As far as I can remember I always some how deep down know that I was going to kill myself, in the same way a person knows he is going be a doctor or something. I remember learning about my uncle's suicide, and I knowing that was for me. Also Self hate plays a part I guess, when I was 4 or 5 I hated myself for lack courage. In school I really that I was intellectually inferior and that give further reason to hate myself. Puberty or lack of has given me another reason. Adulthood has given another in being unsuccessful. So I hate myself intellectually, physically, and even my own lack of integrity. I have always been cowardly, gentle, and I hate myself for it. I am thinking about waiting to get a decent job save money for my funeral plan it out, so my family doesn't have too. I will also have to move out, so that they won't find me, my neighbors would - they would hear the gunshot. It will have a negative effect on them, but living life for them just so won't cry at my suicide is just torture for me, it may be selfish, but I'm too cowardly to live like that.