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Suicide could end the burden

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ginger, Jan 7, 2010.

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  1. Ginger

    Ginger Member

    Im 26 and I've suffered two failed back surgeries in 2009, one in March, one in October. I'm in more pain than ever. I've been on a minimum of at least 5 different meds per day since March. It's led to severe depression, alienation, agitation, aggression, and severe mood swings. After my evening med dose, I don't remember what happens, and go off for an hour on my (former) fiance. He's been here through it all, and now he's done. He doesn't understand the depression, or why I tried to commit suicide. Even though all the doctors, and everything we've read together clearly shows that these stupid meds are what's making me crazy and act out like this, he just doesn't believe that it's the meds. I'm in constant pain, and need the meds, but they're destroying my life.

    I have two beautiful boys from my previous marriage, and can't imagine making them live without me, but I have been a horrible parent since this all started two years ago. I cant hold them, or play with them, or go for walks or watch them ride their bikes. It pains me to make dinner, but I do because I love them. I snuggle with them every chance I get, and say prayers with them every night before they go to sleep, but nothing seems to be enough. They keep asking when I'll be better. When I can play again. My 8 year old asks why this had to happen to me, that it wasn't fair. They don't understand that I won't be getting better. They have kept me alive this long, but I'm ruining their childhoods by being so short-tempered, and mentally unavailable because of the meds. They love me dearly, as I do them, but they aren't happy like they used to be, and the oldest tells me that quite often.

    Now that my fiance and I are having problems, I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. He says he wants things to work, but he isn't here to support me while coming off the drugs, and enduring the pain. He's been by my side through all of this, and he's just leaving me, worse than I've ever been. I'm scared to death. I don't live close to my family, so he was really my only lifeline, and up until the second surgery, when they added more meds, he was my best friend. But after taking that med at night, I would turn on him, and have no recollection at all. He's gotten fed up with it, and I can't say I blame him. I can't tolerate me most days, so why should I expect him to. I'm coming off the meds, but it's not happening quickly enough for him. I just need help. But if I don't get some support some time soon...I'm gonna try it again, but I know how much I need the next time!

    I've made everyone around me worried, and I've become a burden on them, and my boys. I feel like I'm being selfish staying alive, because in reality, my life will always be filled with pain, which means the people around me will suffer watching me go through it. I just a living burden to everyone who passes. If I could just get that miracle I've been praying for, I could be alive and well.
  2. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Ginger, unfortunately I am too familar with the situation you are in. A large amount of my life has been seeing my mother in horrible pain everyday to do some severe back injuries. I am sorry you are having to go through this and I hope things turn around for you, take care :hug:
  3. Ginger

    Ginger Member

    Thanks. How does your mom make it from day to day without going crazy, or thinking about or attempting suicide? I have so many stupid, stupid pills that I could create a freakin suicide cult. It's ridicules, and I never imagined, EVER, that this would be my life. I've always been healthy and taken care of myself, so I don't know what happened. My only way to rid the suicidal thoughts is to get off the pain meds, but then I'll be in so much pain that I'm depressed. It's just this vicious cycle that won't go away! I'm only 26! How long is a person supposed to live like this?
  4. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean when it comes to the pain pills. My mother had to get herself off of all of them as they caused another accident for her unfortunately back in 2003. She has been off of them completely for the past 6 years and someone manages to work a full time job too. I dont know how she does it but she does. She has said that she learned to deal with the pain overtime without the use of meds although she is at the point now of taking a half of a pain pill at night. I am really sorry you have to go through what you are going through but hopefully someday in the near future the medical community will come up with something that will help with the pain.
  5. Ginger

    Ginger Member

    I hope, but I'm beginning to not trust the medical community considering the ones that have screwed me up over the past 9 months. Thanks for taking the time to read my post though, at least someone is paying attention :)
  6. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    We're here for you Ginger!!!! Hang in there!
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ginger I'm sorry that I cant relate to your story from the pain side of it. But I can relate to the mental health issues and how they affect your relationship with your children. All I can offer is that you keep trying to make them understand. At their ages now, it's all about them. They cant understand what you are going through. But as they get older they will and they will help out a lot more too.

    Your boyfriend/fiancee sounds like he needs someone to talk to as well. He has been there for you and has probably found himself up against a wall now. He's spent and doesnt know how to express it so he gets fed up. Could you both attend some sort of counselling or a support group. It might help you to find things that will eliminate some of the stress you're both suffering.

    Ginger you can talk here. Talk until you cant anymore. People will understand and will support you through this. Having this site might take some of the pressure off of having only your fiancee to talk to. You might even find some helpful tips on other methods of dealing with the physical and emotional pain.

    I really hope that you can find some help here. You are struggling with so much. And it must be wearing you right out. Keep posting.
  8. Ginger

    Ginger Member

    I come here to talk because I need to. He doesn't want to talk about me anymore because it "stresses" him out, and he's tired of seeing me cry. He said he would go to counseling with me, but now he just wants to back off. He used to go to all of my doctors appointments with me and stay involved with everything, and he hasn't gone to any in the past 3 months. It's like he doesn't care. I've tried to explain that he would go, they could explain the medications, and the depression the meds and pain is causing, but he won't make time. I cant make him. Maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe it's just drawing closer to my time.
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