It was Thursday when I made my attempts. I tried two different ways, but one I just couldn't go through with and the other I passed out but woke up later.
I posted on SF right before my attempt. I should have waited to see if anyone responded and listened to the good advice I was given. People answered. Showed they cared. But I didn't wait or read the responses that night. I went offline, and then messaged a friend, and told her I was thinking of killing myself. It was partly because I felt so bad about COVID. I have been so isolated. In the past year, I have left the apartment where I live alone three times- two were doctor's appointments, once to visit my family. In an entire year, I saw one friend ONCE. The complete and total isolation has been unbearable. Because I have a chronic illness, I am at HUGE risk from COVID, and at high risk of it giving me even worse health problems. So I have had to be so careful. I don't have the vaccine yet but hoped when I got it, I could stop worrying and things would go back to normal. But then I learned about the new variant that's worse than the old one and vaccine-resistant, and I knew this would never end. I couldn't take that.
Anyway, I messaged a friend after I posted here and told her I was thinking of killing myself. She called me back and yelled at me, saying that I wasn't going to kill myself and "I don't have time for this!" She seemed so mad, and like she didn't believe me. I got so upset. That is when I tried to kill myself. I hid my suicide attempt from everyone at first,.
Now I have talked to my friend since then, and realize that she really does care, even though I thought she didn't. She wasn't mad, she was just really stressed. She doesn't know that her reaction was the thing that pushed me over the edge- I knew how upset she would be if she knew she caused my suicide attempt so I didn't tell her.
Yesterday, I picked about 7 friends that I trusted and shared my suicide attempt(s) with them via Facebook. They have been so kind to me. So concerned. My friends want me to live. People have called me. People have written to me. They have offered to let me call in the middle of the night. They have said they want me alive. I thought everyone would be better off without me. My therapist got me an appointment with my psychiatrist, and he is going to increase my antidepressant.
My friends have shown me concern and compassion. They say they really care about me. But I don't' feel they are caring, I feel so alone and empty. My friends tell me I'm not alone, but I feel alone. Depression is awful. It lies to you. But I want to listen to those lies. I want to kill myself. I want to do it right this time. I have thought of another method that would work better. I'm tempted to try it. But I hesitate because people really are trying to help me. People are calling and checking up on me. They wouldn't do that if they didn't care.
Should I live? Should I fight? I will try to wait for a response this time from people here, and not just go and try to kill myself like I did last time. I want to do the right thing.Are my friends telling the truth that they want me to live? Should I live for them?
I posted on SF right before my attempt. I should have waited to see if anyone responded and listened to the good advice I was given. People answered. Showed they cared. But I didn't wait or read the responses that night. I went offline, and then messaged a friend, and told her I was thinking of killing myself. It was partly because I felt so bad about COVID. I have been so isolated. In the past year, I have left the apartment where I live alone three times- two were doctor's appointments, once to visit my family. In an entire year, I saw one friend ONCE. The complete and total isolation has been unbearable. Because I have a chronic illness, I am at HUGE risk from COVID, and at high risk of it giving me even worse health problems. So I have had to be so careful. I don't have the vaccine yet but hoped when I got it, I could stop worrying and things would go back to normal. But then I learned about the new variant that's worse than the old one and vaccine-resistant, and I knew this would never end. I couldn't take that.
Anyway, I messaged a friend after I posted here and told her I was thinking of killing myself. She called me back and yelled at me, saying that I wasn't going to kill myself and "I don't have time for this!" She seemed so mad, and like she didn't believe me. I got so upset. That is when I tried to kill myself. I hid my suicide attempt from everyone at first,.
Now I have talked to my friend since then, and realize that she really does care, even though I thought she didn't. She wasn't mad, she was just really stressed. She doesn't know that her reaction was the thing that pushed me over the edge- I knew how upset she would be if she knew she caused my suicide attempt so I didn't tell her.
Yesterday, I picked about 7 friends that I trusted and shared my suicide attempt(s) with them via Facebook. They have been so kind to me. So concerned. My friends want me to live. People have called me. People have written to me. They have offered to let me call in the middle of the night. They have said they want me alive. I thought everyone would be better off without me. My therapist got me an appointment with my psychiatrist, and he is going to increase my antidepressant.
My friends have shown me concern and compassion. They say they really care about me. But I don't' feel they are caring, I feel so alone and empty. My friends tell me I'm not alone, but I feel alone. Depression is awful. It lies to you. But I want to listen to those lies. I want to kill myself. I want to do it right this time. I have thought of another method that would work better. I'm tempted to try it. But I hesitate because people really are trying to help me. People are calling and checking up on me. They wouldn't do that if they didn't care.
Should I live? Should I fight? I will try to wait for a response this time from people here, and not just go and try to kill myself like I did last time. I want to do the right thing.Are my friends telling the truth that they want me to live? Should I live for them?
