Im 26 and I've suffered two failed back surgeries in 2009, one in March, one in October. I'm in more pain than ever. I've been on a minimum of at least 5 different meds per day since March. It's led to severe depression, alienation, agitation, aggression, and severe mood swings. After my evening med dose, I don't remember what happens, and go off for an hour on my (former) fiance. He's been here through it all, and now he's done. He doesn't understand the depression, or why I tried to commit suicide. Even though all the doctors, and everything we've read together clearly shows that these stupid meds are what's making me crazy and act out like this, he just doesn't believe that it's the meds. I'm in constant pain, and need the meds, but they're destroying my life. I have two beautiful boys from my previous marriage, and can't imagine making them live without me, but I have been a horrible parent since this all started two years ago. I cant hold them, or play with them, or go for walks or watch them ride their bikes. It pains me to make dinner, but I do because I love them. I snuggle with them every chance I get, and say prayers with them every night before they go to sleep, but nothing seems to be enough. They keep asking when I'll be better. When I can play again. My 8 year old asks why this had to happen to me, that it wasn't fair. They don't understand that I won't be getting better. They have kept me alive this long, but I'm ruining their childhoods by being so short-tempered, and mentally unavailable because of the meds. They love me dearly, as I do them, but they aren't happy like they used to be, and the oldest tells me that quite often. Now that my fiance and I are having problems, I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. He says he wants things to work, but he isn't here to support me while coming off the drugs, and enduring the pain. He's been by my side through all of this, and he's just leaving me, worse than I've ever been. I'm scared to death. I don't live close to my family, so he was really my only lifeline, and up until the second surgery, when they added more meds, he was my best friend. But after taking that med at night, I would turn on him, and have no recollection at all. He's gotten fed up with it, and I can't say I blame him. I can't tolerate me most days, so why should I expect him to. I'm coming off the meds, but it's not happening quickly enough for him. I just need help. But if I don't get some support some time soon...I'm gonna try it again, but I know how much I need the next time! I've made everyone around me worried, and I've become a burden on them, and my boys. I feel like I'm being selfish staying alive, because in reality, my life will always be filled with pain, which means the people around me will suffer watching me go through it. I just a living burden to everyone who passes. If I could just get that miracle I've been praying for, I could be alive and well.