Suicide - back again! I’m not sure if this is the place to talk about this but suicide is something that has been on my mind off and on again since high school back in 1980. At the moment I’m down, but certainly not dangerously at the moment. Many of the women at work are surprised that I’m not married? Unfortunately what or how can you tell someone that you’re a virgin and you haven’t even been on a date? I just thought that someone would have shown a little interest by now. I mean, I have never even received a letter or valentines card from a woman and I yes I have tried online dating services. I would love to find a best friend like that one who is as much interested in me as I am in them? I have such a feeling now that my time is up and that I fighting a loosing battle on this. I’m so tired of being sad and lonely 24/7. Most guys think about sex, a lot! I too from time to time think about sex, but I would give anything for someone who cared. I would love to just walk with someone. A woman who cared! A woman who’s hand I could hold! What I think about most is just having a best friend. In High school I was incredibly shy and something of a loner. Let me put it too you like this; my sister is the exact opposite of me very outgoing and was popular in school. She was one grade behind me in school. Her senior year she gave a graduation party, when out parents were gone naturally, there must have been 80 students there. Everyone, but three or four of her friends, didn’t know who I was, most asked why I was there and were shocked to find out who I was. You know right now I can’t think of a name of one person I went to school with? In College it was better at least I only strutted when attempting to ask a girl out but I usually just got laughed at. Unfortunately I did begin to gain weight and to think about suicide went up quite a bit. Since then I really have gotten dangerously close a few times over the years. Recently I have gotten back in shape and I have lost most of my weight. Interestingly enough the drive in doing this has been for me and for a woman at work. I have never been as attracted to another woman as I am with her. A lot of what I feel for her is that I know so much about her from her from our casual conversations over the last four years. Until I met her, I had totally given up on women and I was trying to adjust to being alone. Most often when I see a woman I’m attracted to I say to myself, “don’t think about it, don’t worry about it, it’s never going to happen.” Now with the lady at work, I find her warm, friendly, funny and beautiful. She is divorced and she has doing a fantastic job raising her 4 kids. How she interacts and is raising her kids really impresses me. She always has a positive attitude on it all. I would love to be the one helping her out with the kids and sharing her life. Just a chance to make her happy! She knows I like her. The problem here is that she is seeing another guy and other than just being friendly she has shown no interest in me at all beyond just being friends. I find myself hopping to find someone like her that just maybe if I hang on for just one more day I’ll meet the right woman. At times I feel like I’m being a total fool. Think about it. For over a year now Monday thru Saturday I get up in the morning at 3:30am and walking 4-5 miles in the morning before work and another 3 miles after work. Add onto that on Mondays, Wednesday, and Friday nights I have been lifting weights after work for an hour. As for nutrition, it’s been chicken, seafood and veggies. All this when I know that anything between us will never happen! She sure was one hell of an incentive to get in shape. The funny or sad thing is that she will probably never know! I just have it in my head that maybe tomorrow will be that day. That day when I’ll meet that person I have been looking for? My problem now is that I find myself getting down again, like I usually do on my birthday and with the close of another year. Either event just makes me a feel as if I’m wasting time and still nothing and I won’t even get into here how my low paying job is a waste of time! Why should I keep going on feeling like this every day, every moment that I’m awake? Except for my folks who I know my death would affect deeply, who would care and who would know? What do I have too loose? This is just a brief taste of my issues with shyness, stutter, job issues and lack of companionship. Weather it’s due to shyness and inability to interact with strangers or possibly I have some symptoms of SAD I don’t know? Way back then I felt so sure that someone would have taken a chance by now; never did I think it would end like this or that I would have lasted this long. At this moment I just can’t get a grasp on how talking to someone about all this could help. It sounds so weird; on the other hand my life hasn’t been normal that’s for sure. Thanks for listening!