Suicide as my destiny?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dvnj22, Apr 15, 2013.

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  1. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    As far as I can remember I always some how deep down know that I was going to kill myself, in the same way a person knows he is going be a doctor or something. I remember learning about my uncle's suicide, and I knowing that was for me. Also Self hate plays a part I guess, when I was 4 or 5 I hated myself for lack courage. In school I really that I was intellectually inferior and that give further reason to hate myself. Puberty or lack of has given me another reason. Adulthood has given another in being unsuccessful. So I hate myself intellectually, physically, and even my own lack of integrity. I have always been cowardly, gentle, and I hate myself for it. I am thinking about waiting to get a decent job save money for my funeral plan it out, so my family doesn't have too. I will also have to move out, so that they won't find me, my neighbors would - they would hear the gunshot. It will have a negative effect on them, but living life for them just so won't cry at my suicide is just torture for me, it may be selfish, but I'm too cowardly to live like that.
     
  2. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    if u say ur a coward for not going ahead and killing yourself then you're not a coward, dude. Deciding to kill yourself isn't an easy decision to make. It takes a ton of will power regardless of the pain we go through.
     
  3. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    Well I'm just a coward in general not because I will or will not I'll myself.
     
  4. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    well if you know you're a coward, stop being one. Make the changes you wish to see in your life.
     
  5. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    Cowardice, stupidity, being repulsive, and moral deficiency are all very intrinsically me. I hate my very existence, it is wrong. The best way to correct it is suicide.
     
  6. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    I don't believe suicide is anyone's destiny. It's a choice we may or may not make.

    You seem to be in a lot of pain. Are you seeing a therapist? You need some help to overcome your self esteem problems. Does your family know how badly you are feeling?

    Get whatever help you need. It's worth it to try to change things for the better, rather than feel there is no hope. There is always hope.
     
  7. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    Destiny is a strong word, I mean it loosely. I would say I have passion or a calling for suicide. It is the right thing for me to do. I hate my existence, I am SHIT.
     
  8. Milkshake

    Milkshake New Member

    You are NOT shit. I know what it feels like to be sick of yourself, to hate your own existence, i've been there.
    Kind of echoing Katrina77 here, but are you seeing a therapist? Does your family know? It's a good idea to talk to someone.
     
  9. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Self image and perception can be changed - if you choose a single thing to work on with a specific goal. Remaking yourself entirely in a day or week or year is not going to happen - but you can make small changes and corrections if you see something as needing work or different.
    If it is nothing more than telling somebody "no, I am too busy" instead of simply agreeing and doing something you do not want then make that a goal for a day and tomorrow it will be easier to do again. I do not know the specifics of what you think makes you cowardly or unable to do the things you would like to do but with these small steps you can gain confidence for bigger ones.
    Counseling and even medications can help with the fear of change and anxiety that contemplating change brings about as well.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  10. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to get into therapy, I can't talk to my family, they get mad at me... It doesn't help anyone. It doesn't make sense to try to get better. What's the point? Death gives no pain, and what do I really have to gain from life?
     
  11. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It sounds like there is a lot of life you have missed and have to gain - in fact by your admission most everything. That is a lot of upside! If death had no pain then considering it would not make people spiral into depression and cry so I would say it is really far more pain .....
     
  12. dvnj22

    dvnj22 Well-Known Member

    I honestly can't think of one thing that I can realistically look forward to in my future other then a quick death.
     
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