Suicide fantasy keeps coming to me (Trigger or huge waste of time?)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dunwich, Apr 10, 2007.

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  1. Dunwich

    Dunwich Member

    I've viewed enough here in the last 3 days to know that unlike 95% of everyone else, I'm not suicidal because of any 'real' problems in life. None of the following is technically baggage. My being here is most likely just because of some pesonality disorder. I feel like writing this, and want information more that encouragement.

    I'm not depressed in the conventional sense. I'm increasingly feeling that suicide is the next logical course of action for my life. I used to see some sort of positive future that I was working toward, but now it's all just desolation that doesn't even point to a dead end. It's not just inability to find a decent job, but that whatever "purpose" I had in life seems to have officially ended. I realize that purpose is just a delusion forged in us by evolution to breed discontent and facilitate movement to as many reproductive partners as possible, but I feel it anyway. I had high aspirations for the distant future, but I view anything I DO as a chore, so my short-term goal always became to get it over with so I could get back to solitude and do nothing. I don't feel loneliness, so solitude breeds little discontent compared to the stress of being in public or human interaction.

    I was really confused when I first heard the term "emotional needs" in terms of needing other people. My main emotional need is isolation, and the occasional need to cry or hit something is best handled in solitude as well.

    "Physical touching needs" unrelated to sex was a baffling concept as well. I've always found hugging forced, and body heat repulsive. Sure, body heat would be nice during sex (I'm no necrophiliac, but I often find myself making jokes about necrophilia) and warmth is nice in extreme cold, but I used to take my bath towel to bed with me because the clamminess was so soothing, and that was before I became slightly overweight and prone to overheating.

    I always assumed that everyone else just wanted solitude as well, so I often showed people that I cared about them by giving them their space. That's what my parents did for me most of the time, and I appreciated it. I realize how counterproductive this is in terms of relationships, but dating and hanging out were things I felt I "never learned how to do", and there was no one to teach me, so I never did. I fantasize about what I could have had with any one of the fellow CMU alum that I realize in hindsight were interested in me. However, when I think that I actually could have meant something to them (a completely alien idea until recently since everyone else seemed to get along just fine without me) it just tells me I must have really been a jerk who rejected them from their perspective. So if I ever did "count" as someone to others, it ironically becomes a reason I deserve to die instead of just wishing for it.

    My only connection is still just to my parents. It's annoying since it's just their standard programming that one must care for their offspring. I never responded to affection, just material support, including information. I guess that makes me materialistic, though I don't think I'm greedy. I just need the basics of life and the stuff I compulsively collect, since it still gives me the same pleasure as in childhood. I would like to contribute to the gene pool, just for the mad scientist desire to see what damage my spawn could to to the world I increasingly hate. One branch of my dad's family tree is still reproducing, but my mom's side's DNA dies with me. I do feel bad about that.

    Oh yes. I titled this post "Suicide Fantasy". It actually left me for a minute. Now it's back.

    I really want to have an elaborate wedding for the sole purpose of blasting my brains out in front of everyone I know right after the veil is lifted. I've always hated weddings as a form of societal masturbation used to validate the union of 2 people who can both stomach each other indefinitely and routinely have sex. Once the cookie-cutter expression of "love" is set in motion, who the lucky couple are is completely irrelevant, so I'd just like to know if the reception and other festivities would continue even once I did this. Would old friends and relatives still get together, spend the night at the hotel and have sex as long as they still had it booked through the night? And just think of all the pain in the coming weeks from the well intentioned calls and cards congratulating the happy couple, because you can't speedily announce something like that. And would I even get a funeral and cremation after having all that money for the ceremony unexpectedly pissed away? No, I wouldn't know, but that knowledge would be my selfless gift to everyone who felt they should care about me for whatever reason. And since none of them would ever attend another wedding without thinking of it, I'd have actually hurt a societal institution as surely as if it were a living thing. Since everyone but me seems to have gotten some little handbook explaining all our little rituals sometime in Jr. high, said rituals have caused me nothing but pain, and hurting one back would be as noble a cause as any to die for.

    Or maybe I think I can score a do-over and re-live this life making choices that see people as more relevant to me and vice-versa. I can't wish it so myself, but maybe in that one moment of turning everyone's satisfaction into shock and horror without giving them a logical motive to turn their confusion into hatred of me, could the purity of their desire to avert that present moment at all costs be enough of a cataclism to send me back to do it right? Can every ounce of goodwill felt towards me be cashed in this way? Everyone else posting here deserves a do-over more than I, but I can't stop thinking that this could work.

    Has anyone ever heard of a suicide like this? Seriously, I need to know! I couldn't find anything on the urban legends database and don't know where else to look. If responding here could be a trigger, then make it a private message! And don't think that there's one answer I should hear because you want to "save" my "life". If yes, I'd feel less original and validated; if no, it'd be incentive to get my life together not kill myself in the most immediate way possible since I'd be saving death for marriage.

    Does anyone else just find suicide somehow logical? Is it just me, or is this some dormant lemming instinct being awakened in millions of us by knowledge of Earth's impending overpopulation? If so, it's one of many since most humans seem more inclined to find excuses to kill each other, and that's unfortunate since the considerate ones will likely kill themselves, leaving the world to be ruled by the biggest jerks for another few generations.

    Like I said, I don't know what response I expect to this post besides answers to the few specific questions. I don't know why I keep thinking about this. I know I mistrust most encouragement and compliments, so maybe I think this'll be theraputic for someone else. Even if everyone else here has real problems that I'll die without truly being able to identify with.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2007
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi D...some of the things you write are very much like others here...less hopeful, isolation, some apathy, if not questioning initimacy...these are some things that do come from depression...seeking support, both professional, and peer support such as this forum, may be helpful...sorry you are feeling this way and i hope you stay and continue to tell us how you are doing...welcome and hope to see you around...big hugs
     
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