suicide by job

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by broke, Mar 29, 2013.

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  1. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Not sure if this counts (again), but I have been doing a lot of thinking about things I've done before and how they ad up. My suicide attempts involve work, and I will only say that the kind of work I've taken in the last ten years has been dangerous work involving risky interaction with people who are often trying to kill you. There is a certain thrill about being in a TOTALLY LEGAL AND SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE situation in which you are trying to kill a person and they are trying to kill you. The guys I worked with all understood this, but they said I took too much risk with the things I did. I produced for my employers and felt like I was buying job security with blood and scars. I wasn't. I won't say what I did exactly, but quite a few times I did things which should have gotten me killed. I ended up shot, stabbed, beaten, and even run over by a vehicle once. The last one was the worst and took the longest time to recover.

    In my mind I was doing my job and really getting off on it. I was never afraid. The one time when I was pretty sure I was going to die, and had a few seconds to think about it, I thought only that my kids would miss me. Of course I survived that and approached the job with a different kind of focused anger: "these guys want to hurt the father of my kids, therefore they want to hurt my kids". It never occurred to me that it was "me" as in "I", or that "I am putting myself in these situations", until now.

    Rethinking much of my life the past few weeks, I am reexamining this as well. The really bad part is it isn't always easy to switch careers.
     
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    It may probably be little easier to change your approach to or motivation for your work but both are viable options. You ought anyway start to look at what to do as your physical ability for your work declines as it inevitably will.
     
  3. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    Start looking for a job, risking your life does not mean that you want to loose your life, best examples are cops and firemen, if you believe death will be caused by this job, start looking for something else, even if the pay is way lower, your children rather have less things than zero father.

    Good luck in your job search, I will pray for you to find one soon.

    God bless you.
     
  4. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the responses. Work is like therapy for me, I think I just need to take less risk. As far as cops and firemen go, I have worked with leo's from the federal level on down and can say some of the guys I met were even crazier than I am on the job. After putting more thought into it, I don't think I've tried to kill myself at work, but when you feel of little value other than success as the stated intent of your job description, you tend to do things in a way that is less than what is normally safe I guess.
     
  5. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Seems you've been looking at your life. Have you ever considered what would help you to feel of value?
     
  6. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    It would help me to feel of value to not have a wife that constantly derides me and and says what little value I am. If she didn't hate me and her life, that would help a lot. No sarcasm there at all. By constant I mean daily, hourly. I wake up to her yelling "wake the f up!". No matter how much I work, how attentive I am to her or our children, how supportive I am...anything....she hates on me non-stop. That is when it is good. When it is bad she regularly says what a big mistake it was to have a family with me and she goes out non-stop. Like every night for at least 4 hours. If I am really being perfect (that means taking her abuse, doing ALL of the housework, not making a peep or calling or texting her once, and being HAPPY and PLEASANT when she comes home) when she suddenly decides to leave at 4pm and not come home until midnight, leaving me to take care of all 5 kids (under the age of 10)...that is when she rewards me. She still doesn't say "hi" to me when she comes home, or even acknowledge my presence, but my reward is her not yelling at me and telling me what a horrible man, father, and husband I am. That only lasts a few hours though. Its been many years of this, I am at the end of being able to cope with it. Ya, my wife, the mother of my kids, my once best-friend an the person I am closest to....having her not totally hate me would go a really long way towards me feeling like I had some value. I know I have value, I just don't feel it.
     
  7. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    Read the book "walking on eggshells", it will help you realize there is something deep going on with her and make you realize it is not your fault or what you do, she needs to see a doctor.
     
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