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Suicide for philosophical reasons

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JFM, Jan 19, 2009.

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  1. JFM

    JFM Member

    Don't get me wrong: i've had a bad ride, and life circumstances have turned me into a cynical person who is incapable of having interest in anything.
    My life is not what I wished for when I was younger, but it's not bad to "hold on to"...I'm in my third year of college, getting a law degree, i have a few circles of friends, and i take pleasure in small things.
    But...Lately, for about a year now, i have been feeling exhausted and tired....I can't go on, i'm bored with life...It seems so predictable and useless that i have been planning killing myself simply because I believe life has no inherent value and nothing amuses me any more. I feel insane everyday. Even in the summer, after exams are over and friends are around, i feel empty and tempted to just go away. I feel selfish, because I'm aware of the pain i would cause everyone around me, and how I would poison everything for everyone remotely close to me.
    However, it's just unbearable: i used to survive on "long-term projects", but now I can no longer...Long-term seems pointless and dull, i feel like i've lived a whole lifetime in my youth - oh yes, the high school years...They were fun, because I didn't think about the possible future, just the "far away land of opportunities" that growing up seemed to be . No I see what that land id really like: a myth, that crushes the sunny hope of youth and trades it for the rainy day of denial and fear.
    I abused alcohol last year, drinking heavily three times a week...I've since quit, thinking that was the cause of my "existential angst" if you want to call it that, but it wasn't...
    I've been a smoker since I was 15...For years I smoked only 10 cigarettes a day, but now, for the past 3 months, I've been smoking two packs a day, depressed...Throughout the day, I can only think about going to bed again, and I cry and despair out of nothing.
    I've developed a long list of "pet hates" and I've come to the conclusion that I actually might hate existing.
    I know I may sound like a self-loathing cynical piece of shit, feeling sorry for myself for no reason, and that, compared to many people, I don't really seem to have major issues going on...But I feel empty, suffocated by this chronic claustrophobic feeling, tired of doing the same things and experiencing the same thrills every fucking day...I guess I might be depressed...Who the hell cares?
    Well, I've made up my mind: i'm going away, maybe to nowhere, according to atheists, maybe to somewhere where there is no need for "ups and downs", no responsibilities, no "feeling empty inside", no suicidal ideation...Maybe i'm going away to an eternal summer, where every day is a sunny youth.

    I don't know...I have tried to fight this feeling, but it's getting out of hand...Last night I took my car and wandered around town for no reason at all, and just felt pathetic...
  2. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    Life is what u make out of it. when everything bores you, life becomes monotonous. sometimes life is like that. everybody goes through such phase. why not help others out instead of committing suicide? think of how u can make your loved ones happy. Live for them as much as you hate ur life. At this JUNCTURE, your life is boring but who knows it may be exciting after you pass through this phase?
  3. greeneyes7

    greeneyes7 New Member

    oh my god i totally know what you mean. i feel exactly the same, i dont see why suicide can be take as a rational thought. i don't what to be selfish either but the pain of life is just so horrific i really don't see the point. im tierd of being fake, putting on my mask everyday and trying to fit in when if im honest i feel different. life is so mundane and routine even thing which should make me happy doesnt (im not depressed but i have some kinda personality disorder) im feed up of just being and its boring me to death-quite litterlly! i totally relate to you there doesnt seem to many people which understand this!!
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Maybe you need a career change JFM. I mean, you can earn a lot of money being a lawyer, but I guess it's really not that satisfying at the end of the day.
  5. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    People become depressed for all sorts of reasons both conscious and unconscious. The big issue then becomes the depression itself. Are you getting any help for this? Maybe time out and some travelling would help. See a bit more of the world. There are some great interesting places around. Best wishes.
  6. Vorpal

    Vorpal Member


    I feel the same as you. What troubles me is whether what you describe are the symptoms of dysthymia, of clinical depression, of disorder; or whether they're simply traits endogenous to a certain type of personality. If it were the former, some people (particularly here...) would say it's fixable; it it's the latter, that feels less fixable to me. I believe that personality is fixed, not fixable. We experience the world not as it is, but as we are.

  7. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    As far as existential angst goes, I too share your problem, and yes, it gets me down. Sometimes it gets me to the point where I feel I am losing my mind.
    Every choice, every behaviour, every moral has a good counter argument and it feels as if you cannot figure out the 'right' course of action. There is no objective right or wrong. I feel as if this is the nature of life though, a subjective view, a subjective experience and a subjective existence.

    The way I get around it is to zoom out, in my minds eye, to take an imaginitive birds eye look on the world, on people buzzing around, on me, and realise the stupidity of it. Then I melt into a carefree zombie who just types, eats, sleeps and observes, until the next crisis, which, always passes.

    I know everything is fake, including most people. I know society rewards extrovertism but sometimes I feel as if this extrovertism is people faking it due to their own fear of lonliness or not belonging. Personally that would paradoxically serve to make me feel lonelier so instead I revel in introvertism. Introverts have great depth, knowledge, sincerity and focus and this one fact alone gives life a richness. Introverts are noted for their resolve and wisdom.

    You sound introverted, and in my opinion, that is worthy of reward over extrovertism. Obviously long term is not for you. Had you considered a more free spirited lifestyle? One word of advice though, if you're in your last year, stick it out. You may regret it later on.
  8. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I've been where you're at.
    All I can say is to try and take a new direction with your life. You say you even hate existing. Try something completely new. Get rid of anything in your life that you don't need. I don't know I'm just throwing out suggestions. I'm kind of still stuck in hating existence but I've caught glimpses of the next step and things look scary but bright :heart:.
  9. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    You just need a change of pace. Doing the same shit everyday can get tiring. I haven't been depressed since I got out of school.
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