Well, I decided to post on this forum because I pretty much don't know what to do else. I think I'm actually suicidal for at least the last 3-4 months, contemplating the act each day and night. Last month I lost my job as a journalist, which gave me a lot of free time to do nothing but drink and wallow in the perspectives that open up on this account. I'm 23 years old, a war vet, live alone, have a number of friends and that's it. Don't suffer from depression or anything of the sort, at least I think so, maybe for the exception that I MIGHT have antisocial personality disorder, though I've never been to a psychiatrist or actually checked out. I've lurked the forum a bit, seeing how people write they are lonely, or sad, or having other emotional validations for wanting to end their lives, but I don't understand why I want to die. Not because of a depressed state, not because someone left me, not because I don't get my meds. It's like a gnawing feeling at the back of my head, a splinter that I just can't take out of my head. Thing is, I have access to tools that can do the job quickly. I can't take them off my mind. I can't stop thinking about blowing my brains out. I'm bored, frustrated and generally pissed off, because it feels that I've done and seen pretty much everything worthy in my life and there's no real reason to continue in the same route. I know its not true, logically, but I guess this whole situation isn't very logical. The other thing is, that all my life I've been the lest emotional person I know. Like, to the point I've been reffered to as "robot" and "unhuman". I can't possibly bring myself to tell someone, even online pals, how I feel and that 80% of the time I'm thinking about ending my own life - I'm not used to it. I can't call a Hotline, because I know that I'll just can't answer their questions about "why I want to do it", what's the reason and etc, and that I'll just remain stupidly silent. It's all locked up and even now I have trouble explaining myself because all these thoughts and feelings never get out. I have no reason to either commit suicide or to NOT commit it. I just want to. For some time, I felt like a critical mass of this frustation and rage is building inside me, and now I feel that it got ultimately close to the point that I won't listen to the voice of logic, to my own reasoning of "well you can still wait a bit" - the urge starts to overwhelm it. And no one knows. Ultimately, I can't tell anyone I actually know about how I feel because I can't. Physically. Everytime I open my mouth to answer to a "how're you doing" something along the lines off "well, awfully, I'm rarely sober and want to kill myself", instead I say: "great, and you?". I grit my teeth and shut up on any subject related to how I am and how I exist. It just becomes an enclosed circle of pain. and, well, I'm tired and bored, if that makes sense.