Suicide enveloping me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by defeatedandlost, Jun 26, 2011.

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  1. I think of suicide every moment of every day. Its like something is pulling me there and I am too tired to resist it anymore. I told my therapist that I was planning to do it but she didnt seem to realize that I am serious. I think she looks at my love for my child as meaning I wont do it but she doesnt see that is one of the reasons I will. I cant stop my urges anymore. I dont want anyone to talk me out of my thoughts or try to stop me. I stay away from everyone so they wont pick up on signs. I got all my things in order and collected the way to do it. I keep waiting for the time that my child isnt going to be home to find me but so far there hasnt been one. I feel like I am bursting and want to explode out of this world right now. I dont think I can take the waiting anymore. It hurts too much to bear and I am all out of strength. I dont know if I can hold on much longer and I keep trying and trying but I feel like I am failing even that. :(
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    There must be some hope left in there..Your daughter will need you as the years progress..You don't want to leave her with the stigma of your death..I know it's hard because I fight suicidal thoughts every day.. My grandaughter is who keeps me alive..I refuse to do that to her..SI runs in my family..
  3. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    Remember your baby girl. ive been without my mama, at least in heart, her mother took away from her what she should have given me, dont let that happen to your daughter too, please.
  4. m489332

    m489332 Member

    If you really feel that close to needing to end it... you need to buy yourself some time to step back from those intense feelings, you think that ending it will give you a way out, but what about your daughter? It will start a world of pain for her. Don't let your suicidal feelings build more momentum. GIve yourself one more chance.

    Does your therapist have you on antidepressants? Can you try different ones if the current ones are not helping?
  5. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Can you get any better help. Telling your therapist what your plan is and what you are doing to carry it out might prompt some action.
    Sending love xx
  6. I dont want help. I just want to go. Im sorry it sounds so selfish. it really isnt. just no one knows or understands. i wanted to reply, i just cant. im sorry.
  7. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    Dont be sorry defeated :hug: dont seek help, look at your daughter instead, then look at me. Raise her differently than what i had so she can be happy, and loved her whole life. Dont leave her alone, you would be trying to help her, but you really wouldnt help at all...
  8. I was forced into the hospital for several days and put on some medication. My husband and child like the medicated me, everyone does I think. I have been up for 32 hours - man, it feels like shit. Diagnoses, medications, meetings; where do I fit into everyones equations?
  9. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member

    Find something small and positive you can focus on.

    When I can't sleep because of my grief, I try to get into a thought process like reliving a bike ride that I'd taken, or a run that I've done. Reliving each step or pedal, the way my body felt with each step. If I can get into the thought process I'm safe. Living an hour at a time is very very hard, but at some point maybe better times can return.
  10. It's been about 4 years since I had written this. Since then, the medications worked and I got my life back. For those years I was content and had a healthy life again. I had made a profound turn around.

    Now, in just a matter of several weeks, I have crashed back down to this point again. The details of why aren't important. Not knowing what will happen from here is.

    I don't know why I came back here. I don't know what I was wanting to happen. For a moment it helped because I thought that I could finally release my despair to people who know exactly what I am talking about. But in the end, it only made me feel even worse. There is just no where for me to go.
  11. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Hello Defeatedandlost, I am new here and saw your post spans a long time period. All I can say is, I understand despair. I am glad you had some years of respite feeling good but sorry you find yourself here again. Best wishes.
  12. My therapist and casemanager called me in for an appointment with both of them yesterday morning. I suspected that they were up to something and they were. They put me on a 72 hour hold, but the hospital discharged me this morning despite me being honest with them about 6 attempts in the past few weeks. I denied being suicidal now though. So they sent me home and didn't make me stay for the 72 hour hold. I called and left messages for my therapist and casemanager so that they will know what happened. But I am not sure if I want to go see them again. I just feel like I can't trust them anymore. And that bites because I don't know how to handle my feelings and urges to die right now. I just cant live in so much pain and I don't know how to make it stop. I cant even put how I am feeling into words. :(
  13. kristellechou

    kristellechou Well-Known Member

    Doesn't it suck that we can lie about not being suicidal and people buy it when we can't fake ourselves out of depression?
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