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Suicide is my destiny

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pooky, Mar 13, 2013.

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  1. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    I am a 25 yr old man.I am schizophrenic for 8 yrs. I will kill myself very soon.I have several reasons for doing so.

    1. I don't have a job. I have tried to get a job but failed at it.

    I have given around 3-4 interviews but did not get any call from them.

    2. My family is in massive debt because of me.I got admission to an elite college where the fees is very high but after going for a month I couldn't continue my study.I was bullied not only by peers but also by some teachers.So, I just stopped going there.

    Let me be more clear. My father has paid 4 lakh Indian rupee to that college for a course of 2 yrs .I attended the college for a month and during that time I was bullied/emotionally and mentally abused by peers and a couple of senior teachers.(I know why they behaved like that - I am super introvert,i am extremely good natured,i am kind...)They psychologically harassed me.

    3. This is the most painful. I am heart broken. The girl whom I love has left me for someone else.

    I love this girl with all my heart.We were in a relationship for a year but for the past one and a half months she did not speak to me. Today she told me that she is in a relationship with someone else and she also said that I should die.(I know why she did that - I don't have a job.That guy has one.I am mentally ill. He isn't.)

    I will end myself within this month. I am such a burden.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Pooky...I dont understand the standards...you are a good person and was treated awfully at college...why are you the one that as wrong? And sorry about your ex...she clearly was not a loss if she could say that to you...who does that??? I am glad you posted and please continue to do so...there are people here who truly cares
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Firstly, in the current economic climate, jobs themselves aren't the easiest to come by. To only go through 3-4 interviews isn't really going to give you a lot to work with. There are people out there that have many more interviews than that before they get somewhere, so i would recommend that you keep trying.

    Secondly, any person who says anything like what your ex said to you, in my opinion, is not worth wasting time/tears on. Life is short enough as it is - in the grand scheme of history, and she just proved why you are actually better off without her.

    Thirdly, and this may sound a little insensitive, forgive me if it does, but many formats of bullying are all too commonplace these days. It doesn't make it right, but some of how it affects you is down to how much you let it do so. After 28 years of verbal abuse from my two older brothers, I might have an idea as to how to approach thinking about it. Peer bullying? It's their opinion, they have nothing better to do, and if its not true then laugh at their failed attempts to make a mockery of you. The staff side of things, I would have them reported but maybe write down what was said, who by, the time/date, and talk it through with your father. I'm quietly confident that he would not appreciate his son being treated so badly.

    Your life is your choices. Don't let how others are control what you do.
  4. D1979

    D1979 Active Member

    Pooky, I would NOT kill yourself at all if I was you. Do not worry about not having a job at 25. When I was 25, I didn't have a job either. Although 25 may not feel young, you really are young bro, and you have your whole life ahead of you to get a job. Before I got my first real job, I thought getting up and going to work everyday would be so difficult, but it really is not that hard at all. And like the previous poster said, do not let 3-4 interviews discourage you. I went on about many, many more interviews than that before I landed my own job.

    I know that the college debt probably sucks too, but lots of people incur loads of debt going through college. I had a mountain of debt when I was in college. But that debt is temporary and can be paid back. And I'm sure that your parents paid your college tuition because they love you, and since they probably love you so much, it would make them very miserable if you did anything to harm yourself.

    That really sucks too how people were mean and rude to you in college; some people can just be real assholes. Are you into rock n roll music at all? I recently read about a musician named Andy Biersack who is the founder of a cool hard rock band called the Black Veil Brides. He was bullied and abused in high school yet he went on to become a great musician, sing for a very popular band, and get lots of beautiful women. A person's time spent in high school and college is just a very small time in a person's entire life, and I know of plenty of people who had been teased in high school or college yet went on to achieve big and great things in life. I'm sure that you can do the same.

    You seem like a very nice and caring person and that's why you should never kill yourself. The world needs more people like you and NOT those idiots who you teased you at school. I agree with the other posters too when it comes to what your ex-girlfriend said to you. It broke my heart when I read that. Any women who could say such a horrible thing is not even deserving of your kindness and love in the first place. There are so many women out there in this world (especially at your age) and I am sure that you will find a good one who will show you real kindness and love. Stay strong bro, we're all here for you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 13, 2013
  5. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Hi, read up on schizophrenia, and look into taking on the correct medication (sertaline and olanzapine, as a suggestion) Also look into taking antidepressants, as you are not getting any psychological and emotional support right now. Something to think about is suicide is normally the result of three characteristics: isolation, burdensomeness and meaninglessness. You are going through all three. At least try to understand that the latter two are projected social qualities that men especially are affected greatly by. These qualities don't have to define you.
    Generally people don't understand psychology and often isolate people who need support and understanding. It sounds like your culture is intolerant to those who need that support, I hope your family at any rate can at least support you with love and kindness.
    My friend just survive this crisis, learn about the root causes for suicide and schizophrenia, these will help you immeasurably. I wish you all the best.
  6. pooky

    pooky Living with A Beautiful Mind...

