Suicide by obligation

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ollie Dinsmore, Dec 19, 2010.

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  1. I've been feeling some form of depression for about four years now, since I was fourteen, or at least I think I have. The biggest instigator of my self hate comes from self-doubt, whether I actually feel bad or am just inventing these feelings to get people to feel sorry for me. The intensity comes in waves, and sometimes-day to day-I'll feel fine, good, even, I think, which fuels the doubt as to whether I'm genuinely sad. Afterwards I'll hate myself for even considering the fact that I could be depressed, which will make me depressed, which I will recognize and feel validated since I actually do have proof I'm sad, which in turn I just label as self-pity again and hate myself more--and it goes on. The only shred of dignity I can manage to hold onto-or, at least, strive towards-is the possibility that I could kill myself. In some perverted, obviously skewed way, I feel like if I could just get the courage to jump, to slash my wrists, to just finally end it and show the universe or whomever that I would go to the ultimate length, then I would prove I was actually depressed, not just some whiny immature kid. It hurts, a lot, and I know that it's wrong, know that I wouldn't get to come back laughing, pointing my finger at people and say "look what you made me do!", but it doesn't matter. There's a difference between knowing something and knowing it.
    I feel like shit most of the time but the times I don't hurt the most. I self harm-punching myself in the head or punching solid objects as hard as I can, cutting myself etc.-not because it "releases endorphins" or any of the explanations I read about, but because I feel obliged to. I feel like I have a penance to pay, like I need to act a certain way to earn the right to call myself depressed. Above all else I want to avoid the "reaching out for help" suicide attempts, the "just wanted people to notice him" stigma. The sad thing is that those are exactly how I see myself most of the time, as pathetic.
    I read a lot and am currently studying creative writing, have written for a long time, and want to one day become an author. My thoughts are littered with self-deprecation. Everything I say, think, or write comes off, to me, as contrived. I hate myself because I have to. I hate myself a thousand times a second, the notion comes out, reflects off the relief I get from the validation it brings, then goes right back to self-hate for being so jejunely contrived.
    So, in attempts to sum up everything, I want to know I genuinely have a problem; before I can begin to work in fixing myself I need to be proven that I have something to fix. Kurt Vonnegut said to never use semicolons, all they do is give the vague impression that you might've gone to university. I don't know why I just used one, but the reason I wont take it out is pretty much indicative of everything that's wrong with me.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    welcome. sounds like you genuinely feel bad, not like you are seeking attention of some kind. have you seen a doctor to find out if you are depressed, bipolar or have some other mental illness? sometimes these feelings come from a chemical imbalance. sometimes it's more complicated than that, and you need a good therapist as well as medication. i think it's time to explore all of your options. you don't have to keep suffering alone.
  3. jimmy88

    jimmy88 Well-Known Member

    Well you definitely lack confidence (don't we all, here?) so the doubt and self-deprecation are understandable. You are pondering suicide so by definition your state of mind should be taken very seriously and not questioned (even by yourself.)

    I punched a wall last year and broke my fifth metacarpal so you aren't alone with the self-destructive behavior. Yet while I did it out of anger and pent-up energy, you say you did it because you think you deserve it?

    Take a look at the above link and see if you identify with the symptoms of this disorder. Sounds like you meet some vital criteria.
  4. I've been to a psychologist, once when I was a little kid after my parents divorced and then again last year. I went and it didn't really help. Maybe it was just the guy I was talking to, but I didn't feel better, I actually just felt awkward and dreaded going there, not because he was mean or callous or anything, I just didn't enjoy trying to talk about myself with him. I've also tried talking with my friends-which was really difficult-thinking it was that be all end all solution most people just avoided until it got to rock bottom. That helped for a little bit, but now it just seems pointless again, or like I'm the pathetic friend who just wheedles them about my problems and they try to placate me and it doesn't work. I hate even more that I'm complaining on here, it feels like just the same thing in a different venue, but I don't see any other option. I feel too afraid to commit suicide but it's fast becoming the only option I can think of as a solution, and maybe one day my fear will be beaten by my resolve to actually take action.
    I remember the first time I heard suicide talked about by anyone else was when I was about twelve, and my older sister was telling me about the Rome and Juliet with Leonardo Dicaprio movie she watched in class, the one where they use guns and it's all modern. She was talking about how funny it was done or something along those lines, and said-about the scene where Juliet kills herself-"I know that suicide is one of the most cowardly things you can do, but...." and I remember being really bewildered, because I couldn't imagine how anyone could think of suicide as cowardly. Now, after doing quite a lot of independent research through both empirical studies and anecdotes, I get why logically, but, in practice, I'll never be able to think of jumping as cowardly. I've stood on a bridge and tried to jump off, you need a hell of a lot of bravery to will your knees to push.
  5. beachdawg

