"Suicide is a way of telling God you can't fire me I quit"-Bill Maher

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dixie, Jun 27, 2008.

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  1. dixie

    dixie New Member

    Ok so here is the deal and I am going to try and make this as short as possible. In fact I am just going to make a list as opposed to going into extreme detail about everything.
    Here goes:
    1.For some reason I can't get a job and it has been two months I am down to applying to fast food resturants and I am 24 year old who used to manage one of the busiest bars in the city. I don't get it.
    2. I have been so poor lately I have gone to selling myself. Not on street corners but by going through craigslist and finding men willing to pay for sex. Which turns out to be harder than you think because...
    3.I am fat and that actually doesnt bother me THAT much ony when people use it as their basis to judge my entire being. (I actually think I am rather pretty though)
    4. I am still living at home because for some reason I can't settle down
    5. I finally stopped using drugs but it is all I EVER want to do and I have been clean off of coke and heroin for a year ( I still drink but socially)
    6.I have histrionic personality disorder and EVErY symptom that goes along with it.
    7. My mom and i cant be in the same room without wanting to kill each other and she has schizophrenia
    8. No one has ever loved me in a non plutonic way. I have only ever had 3 boyfriends 2 for 1 month 1 for 6months and other than that no one is interested or ever has been.
    9. I am however the girl ever guy wants to make the other woman
    10. I have slept around so much its a miracle I am clean (71 people and counting and that is since I was 20)
    11. I mess everything up that I touch.
    12. I am too trusting and so eager to be loved I always get hurt (see symptoms of histrionic disorder)
    I dunno i could go on and on but we can start with these I suppose. I think about suicide CONSTANTLY about 49503948592834 times a day. It seems like the only thing i have that could fix everything all at once and put some power back into my hands. Plus a girl I knew from school elementary and all the way up just committed suicide if she can do it why can't i?
  2. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    My first impression from the things you said was: "Shes hopeless..."
    But then i did what i alway do, i ask myself why i think that way..

    You said you cant find a job and that you have problems with income:
    well many people have this problems, from many resons.
    to get a job, even a simple one, you have to look represantive
    maybe you just dont have the right look, wasnt dreesed properly or something..
    Maybe you have tired look, i dont know, but such things can do problems.

    In any case, dont sell yourself, it dosnt worth it!
    Its great that you stoped using drugs, im glad for you :hug:

    And about your relations, im 23 and my longest relation was 2 weeks...

    And one last thing, about your sexual expiriance
    remember this thing: If no one knows it, it dost excist!
    which means that as for me i do know it now which results in me beeing a bit angry on you
    but all the others thay dont know it, and that can give you the oprtunity
    to controll your own "self" toward others and the way thay see you.

  3. Those two paragraphs were rather insultive. To tell her that she might not have "the right look", is really shallow criticism. Maybe you ought to give some thought about the possibility that she isn't being well treated by wherever she has looked. Perhaps she is not the person to blame. So, you shouldn't judge her.

    Also, don't judge her sexual history. It is her life and from reading about it, she hasn't done harm to those people. Anyways, she seems to be able to make her own decisions and she ought to have some support.
  4. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    I dont judje her at all!
    And i didnt said that there is problem whith the way she looks!
    I said that there could be a problem whith her representive look when
    she comes to the place of work. Its well knows that when people come
    to a place to look for job, thay must have a represantive look
    espacialy when the job is around people.

    About her sexual history i dont have any problem with that also!
    I said that if she will tell that to everyone like she did her in this post
    it will make her look bad! She can do whatever she like but i presonaly think
    that such things as her sexual life is better to stay unknow to others
    its her personal life... Remember... guys dont like girls that had sex with half of the god damn town...
    So it better to hide it if she want to find a good partner, am i wrong?
  5. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Come on you guys. She's looking for helpful responses. Not arguments.

    For my part, I can tell Dixie that I think she can make it. It might take time and yes, life hurts at times. I don't think, however, that she is hopeless. Dixie, as a man myself, I can tell you that being heavier isn't necessarily always a turnoff. Some men like it. I guess you know that but it doesn't have to be such a huge strike against you.

    My mother was slim when my mom and dad met. She's gained a lot of weight over the years but my dad still loves her 35 years later. I know it sounds stupid and everybody says this but you only need to find the right man. I wouldn't say don't have sex but really. Why bother with the guys who only want sex from you? If that isn't what you want, you have every right to demand better.

    As far as employment. Well, it can be difficult for some people to get meaningful employment for some reason. I have no idea. I remember once when I was younger, I put in a whole bunch of applications and got one call. I went to the interview but never heard from them.

    It might pay to pester them a bit if they don't call you after a reasonable amount of time. Sometimes they're just a little iffy as to whether to interview someone or not or they decide to hire someone else. That person might not work out. If there's one way to get some kind of reaction out of a business, it's to be persistent. Maybe just pick one particular job you were really interested in and give them a call. Tell them you put in an application and you'd really like an interview. It's a lot harder to say no to a person than it is to just ignore a piece of paper.

