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suicide for no valid reason

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kombatx, Feb 12, 2009.

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  1. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    Well, I decided to post on this forum because I pretty much don't know what to do else.
    I think I'm actually suicidal for at least the last 3-4 months, contemplating the act each day and night. Last month I lost my job as a journalist, which gave me a lot of free time to do nothing but drink and wallow in the perspectives that open up on this account.
    I'm 23 years old, a war vet, live alone, have a number of friends and that's it. Don't suffer from depression or anything of the sort, at least I think so, maybe for the exception that I MIGHT have antisocial personality disorder, though I've never been to a psychiatrist or actually checked out.

    I've lurked the forum a bit, seeing how people write they are lonely, or sad, or having other emotional validations for wanting to end their lives, but I don't understand why I want to die. Not because of a depressed state, not because someone left me, not because I don't get my meds. It's like a gnawing feeling at the back of my head, a splinter that I just can't take out of my head. Thing is, I have access to tools that can do the job quickly. I can't take them off my mind. I can't stop thinking about blowing my brains out. I'm bored, frustrated and generally pissed off, because it feels that I've done and seen pretty much everything worthy in my life and there's no real reason to continue in the same route. I know its not true, logically, but I guess this whole situation isn't very logical.

    The other thing is, that all my life I've been the lest emotional person I know. Like, to the point I've been reffered to as "robot" and "unhuman". I can't possibly bring myself to tell someone, even online pals, how I feel and that 80% of the time I'm thinking about ending my own life - I'm not used to it. I can't call a Hotline, because I know that I'll just can't answer their questions about "why I want to do it", what's the reason and etc, and that I'll just remain stupidly silent. It's all locked up and even now I have trouble explaining myself because all these thoughts and feelings never get out.

    I have no reason to either commit suicide or to NOT commit it. I just want to. For some time, I felt like a critical mass of this frustation and rage is building inside me, and now I feel that it got ultimately close to the point that I won't listen to the voice of logic, to my own reasoning of "well you can still wait a bit" - the urge starts to overwhelm it.

    And no one knows. Ultimately, I can't tell anyone I actually know about how I feel because I can't. Physically. Everytime I open my mouth to answer to a "how're you doing" something along the lines off "well, awfully, I'm rarely sober and want to kill myself", instead I say: "great, and you?". I grit my teeth and shut up on any subject related to how I am and how I exist.

    It just becomes an enclosed circle of pain. and, well, I'm tired and bored, if that makes sense.
  2. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Wanting to commit suicide is an emotional crisis to begin with. Wanting to perform the act is a very good justification for wanting to perform it... if that makes any sense at all. It sounds to me like you are simply not happy. You're not distressed, you're not traumatized, you're simply NOT happy. And there's no reason to live if you're not happy.

    You can't answer a "how are you?" with anything but the standard responses. It doesn't work that way. No one WANTS to know how you're doing - they're really just saying "hi". We all do it, though - thinking of suicide one second, someone greets us with "how are you?" we say, "good, yourself?" and then go back to the suicidal thoughts the next second.
  3. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    You mentioned you are a war veteran - there may be some programs where you can talk to someone, even if it is just to figure out why you are feeling so upset and frustrated?
  4. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    As far as I know, there are such programs, but they work mainly to supply the person seeking medical treatment that medical treatment. I don't need it, if I want medicine I get alcohol. The results are faitly the same I think. And for some psychologist to dig in every detail of my personality in order to figure out something, no, I don't think that would work. It would just stirr up unneccessary self-reflexing.
  5. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    you probably arrived at this point after losing your job. one negative thought leads to another and the spiral downwards starts. it will continue to plunge to a point which i think you have finally arrived now. the mind is a dangerous weapon. used wrongly, it can make people commit suicide or want to suicide, in this case, with many forumners in here. Better get a grip on yourself and start to pro-actively look for a job , get one and move on cos if u allow your this kind of thinking to continue, eventually you will make it in the newspapers.
  6. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    If I can say one thing, I don't know what your history with psychological treatment and/or medication is...but it might be a bit hasty to choose self medication with alcohol because you have made assumptions about the effectiveness of psychological therapy or medication. I'm just suggesting that in case you have been disregarding those therapies as an option without fully investigating or trying them.

    If I were to guess, and that's all I can do from this distance, it's no accident that these thoughts of yours coincide with the loss of your job. And from what you have said, you may have been in some pretty stressful situations in the past that can take their toll, plant some seeds, and so on...

    Proactively getting yourself back into the job market was some of the best advice I read in the thread. It will get you back into the type of routine that keeps people moving along and also keeps them from drowning in their own negative thoughts. It also provides a sense of purpose and momentum (both the search and ultimately the job).

    Anyway, I can relate to some of what you're saying about yourself. But it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. It also sounds like you have some interesting experiences that can provide you with a strong perspective that not everyone has - both as a person and as a journalist if that is what you want to keep doing.