    beachdawg Well-Known Member


    Hi. Thanks for posting. Well, to answer the end of your post, it does sound like you genuinely have a problem. You're human, like all of us here, and you're supposed to have problems. That's part of being human; the human experience. (Kurt Vonnegut is somewhere chastizing me for that semicolon).

    Now, maybe if you can go to a doctor and get your problem labelled, put a name on it, it would be helpful. I know I began feeling terrible, horrible, crippling depressed feelings when I was 14. I waited all through high school, college, and even a couple years after to get help. And once I did, just hearing that many people struggle with this problem (depression) and eventually are cured or learn to control it was a huge help. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders... just knowing that bit of information.

    It also sounds to me like you may be minimizing your feelings. Your feelings are important.. they are yours. Don't minimize them. If they are negative, or self-destructive, and stay around too long, then again I emphasize to look for professional help. There are many forms of help, and there are many caring, compassionate people out there to assist. The touble is, we (the depressed, the anxiety-ridden, etc) have to make that first move... we have to extend our hands to ask for that help. And, believe me, I know how hard that is. I hope my response helps you in some way.
  6. Some of these sound kind of like me, but accepting that makes me feel like I'm conceding just because I want to find a problem with myself-feeling sorry for myself-which I guess could just be another nail in my coffin.

    This one quote, though: "is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat him or her well, e.g., is unattracted to caring sexual partners", really sprung up for me. I'm eighteen, can acknowledge I'm not unattractive usually, and have been doing dance for eleven years which, I know pretty empirically, makes some girls like me. Despite all this, the most I have done with a girl was "make out" with one when I was 11, and absolutely nothing since. Even right now-today, actually-there is a girl who wants to date me, who I've been texting pretty continuously for four months (I was away in montreal) and I am going skating with (alone) today in three hours. I was pretty hopeful about actually starting a relationship, to experience what basically all of my friends have and are experiencing, but as soon as I met her in the real world I felt paralyzed. At a party I got as far as putting my arm around her and felt terrible, I spent the whole night around her, knowing she wanted me to kiss her, and I couldn't. We went into my friends room alone, laying on the bed, and talked for hours but I couldn't force myself to do anything. Now I am supposed to hang out with her alone today and I feel terrible foreboding, and I don't know what to do.
  7. jimmy88

    jimmy88 Well-Known Member

    As long as you aren't "looking for symptoms" (which sounds like you clearly aren't) and approach self-diagnosis with the "o" word (objectivity) you have no reason to doubt. I have every symptom of a neurological disorder (cauda equina syndrome) and not even my lame urologist would give me the official diagnosis, opting to play with semantics instead. The experts aren't always accurate, but YOU know everything abou YOU.

    As for your social anxiety... you basically described me. My claim to fame is being hugged by a few chicks, back massaged by one, and another rested her head on my lap (lame but the implied feeling of security from the girl gave me an almost euphoric feeling.) I've been on 3 dates... two doubles which ended with the girl emotionally castrating me cause I choked. The last one was with a girl a couple months back I'd been chasing for a year and FINALLY decided to have drinks (she wanted weed anyway so there was alterior motive.) We talked for longer than any other chick I've been attracted to, but I can't establish "sexual tension" so we might as well have been buddies. Again, it was emotionally castrating. I felt like I'm not even a male but a human without gender.

    All I can say is you should give some seduction forums a try. There is a lot of showboating and sexist mentally in places like that but the fundamental info is spot on.
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