I am mentally ill, i suffer from complex ptsd and psychosis (and probably attachment disorder). I feel this was for a big part caused by my own bad choices in life. The father of my son was sociopathic, among other things, and defending my son against him for years (and against CPS, ironically, who literally said sociopaths can make good dads too) broke me. Such that i cant care for myself and my son, even years later. Son is safe and well though. There have been some troubling things in my childhood too, some sexual and emotional abuse. But for the biggest part it was my impulsivity and repeated bad partner choice, not seeing through abuse and manipulation, that destroyed everything.
Overall, i am an evil person. My family suffered deeply because of me. My mum died of cancer and i fear stress over me and my anger at her made her ill. My son basicly grew up with no dad (thank God) and a wreck of a mum, and his grandparents. One of which i took from him now.
I want to protect the people i love. I contemplate suicide to protect others, so they arent burdened by me any longer. I begged for therapy for 9 years, didnt get it and gave up. I dont think i can recover, i just cant live with myself any more, i hate myself basicly.
Im also scared of being demon possessed, which in some of the churches i visited is seen as the cause of psychosis. I fear punishment after death. And i fear "contaminating" others with this.
I just dont really know what to do. :'( I really wish i could be a good person with a good influence on others. I just dont think i can be one anymore.
Help.
And sorry for being so negative...
Overall, i am an evil person. My family suffered deeply because of me. My mum died of cancer and i fear stress over me and my anger at her made her ill. My son basicly grew up with no dad (thank God) and a wreck of a mum, and his grandparents. One of which i took from him now.
I want to protect the people i love. I contemplate suicide to protect others, so they arent burdened by me any longer. I begged for therapy for 9 years, didnt get it and gave up. I dont think i can recover, i just cant live with myself any more, i hate myself basicly.
Im also scared of being demon possessed, which in some of the churches i visited is seen as the cause of psychosis. I fear punishment after death. And i fear "contaminating" others with this.
I just dont really know what to do. :'( I really wish i could be a good person with a good influence on others. I just dont think i can be one anymore.
Help.
And sorry for being so negative...
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