    Also, if you don't get a call from employers you're really interested in within a reasonable time and for some reason, you can't get anybody on the phone, it won't hurt to put in addictional applications. The more you have in there, the harder it will be for them to ignore you.

    Nobody likes to be pushy but sometimes it's the only way to get results. You really have nothing to lose. They can't do anything about it but say no.

    Another tip you might try. Often, employers pay more attention to an application if they see the person is already employed than they do if they see that you're unemployed. It isn't fair and they shouldn't but they do. Even if the job is a crappy one, it just looks better on an application. So you might start out with a crap job and then put in some applications for some jobs you really want. This does a couple of things. It shows them that you're able to work and be dependable. And it also gets rid of the image they might have of someone who's desperate for a job. Even if you are, they don't have to know that and it can't do you any good for them to think that.

    If you manage to get an interview, just relax and use common sense. Just don't tell them anything they don't need to know or you think won't help you. Don't oversell yourself but don't amplify your faults either. They aren't mind readers and it isn't hard to figure out what they want to hear. There's lots of good info online for doing good interviews. They're smart and savvy but there are plenty of things you can do to improve your odds.

    I hope at least something here can be of some help. Life can suck but it doesn't have to be terrible. I see that you have a couple of major things that are getting you down. You might be surprised how much better you feel and how much better your outlook can be once you get some of those barriers out of your way. I'm thinking just getting yourself a job you can live with would probably be a load off your shoulders.
  6. dixie

    dixie New Member

    Ok let me lay some of this stuff to rest. I ALWAYS look presentable when going out in public. I have the appropriate attire for job interviews. The thing about it is I have never had an issue with getting a job before. I have a very impressive resume. I NEVER tell them I am unemployed. In fact on my resume there is a "self employed" section which covers all times of unemployment. (whether that is what I was actually doing or not) I am very friendly, and it used to be that I would go in for a job and I WAS the one who caused them not to call anyone back.
    I don't know what has changed. I know that bartending jobs are harder to get downtown b/c they either want Skinny and pretty girls or they want the GOTH types.
    As I said before my weight doesn't really bother me as much as it bothers everyone else.
    I think i'm rather pretty actually and considering.
    I know I have good qualities and I know I am talented, but what does all that matter if there is nothing to show for it?
  7. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Dixie -

    Well, first of all, it's good that you know you have good qualities. Because what you think of yourself (believe it or not) is far more important than what other people think. In fact, if other people see that you hold yourself in high regard, they're more likely to see you in a positive light as well. But what is important is not to let other people get you down if they say mean or nasty things about you. Who cares what those people think? Pardon my French but they're assholes. I know I don't care what assholes think of me.

    The reason I said it is better if you can put that you're currently employed on an application is simple. Every time I've ever put unemployed or self employed on an application, I never heard a thing from them.

    The problem with putting self employed on there is this. First of all, they see it a lot. Next, it doesn't really tell them a lot about what kind of employee you are. People who are self employed set their own schedule. They're looking for someone to fill a rigid schedule and they want someone they know will show up, be on time and won't always be calling in sick. Even if you wouldn't do that, you'll never get the chance to tell them that or prove it if you don't get your foot in the door.

    As to what has changed? Well, there are times when the job market slows down. I'm not really sure why but sometimes, even when they say they're hiring, it can be a nightmare to try and find a job. They may be looking for a very specific type of person and even if you're qualified, you still may not get in.

    As to them changing to wanting skinny girls or goth girls for bartending. Well, that is hard to get around but not entirely impossible if you still want to do it. It will just take more effort to get in. But there are always other things you can do where people won't judge you by your appearance. Bars are kind of like that because they cater to younger customers who often think that because it takes no effort for them to be thin, it's the same for everyone. Younger folks can simply be harsh and mean.

    Have you thought of being a CNA or something? They don't make a lot of money but they're always in demand and it doesn't take a lot of school to get the training you need. The important thing is that you're willing to work. My problem is that I'm lazy and I hate working. I know I could do so much better if I only wanted to work. Employers avoid people like me for good reason. They know sooner or later, I'll get sick of getting up at the crack of dawn and going to work at a job I hate. There's really no good reason why they should avoid someone like you who wants to work.

    Is it possible that someone from one of your old jobs is badmouthing you when employers call for a reference? You'd be amazed at how much damage just one person who doesn't like you can do.

    Anyway, what you have to keep in mind is competition. The business world is an ugly place where everything is a matter of numbers and trampling everyone else on the way to the top. But you don't absolutely have to play that game. Just figure out what you can live with. Don't look for lofty positions or have unrealistic expectations and you might be surprised where you can go once you get in.

