Suicide attempt, close ones leaving and then thoughts of new attempt

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wixxus, May 22, 2014.

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  1. Wixxus

    Wixxus Member

    So... I was doing quite okay for a while (at least compared to my standards). Up until a certain point, where guilt took over, and since then it's just been a downhill ride.

    Before I start to explain, I'd like to explain that in Swedish schools, 7th, 8th and 9th grade is in the same building.
    At the end of 7th grade, I decided to get rid of my shitty "best friend" who constantly let me down, made me feel like shit, etc. So, 8th grade started and I felt like I really needed some good friends. I went out of my comfort zone and reached out to two people, one in particular. I'd like to point out that I have Asperger's Syndrome, so this whole situation was kind of hard for me. We became friends and slowly but steadily I made my way into their everyday life. They had a little gang of girls they hung out with every lunch break, and soon enough, I was part of that, it was the greatest thing ever. It gave me the motivation and strength to get up and go to school every day. My ~33% absence in 7th grade turned into 2 weeks of absence during the whole semester. I'd also like to point out that I have Major Depressive Disorder, useful information.

    The "one in particular" started growing feelings for me while I was still unsure of what I was feeling, as it's always been for me. Eventually I give in to the pressure of her giving me "hints" here and there, but it ended out great. I felt something I had never felt before, typical love stuff, I guess... but it was kind of different, I cried out of happiness, that's how great it was, while usually not even being able to cry out of sorrow. It felt very surreal, that I could feel that way. We were with each other around 5 hours every day for months, doing nothing but being at each other's houses... 'cause I'm a boring person with barely any interests whatsoever. We have so much in common, except that I like games, she doesn't and... I have MDD while she doesn't.
    Which brings me to my next point.
    She was feeling guilt over her not being able to do anything about my (untreated) MDD, and so I felt guilt over having it. A lot. Over time, my feelings of guilt, self-hatred, etc. kept on growing along with the reasons. I thought about it for a very long time, eventually I explained to her how I was feeling about it all, how she doesn't deserve me, etc. and she runs away crying... We then don't see each other for a few or so before I get over it and realize how dumb it was. I expect everything to go back to normal, only to have my world crushed. She tells me that it's too much for her to be around me, that it's hurting her too much and how she can't shoulder it all.

    Months pass, I feel worse and worse, week by week. But at least I still have the other friend left, and I talk to her daily, I'm quite clingy, actually. 3 months pass, it still hurts a lot to just think about my ex and I'm not sure if I should move on or not. For a while I've perceived some things here and there as "hints" from my friend, I even talked about it with an old friend and it seemed very obvious (I could explain this further, there was also a friend of the girl hitting on me who was messing with her and me, but it feels unnecessary, I can say that it indeed did mess with me, though). I guess I'm kind of desperate of always being really close to 1 person in particular... So eventually I once again feel the pressure of the "obvious hints" and give in to my unsure feelings.
    I get rejected... and this time it's the whole galaxy being torn apart. Lots of bad things piled up, and this even pushed me over the edge. The knowledge that she most likely won't speak to me again, or that I will be too scared to... Everything is just in ruins.

    I go to bed in hope of this horrible feeling going away. I wake up and it's even worse than before, it doesn't stop. Suicide had been a thing I had thought about a lot before, A LOT... but I had ALWAYS been too scared to do it. I had just got the medications for my MDD that I so desperately needed... I overdose, a lot. I then tell two of my friends that I'm doing it, one guy I had been talking a tiny bit to after some really bad nights and my closer friend. My intent was to die, I didn't want to get help. They didn't know my address and I wouldn't tell them. But eventually they got a hold of people who knew my parents' phone numbers and my home number. My closer friend's mom called my ex's mom which called my dad and the guy talked to one other person I know and his mom called, first home, I answered and refused to go get help, so she called my mom.
    The ambulance came, I had to drink activated charcoal and so I was sent away to the hospital. I got to drink this quite early, therefore the overdose wasn't as severe as it could have been, so I get to leave around 24 hours later.

    Now to the important part. I came back to both of my closer friends, (ex included) and begged them to just be my friend or something, I just needed them. Both of them proceeded to do the explanation of how they can't "shoulder it all", how it's too much for them. They still care enough about me to feel really sad about how I'm feeling and stuff, and yet they refuse to even be my friend. They won't just talk to me maybe a tiny bit each day, they won't even give me that...
    They still care, a lot, apparently. I just can't make it like this, though. I haven't been to school since said event, and I probably won't come back until 9th grade. I've been too tired to self-harm, it's too much to clean up everything afterwards. All I've thought about for the past few days is suicide. I can't take it anymore, I've tried my absolute best of explaining this to them, but they won't listen... Apparently it's more important to keep their own mental health than someone they care about's life.

    I've left some things here and there out, this wasn't meant to explain everything in my life. I feel like shit, a lot, basically. It's hard to deal with, and it's hard to deal with for people around me. I don't know what to fucking do, I can't go on like this.
    Help.
     
  2. Ljt

    Ljt Well-Known Member

    Hi wixxus,

    I read your post and I feel bad for you. Friends should be there for you through good and bad times. I opened up to a friend about my feelings and now I get ignored and even got told I was lying.

    I think people see mental health issues and the problems it could bring and it stops them from looking at the person and only see the problem.

    I now hold everything in and that's not right but it's all I can do. Feel free to vent your anger on this post to others. It might make you feel better.
     
  3. Wixxus

    Wixxus Member

    I tried to open up early on with the "best friend" I had. She got really mad at me and I then never talked about it again. I didn't talk about any of it with anyone until I met those two, actually, and then they eventually ended up leaving me because of it. Even though I feel as if they abandoned me, I can't feel mad at them for some reason... I've just been waiting, every day, for them to change their minds and message me, either of them. I'm close to being thrown into a mental hospital or something as I'm seen as a threat to myself. I've kind of given up, everything just sucks.
     
  4. Ljt

    Ljt Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean. I think it's the stigma that mental health brings and a lot of people don't want to be associated with family or friends who have issues.

    Do you have any brothers/sisters or close family who you can confide in?
     
  5. Wixxus

    Wixxus Member

    I definitely do, but I just don't feel like any of it helps. It only really did with those two. I can't get over it...
     
  6. CanesFam

    CanesFam Member

    Wixxus, you sound like an amazing person. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and make new friends and you did it. I have complete faith in you that you can do it again with people who actually care about how you feel. It's not easy, I know, but it will get better. You can always come on here and talk and share feelings.
     
  7. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I think you need to build a new social network. If you have 12 step groups in your area I would start there. Where I live there are many and they have helped a great deal. I live very far away from where I was born and I can be very isolated some times. So I started going to these group meetings and made many friends and my social life grew greatly. Please consider finding some groups where people are trying to help each other and talk about things. Then you will get a huge network of people to talk to or call on the phone. It has really helped me. My problem was I only had a few people to talk to and became too dependent on them. I used to be starved for human contact and wait for those people to call. But now I am so busy with my group meetings ( I go to as many as seven a week) that if someone calls me from the past I can take the call or if I'm tired wait till later. That s because I have such a full life through the 12 step groups. If I didn't have to work I could go to three or four meetings a day and have so much social contact and so many friends. You can too if you like. I so hope this helped you!!!! I will keep you in my thoughts and heart and prayers and I know things will get better for you!!!!
     
  8. Wixxus

    Wixxus Member

    Thank you, all.
     
  9. CanesFam

    CanesFam Member

    How are you feeling today?
     
  10. Wixxus

    Wixxus Member

    I guess I just feel kind of empty... It's hard to say. I'm scared to act.
     
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