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Suicide for others

Femke

Well-Known Member
#1
I am mentally ill, i suffer from complex ptsd and psychosis (and probably attachment disorder). I feel this was for a big part caused by my own bad choices in life. The father of my son was sociopathic, among other things, and defending my son against him for years (and against CPS, ironically, who literally said sociopaths can make good dads too) broke me. Such that i cant care for myself and my son, even years later. Son is safe and well though. There have been some troubling things in my childhood too, some sexual and emotional abuse. But for the biggest part it was my impulsivity and repeated bad partner choice, not seeing through abuse and manipulation, that destroyed everything.

Overall, i am an evil person. My family suffered deeply because of me. My mum died of cancer and i fear stress over me and my anger at her made her ill. My son basicly grew up with no dad (thank God) and a wreck of a mum, and his grandparents. One of which i took from him now.

I want to protect the people i love. I contemplate suicide to protect others, so they arent burdened by me any longer. I begged for therapy for 9 years, didnt get it and gave up. I dont think i can recover, i just cant live with myself any more, i hate myself basicly.

Im also scared of being demon possessed, which in some of the churches i visited is seen as the cause of psychosis. I fear punishment after death. And i fear "contaminating" others with this.

I just dont really know what to do. :'( I really wish i could be a good person with a good influence on others. I just dont think i can be one anymore.

Help.

And sorry for being so negative...
 
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mors321

SF Supporter
#2
Hi femke

It sounds like you’ve been through an incredibly painful and unfortunate series of events and I’m really sorry for that.

From what you’ve said her you are in absolutely no way an evil person. You protected your son, who is now safe and well, as you have said. You obviously care about your family and those around you and that alone is evidence that you a kind and caring person. You want what is best for your loved ones and that is the mark of a good person. It can be so hard to see that through the selfhate, but I guarantee those close to you see you as a positive influence in their lives and someone who they value and want to keep alive. From the sounds of it you have been the best parent possible in the circumstances and you should be proud of yourself for it.

Also I don’t think you should be worried about being demon possessed. I personally don’t beleive in such things, and I think that nothing related to mental health can be traced back to such things, and in believing such a thing can only negatively contribute to your self image.

I am sending all my prayers and good vibes to you ❤️
 
#3
I don't think you necessarily were a contributing factor to your mother's death. I don't see it as being remotely like that she would have not gotten cancer if you hadn't been around.

I begged for therapy for 9 years, didnt get it and gave up
Do you want to say why you couldn't get therapy?
And sorry for being so negative...
It's ok to say whatever you really feel. No one is going to read threads on SF if they can only tolerate positive stories.

Hugs
 

Femke

Well-Known Member
#4
Thanks you both. For the uplifting words, the prayers, the understanding. That helps.

I couldnt get therapy because here, with psychosis, it is real hard to get anything but medication. I did get 2 weeks of emdr and i have a nurse who talks deeper about things now, though she is not a therapist. But for years and years they refused to see there was trauma underneath and treat that. It is how our mental health system works.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#5
Hi, I’m sorry to hear of your situation and backstory. I fear you are being a little bit too hard on yourself. And in some cases, or instances, overdoing—or overstating what you have done wrong. (Not that you don’t feel that way of course, but just because we thing something deep from within, that doesn’t automatically make it 100% right!) ;)
Can you find therapy online? I honestly don’t know the answer, but if it is a problem locally, due to diagnosis-(which sounds or seems absurd, especially given the history of abuse)... then maybe that is one option? As I do agree with you that that might help (alleviate some of all this; as well as to better see and understand your situation from an objective- or outsiders point of view; as opposed to subjective/insiders). :)
 

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