• Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin

Suicide for others

Femke

Well-Known Member
#1
I am mentally ill, i suffer from complex ptsd and psychosis (and probably attachment disorder). I feel this was for a big part caused by my own bad choices in life. The father of my son was sociopathic, among other things, and defending my son against him for years (and against CPS, ironically, who literally said sociopaths can make good dads too) broke me. Such that i cant care for myself and my son, even years later. Son is safe and well though. There have been some troubling things in my childhood too, some sexual and emotional abuse. But for the biggest part it was my impulsivity and repeated bad partner choice, not seeing through abuse and manipulation, that destroyed everything.

Overall, i am an evil person. My family suffered deeply because of me. My mum died of cancer and i fear stress over me and my anger at her made her ill. My son basicly grew up with no dad (thank God) and a wreck of a mum, and his grandparents. One of which i took from him now.

I want to protect the people i love. I contemplate suicide to protect others, so they arent burdened by me any longer. I begged for therapy for 9 years, didnt get it and gave up. I dont think i can recover, i just cant live with myself any more, i hate myself basicly.

Im also scared of being demon possessed, which in some of the churches i visited is seen as the cause of psychosis. I fear punishment after death. And i fear "contaminating" others with this.

I just dont really know what to do. :'( I really wish i could be a good person with a good influence on others. I just dont think i can be one anymore.

Help.

And sorry for being so negative...
 
Last edited:

mors321

SF Supporter
#2
Hi femke

It sounds like you’ve been through an incredibly painful and unfortunate series of events and I’m really sorry for that.

From what you’ve said her you are in absolutely no way an evil person. You protected your son, who is now safe and well, as you have said. You obviously care about your family and those around you and that alone is evidence that you a kind and caring person. You want what is best for your loved ones and that is the mark of a good person. It can be so hard to see that through the selfhate, but I guarantee those close to you see you as a positive influence in their lives and someone who they value and want to keep alive. From the sounds of it you have been the best parent possible in the circumstances and you should be proud of yourself for it.

Also I don’t think you should be worried about being demon possessed. I personally don’t beleive in such things, and I think that nothing related to mental health can be traced back to such things, and in believing such a thing can only negatively contribute to your self image.

I am sending all my prayers and good vibes to you ❤️
 
#3
I don't think you necessarily were a contributing factor to your mother's death. I don't see it as being remotely like that she would have not gotten cancer if you hadn't been around.

I begged for therapy for 9 years, didnt get it and gave up
Do you want to say why you couldn't get therapy?
And sorry for being so negative...
It's ok to say whatever you really feel. No one is going to read threads on SF if they can only tolerate positive stories.

Hugs
 

Femke

Well-Known Member
#4
Thanks you both. For the uplifting words, the prayers, the understanding. That helps.

I couldnt get therapy because here, with psychosis, it is real hard to get anything but medication. I did get 2 weeks of emdr and i have a nurse who talks deeper about things now, though she is not a therapist. But for years and years they refused to see there was trauma underneath and treat that. It is how our mental health system works.
 

MisterBGone

Better Ingredients… ~*/•> ____.(^; dah da daa
SF Supporter
#5
Hi, I’m sorry to hear of your situation and backstory. I fear you are being a little bit too hard on yourself. And in some cases, or instances, overdoing—or overstating what you have done wrong. (Not that you don’t feel that way of course, but just because we thing something deep from within, that doesn’t automatically make it 100% right!) ;)
Can you find therapy online? I honestly don’t know the answer, but if it is a problem locally, due to diagnosis-(which sounds or seems absurd, especially given the history of abuse)... then maybe that is one option? As I do agree with you that that might help (alleviate some of all this; as well as to better see and understand your situation from an objective- or outsiders point of view; as opposed to subjective/insiders). :)
 

Femke

Well-Known Member
#7
Thanks.

I am from Europe. Would be a little scared to name the country.

I made an appointment with the GP to see if there is any way to get help. Maybe online would be an option too.

Im still struggling, went through loads of difficult emotions last weeks. Sorry for not replying sooner. Last days im no longer suicidal, things just hurt badly. Thanks so much for the help...
 
#8
Thanks so much for the help...
You're welcome!
I am from Europe. Would be a little scared to name the country.
That's ok. This link has a directory of international suicide resources.
https://www.befrienders.org/directory\

There might be a hotline that could advise you.

Maybe you'd like to consider some alternative or self-treatment methods. These links have some information.

Chinese Herbal Medicine and Acupuncture, World's Second Largest Medical System

Self-Treatment and Miscellaneous

Sorry for not replying sooner
That's ok. You can reply to a thread whenever you want to, or even not reply at all if you don't want to. The purpose of SF is to help, so it's ok to use the forums in any way that helps.

things just hurt badly
Sorry that things are still bad.
Last days im no longer suicidal
That's good :)

Do you know what made the difference?

I hope things can get better soon

Hugs
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#9
Overall, i am an evil person. My family suffered deeply because of me. My mum died of cancer and i fear stress over me and my anger at her made her ill. My son basicly grew up with no dad (thank God) and a wreck of a mum, and his grandparents. One of which i took from him now.
You are not an evil person, but the victim of abuse. It often happens that whole families are hurt and damaged when one of them becomes trapped by a ruthless manipulator and abuser. Your mother felt powerless to help you because you were made to feel weak and powerless, as usually happens with abuse victims. It's terrible you've not been able to access therapy when you have PTSD, and you should not be suffering like this from a lack of care.
I want to protect the people i love. I contemplate suicide to protect others, so they arent burdened by me any longer
I doubt people feel burdened by you, just powerless on their own to take away your pain and fear, and afraid for you. None of it is your fault.
I dont think i can recover, i just cant live with myself any more, i hate myself basicly.
When you are able to process and heal from the trauma with professional help and other supports, the self hatred will go away. Do you think your family would be able to help you with the cost?
Im also scared of being demon possessed, which in some of the churches i visited is seen as the cause of psychosis. I fear punishment after death. And i fear "contaminating" others with this.
I'm certain you're not possessed by a demon , but you are in a lot of pain. What you've been through, all the pain and fear of it, would drive most people to despair and hopelessness. Please believe the hurt can be healed and that here you will find understanding and compassion. Maybe you should find a different church as well. There's nothing wrong with you that some loving kindness can't help. We are here whenever you want to talk some more and will never judge you. You are safe here *hug
 
Last edited:

Femke

Well-Known Member
#10
Thanks for the kind words, you both. I will try to read them a few times. I think indeed my whole family suffered because of this and because of me nothing getting adequate help.

I think one thing that is different is the time of the month, i always have issues with my cycle. I also sometimes do find a bit of strength in faith. Had a few good helpful conversations. Still pretty deeply depressed, but hope this will be better one day.

My mum dying has been tough and i am angry at her and myself at times. <mod edit due to OP request> :( And i hurt her a lot in my blind paranoia especially. I wish i had been capable of healing our relationship.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
#12
I wish i had been capable of healing our relationship
A lot of people have bad relationships with parents. Yes, it would be nice if problems in the relationship had been worked out, but it takes both parties working on that, and even then, it wouldn't necessarily mean that things could be fixed. Please don't torment yourself about this.

Hugs
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$260.00
Goal
$255.00
Top