    You don't really strike me as a wallower and you sound like someone who does have a contribution to make once you jack up the car and change the flat tire, so to speak.
  7. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    Well, let's say that I understand how many psychological therapies, like CBT for example, work. I've nearly finished my higher education, and it involved a course on psychology, so I have some vision of the subject. When I say that I think they won't work, I mean that they won't work for me, because why do I need a psychologist if I can lay myself on the couch and do the same digging on my own? I understand the difference of a proffesional preforming therapy or say, group therapy, but the basis of it remains the same - opening up. Showing weakness. Admitting a problem. I cannot do that face to face. When I interact with other people, I have no weakness. I can't and essentially, don't want to get past that barrier in real life.

    As for medication, I'm just afraid of forming addiction, because I have a tendency towards it.

    Job... I don't think it's a contribution, I've started feeling so really inclined on suicide months before being fired, the loss of job just gave me more free time to be one on one with myself. When I worked, I already didn't feel nor the purpose, nor the momentum. I don't want to work anymore because I see the futility of it all in the bigger scheme and longer run. Don't want to sound like a whiny person, but it's really how I feel. I was forced to leave military after my service ended by my peers to get higher education and a "normal" job, and well, it all feels artificial and dumb to be honest. Contributing? Millions of others can do that perfectly fine without my attendance to the proccess.

    That'd be pretty ironic, I hope.
  8. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    some vision of psychology isnt all the vision there is so what you end up studying may actually be nowhere near the treatment that you, if you swallowed your pride and realised that yes you do need medical help, would get. its pride.. thats all it is thats stopping you from getting the help. nothing else

    you are not going to find the answers at the bottom of the bottle believe me. and just please stop giving yourself reasons to get worse. just the simple fact of trying to get a job is an attempt to get yourself out of this spiral

    the people on here arent having a go at you.. they are on your side and trying to help you as we all understand what the feelings and emotions are like even if the situations are so different

    wish you luck
  9. neutral

    neutral Well-Known Member

    kombatx, I can relate to what you have posted. As per my forum name apathy rules and it seems logical, however since I have nothing to lose by staying alive it seems more logical to do nothing.

    I have tested answering the "How are you?" question with "I feel nothing". The truth is that how would you want people to react. :wink:

    The one thing I would say is being a war vet, you have had a lot of experience over the last few years of life good and bad. Have you spoke to other war vets?
  10. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    Sure I did. But most of my army friends' lives go on quite nice, or at least they make it look like that - lots of plans, perspective and so on. Two got families already. I can't relate to that actually.
  11. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    Well, the idea of therapy generally is getting past that barrier in order to improve your coping abilities. Lots of people are afraid of doing that and that can lead to dismissing therapy as useless and so on.

    There's no guarantee that anything in particular will work. But if you're at this stage, I'd just suggest that it's worth trying. Lots of people go through life with a permanent wall / barrier that has been set up for protection.

    It doesn't sound like you have much to lose by letting down the barrier in a controlled setting. I'm sure it could be difficult / challenging / embarrassing at first... But those are usually the kind of challenges that pay off in the end.

    Anyway, to have the possibility of benefiting from therapy you have to be pretty open and cooperative, I believe. Which would mean being willing to accept the possibility that it could work, even if you already have a rough idea of the principles involved and aren't necessarily comfortable taking that step.

    For what it's worth, I have some understanding of how you're feeling and also of your attitudes toward therapy. I can relate to them. I'm just trying to look out and I'd hate to see you skip to the last resort without at least exploring other options that have a reasonable chance of being helpful.
  12. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    The main reason why I don't want to go through the experience of therapy is that because I'm not interested in the end result of it, like people usually do - in being able to achieve happiness, build relationships, or get a peace with one self. I don't need all of this. All my adult life I never had seen these common goals as my own - I didn't ever think that living a happy, full life, having a family or "someone to care for me", to find a significant other or to be a good nice person or any of this tripe is my cup of tea.
    What would the therapist cure me from or what path would he try to lay for me? Not the one I'd like anyway, a normal path of living as an appendage to someone else? To be able to cope so I could breed or care for someone? Nah. That's not it.
    For some time, I put my aspirations in art and writing, before and after army, it did keep me somewhat hooked up to the society and my interest in the world, but after using it extensively, this mechanism, I think I've reached the end of its potential and now, my only other option is just ending it all. Something makes me think that its doubtful that a psychotherapist might use such some untraditional options to anchor me down to living, so it'd be better if I was just gone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 14, 2009
  13. cinZamurai

    cinZamurai Well-Known Member

    please come off it, you take life for granted.

    Enjoy this extreamly limited and rare gift, yes this is really "it" and there is enough time for nothingness after it.
  14. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    Life is not a gift, nor is it limited or rare. It just happens, and that's all. If it was rare and limited, there wouldn't be 6+ billions of people roaming this tiny planet.
  15. cinZamurai

    cinZamurai Well-Known Member

    Its a matter of comparing it to the prospect of nothingness in eternity. Nothing to be scared of but all the same life is not to be taken for granted. This is all we get so why not experience it, I mean its plenty of time to experience nothingness after it anyhow.
  16. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    I experience nothingness while living, pretty much. Plus, being dead, you cannot compare it to anything, and therefore regret the choice because you well, cease to exist.
    Maybe, who knows, if the scientific and materialistic view on the world IS wrong, death is actually funner.
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