Not sure if this counts (again), but I have been doing a lot of thinking about things I've done before and how they ad up. My suicide attempts involve work, and I will only say that the kind of work I've taken in the last ten years has been dangerous work involving risky interaction with people who are often trying to kill you. There is a certain thrill about being in a TOTALLY LEGAL AND SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE situation in which you are trying to kill a person and they are trying to kill you. The guys I worked with all understood this, but they said I took too much risk with the things I did. I produced for my employers and felt like I was buying job security with blood and scars. I wasn't. I won't say what I did exactly, but quite a few times I did things which should have gotten me killed. I ended up shot, stabbed, beaten, and even run over by a vehicle once. The last one was the worst and took the longest time to recover. In my mind I was doing my job and really getting off on it. I was never afraid. The one time when I was pretty sure I was going to die, and had a few seconds to think about it, I thought only that my kids would miss me. Of course I survived that and approached the job with a different kind of focused anger: "these guys want to hurt the father of my kids, therefore they want to hurt my kids". It never occurred to me that it was "me" as in "I", or that "I am putting myself in these situations", until now. Rethinking much of my life the past few weeks, I am reexamining this as well. The really bad part is it isn't always easy to switch careers.