I just called the suicide hotline. I don't know if it helped. The lady was nice. It hasn't changed my feelings on having an "accident" to end it all an let people go on thinking something just "happened" to me. But it consumes my thoughts. Being gone so everyone else can move on. Not have me as dead weight. I love Heidi so much I'd give up my life so hers was better. I don't know that she knows that. I've treated others so poorly over my life. I've hidden my true, dark, depression for so long. Just so others wouldn't worry so much. My life has been so without point. A life of pipe dreams, failed ideas, lazy video game playing and in a weird way hard labor because it was the easy way out. If that makes sense. I have nothing real to show for any if it. A bank account balance that says $0. A broken body. A broken mind. I don't know how to truly be happy. I know how I feel when I buy something. When I sell something and make a quick buck. But that's fleeting. Its not real. Real is how Heidi feels about me. About things in her life. My life is defined by what I have, what I can do, how much better I am than the guy next to me, above me. I don't know how to define it any other way. I poison my body with chemicals just in an attempt to feel normal. Again. Fleeting. The only way out is "out" I don't want to cause any more suffering. People would get over an accident. It would be expected in my line of of work. Of course there'd be sadness, but it'd be over. People would move on. I'm not that important. Maybe Heidi would find someone on her level. Someone that would be her equal, not her anchor. So, another sleepless night. Another night to think about escaping these earthly bonds and letting everyone move on. All I have is failure. And it's my own fault. Life isn't fair. Nothing was handed to me. I did what I could and made terrible decisions.