mind to it" or "If you work hard enough you can be anything you want" - that is pure crap because there are many things many of us cannot do regardless of effort or desire and work ethic. Where the truth is in those sayings is that you can attain situations that bring happiness and contentment if you place the effort needed into figuring out what the path to those things are and there are an endless number of paths in the world, and you have many many years to explore those paths if they are not cut short.
     
  4. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    Thanks

    One thing that has been making me want to check out recently is the thought that in order to support myself, I'm probably going to have to do 40 hour weeks at least of menial work until I'm about 75 or something (considering the rising retirement age in my country). I do 20 hour weeks on my volunteering of menial work, and I'd be better off dead during that time. Then I get home completely drained and just want to lie there. How am I going to achieve my ambitions in life, like understanding more of mathematics, if I'm spending so much time on menial activity?
     
  5. TJW

    TJW Member

    Everything in life is a trade-off. You simply don't have enough time to do "everything".

    But, you will find that life has "seasons".

    Ecclesiastes 3:1
    To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

    Right now, as you are living with your parents, and told that "they have enough money", you have an opportunity to learn mathematics unimpeded.

    As you reach your fill of mathematics, you may find that your "season" of having a wife and family has come.

    There are more than just a couple of "seasons". You may return to your studies later as well.

    It also matters how "menial" your work is. Fact is, people who are accomplished in given fields of work earn more money per unit time, and are therefore afforded more
    "free" time in which they can choose their activities.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 30, 2014
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.