I've been feeling some form of depression for about four years now, since I was fourteen, or at least I think I have. The biggest instigator of my self hate comes from self-doubt, whether I actually feel bad or am just inventing these feelings to get people to feel sorry for me. The intensity comes in waves, and sometimes-day to day-I'll feel fine, good, even, I think, which fuels the doubt as to whether I'm genuinely sad. Afterwards I'll hate myself for even considering the fact that I could be depressed, which will make me depressed, which I will recognize and feel validated since I actually do have proof I'm sad, which in turn I just label as self-pity again and hate myself more--and it goes on. The only shred of dignity I can manage to hold onto-or, at least, strive towards-is the possibility that I could kill myself. In some perverted, obviously skewed way, I feel like if I could just get the courage to jump, to slash my wrists, to just finally end it and show the universe or whomever that I would go to the ultimate length, then I would prove I was actually depressed, not just some whiny immature kid. It hurts, a lot, and I know that it's wrong, know that I wouldn't get to come back laughing, pointing my finger at people and say "look what you made me do!", but it doesn't matter. There's a difference between knowing something and knowing it. I feel like shit most of the time but the times I don't hurt the most. I self harm-punching myself in the head or punching solid objects as hard as I can, cutting myself etc.-not because it "releases endorphins" or any of the explanations I read about, but because I feel obliged to. I feel like I have a penance to pay, like I need to act a certain way to earn the right to call myself depressed. Above all else I want to avoid the "reaching out for help" suicide attempts, the "just wanted people to notice him" stigma. The sad thing is that those are exactly how I see myself most of the time, as pathetic. I read a lot and am currently studying creative writing, have written for a long time, and want to one day become an author. My thoughts are littered with self-deprecation. Everything I say, think, or write comes off, to me, as contrived. I hate myself because I have to. I hate myself a thousand times a second, the notion comes out, reflects off the relief I get from the validation it brings, then goes right back to self-hate for being so jejunely contrived. So, in attempts to sum up everything, I want to know I genuinely have a problem; before I can begin to work in fixing myself I need to be proven that I have something to fix. Kurt Vonnegut said to never use semicolons, all they do is give the vague impression that you might've gone to university. I don't know why I just used one, but the reason I wont take it out is pretty much indicative of everything that's wrong with me.