Suicide Hotline

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nothinman81, Mar 27, 2015.

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  1. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    I just called the suicide hotline. I don't know if it helped. The lady was nice. It hasn't changed my feelings on having an "accident" to end it all an let people go on thinking something just "happened" to me.

    But it consumes my thoughts. Being gone so everyone else can move on. Not have me as dead weight.

    I love Heidi so much I'd give up my life so hers was better. I don't know that she knows that. I've treated others so poorly over my life. I've hidden my true, dark, depression for so long. Just so others wouldn't worry so much.

    My life has been so without point. A life of pipe dreams, failed ideas, lazy video game playing and in a weird way hard labor because it was the easy way out. If that makes sense.

    I have nothing real to show for any if it. A bank account balance that says $0. A broken body. A broken mind.

    I don't know how to truly be happy. I know how I feel when I buy something. When I sell something and make a quick buck. But that's fleeting. Its not real.

    Real is how Heidi feels about me. About things in her life. My life is defined by what I have, what I can do, how much better I am than the guy next to me, above me. I don't know how to define it any other way.

    I poison my body with chemicals just in an attempt to feel normal. Again. Fleeting.

    The only way out is "out"

    I don't want to cause any more suffering. People would get over an accident. It would be expected in my line of of work.

    Of course there'd be sadness, but it'd be over. People would move on. I'm not that important. Maybe Heidi would find someone on her level. Someone that would be her equal, not her anchor.

    So, another sleepless night. Another night to think about escaping these earthly bonds and letting everyone move on.

    All I have is failure. And it's my own fault. Life isn't fair. Nothing was handed to me. I did what I could and made terrible decisions.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No one moves on from losing someone accident or not no one moves on a dark hole is left in ones soul
  3. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Seeker

    I poison my body with chemicals just in an attempt to feel normal.
    It sound like you have a problem with substance abuse. Before you do anything consider going to AA or NA. Substance abuse destroys your brain chemistry and will make you have very dark thoughts, any underlying depression also gets amplified tenfold.
  4. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    I was forced to have surgery on my leg and ankle last Tuesday.

    Initially, I was terrified to have it done. Then, in a moment of clarity I really didn't care. I prayed the night before that something would go wrong, and I just wouldn't wake up. Unfortunately I did. And I've become an even greater burden. I can't walk, and won't be able to again for at least 2 months.

    I woke up in terrible pain. Due to what I assume is my addiction and tolerance to pain meds, no matter what they gave me, nothing helped.
    They've increased my prescription and type of medication. I'm still in terrible pain. I manage somewhat by taking more than what was given me and buying/bumming from people.

    So, I haven't physically been well enough to really be online. I think some of this is starting to take its toll on my wife. Maybe she'll finally see me for what I truly am.

    Things go wrong in hospitals all the time. I just didn't want to wake up.
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