    As far as the issue with you being too trusting. The simple fact of the matter is that it never pays to be too trusting of anyone. Just always keep it in mind. It may be a bit of a compulsion for you to do so but I learned fast in my life not to trust anyone. But I didn't learn it before I had to learn why.

    Wanting people to like you? That's natural. Everybody (and I mean everybody) wants to be liked (and loved). It's just a natural human trait.

    Many people fight hard in life and have relatively little to show for it. It just takes time for some people. It doesn't make you a lesser person. It's tempting to be frustrated and depressed and defeated. Almost everyone goes through periods where they just don't see the point anymore. Life can be rewarding if you just don't expect too much too soon. It may not all come at one time. It may come in small doses. Maybe you'll work hard all week and hate every minute of it and on the weekend, someday when you least expect it, you'll meet someone who'll completely change your life.

    Think it can't happen? It does. Every day. People put up with a lot of shit just for the abbreviated little moments of joy and pleasure that come out of nowhere and somehow, make it all worth it. As sad and depressed and disgusted as I am, there are still moments when I'm just happy to be alive.

    I'll be 35 in a few months. When I was 24, I was pretty much where you are now. Nobody wanted to hire me. Only one person had ever really loved me in a romantic sense. I didn't have a job and had only had 2 jobs. I had no friends and no life.

    Where am I at now? Well, I can't say I'm a whole lot better off. But what has changed is my perception of the world around me and my outlook. I'm still pretty depressed but I understand why. I know there are things I could do to change it. I've had ten years to think about it. And I'm thinking. I was very tempted to just end it when I was your age. Seriously. I felt I had nothing to live for.

    In the years since, I can't say my life has been a spectacular success. In fact, if you put it on the scale that many people would judge a person's life by, it's been a spectacular failure. But you know what? Somehow, some way, I wasn't miserable in that time even if perhaps I should have been.

    What did I do? I learned to appreciate myself. I may not mean jack to anyone else but that doesn't have to mean anything and to me, it doesn't. I do still have days when I hate myself and my life and everybody else. But there is a whole world to explore within your own mind. You could spend eternity getting to know yourself and you know what? That is the key to knowing everyone else. People are not as mysterious when you really know yourself. We're all different and yet we're all the same on a very basic level.

    And you know something else? The meaning of life and what makes it worth living is learning. I banged my head against obstacles for years and got nowhere. It wasn't until I just relaxed and started to observe the world that I realized why.

    Every individual on this planet is important. Every single person has an entire world of their own. They have their own ways, idiosyncrasies and personality. They see the world entirely different from everyone else. You see things that only you can see. Life is beautiful. Even when it is hard and seems pointless. Maybe it is. What is the point of a blue sky? I don't know. But I can't stop looking at it and thinking how beautiful it is. Something doesn't have to have a reason in order to be appreciated.

    We're here for such a short time. I know it's hard to appreciate that when you're 24 but believe me. The older you get, the faster the time goes. My grandmother always used to tell me that and I always wondered what she was talking about. At my age, time seemed to drag and I hated it. Last few years, I could swear things are accelerating. A short period of bad times, hard times and/or depression can seem like an eternity when you're young. And it can really suck to keep pushing on and have to live with it. But think about this. You are at a moment and a time in your life that will never come again. It should be enjoyed for what it is while you can.

    What have I done? I've made a life for myself. It wouldn't appeal to most people but it is distinctly mine. I found hobbies and interests that I can spend my time on and I don't miss having other people around. Seriously. The most important thing you can do for yourself as soon as you possibly can is to find something you enjoy. Whether it be reading or music or wine or movies. Anything at all. The world is a fascinating place and there are many more things to do than any person could ever do in a lifetime. Just having a single hobby that you love can be so rich and so rewarding. And the nice thing about most hobbies is that there's always an economical entry point and you can nearly always take them as far as you want to go. Hobbies can be expensive. Which is nice because it will give you something to fight for. A reason to want a better job. You know. There are doctors who spend tens of thousands of dollars on audio equipment and CDs/records (audiophilia is notoriously expensive and richly rewarding if you can get into it). Don't wait for life to happen. Make it happen.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2008
  8. dixie

    dixie New Member

    I am in 2 bands as the lead singer in both. Hobbies arent a problem lol. I do tons more stuff than most people do, and I volunteer. The problem is that everything seems so meaningless and with all the money problems it makes it hard.
  9. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    with the exception of a few details you sound like me.
  10. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Sorry if I'm not being very helpful. It's just that I don't know you so I'm just going to where I think the most likely places for problems might be.

    Yes. Money problems can be a real PITA. Obviously, there's nothing I can say that will make those problems go away. All I can say is (and I know it seems useless and stupid to say it) one day at a time. Sometimes that's all you can really do.

    Of course, I would ask you if you enjoy the things you do? For instance, the volunteering. Does it give you a sense of satisfaction?
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