    There are plenty of other incidents that are affecting me in the subconscious level and some of them I can never erase from my memory.These are hardcore truths.

    1.At around the age of 5 or 6 I was in a physical relationship with my cousin sister.In short we committed incest.:grumpy: We did everything (unfortunately) such as touching each other’s intimate parts, exploring them .We did everything imaginable except intercourse.(I know I should be punished for this.100 percent my fault.No excuse)That thing lasted for around 7 to 9 months.Please, kill me for this sin.

    2.When I was 8 yrs old in the second standard and till tenth standard I was bullied to the most extreme by my peers.I was good at studies than most other people of my age ; also one of the best in sports.I used to paint,write poems and stories...Some of the peers used to hit me on my head repeatedly.I told them to stop but they wouldn’t listen.I used to come back home and cry.They used to steal my food and books.They even used to put blame on me by saying to the school teachers that I did drugs.

    Once to my shock it so happened that my bag was searched and three packets of drugs were found.:crushed:It happened when I was 11 in fifth standard (one of the hardest years of my life).I knew who kept those drugs in my bag because just that previous day I saw two kids who used to study in my class using them.

    I told my class teacher that it was those two who kept those illegal things in my bag during the lunch but since those things were found in my bag I was kaned multiple times on my butt , had my parents called, and nearly suspended only to be saved by my parents who told that I even didn’t know what those things were and that I can’t do those things.

    During my eighth standard something similar happened.I was called a thief by a peer .The teacher told that three bags could be searched .Unfortunately my bag was also searched and thankfully nobody went to that extent of keeping stolen things in my school bag.(I was immensely upset , I could not control myself...I started crying in the class)

    (I guess that I was being punished for my sins committed at the age of six)

    During the start of ninth standard at age 15 I had chicken pox, had my right hand broken while playing and had to take glasses due to eye problems all within a period of 2 months.(No big deal because the worst of anyone’s life is yet to come to me)During that period I was bullied for two years to such an extreme that I had to leave everything ...I was very weak then .I was bullied because I was looking extremely ugly then due to the chicken pox marks.Some of them used to hit me hard on my right hand when I said my right arm was broken and it was just recovering.They actually laughed at me.I was extremely bullied by the whole class .

    I remember unfortunately during the ninth and tenth standard ,out of around sixty peers at least fifty of them used to bully me at the same time.They used to hit me, speak trash about my family and me,called me names such as cockeyed,abnormal,freak,s.o.b.),speak lies about me to the faculty and even forced me to fight them for they crossed the limit when they spoke about my family.I was thrown out of my basketball team, started failing at subjects for the first time, lost all confident and one day the unexpected happened.I snapped.

    3. When school leaving examination started (at standard ten , at sixteen yrs of age),I was emotionally,mentally, and psychologically drenched to such an extend that I began having hallucinations and delusions.My nerves were paining,I was seeing and hearing things that were not there.I was having weird delusions especially erotomania.Those constant thoughts of pain and sadness that I encountered during my school years were not leaving my mind , no matter how hard and different I try to leave that acute pain of sadness,loneliness and sorrow but I just gave up.:Cry:

    During the first week of march,2005, I just did not bother to live anymore.At midnight , when all were sleeping, I opened the gate, barefoot, carrying 30 bucks in my wallet just ran away from my home without thinking about my parents(sick of me).I was lost for three days – encountered all the bad things life had to offer me : from some evil people trying to kill me,to losing my money and all cloths and also not eating or drinking anything for more than 72 hours to encountering death and miraculously unharmed.

    Finally I returned home after three days and then sent to hospital where I finally got rest by my hands and legs tied by hospital staff and given sleeping injections.I was also in the news, unfortunately because of all this.

    I lost two yrs of my school due to all this.I was under heavy medication(taking 18-20 of them every day and they were steadily decreased.I now have to take only two.)

    In 2006, one day after returning from the doctor I was curious to know what happened t me.I saw the doc’s note: it was written “... is currently suffering from schizophrenia”.

    During that period I had some extreme psychic experiences(It happens due to some hormonal imbalance – fact) which further weakened my health.

    4.I was being home schooled.My father also bought a brand new car.Just for me.

    The lord of the heaven(God) thought that my grief was less so in 2008 in October took away my mother away from me.She used to fast every Saturday.She used to go to the temple so that I could recover soon. She did this for three years until one day she was diagnosed with liver cancer and passed away within a week.(Now deep down, I know it’s totally my fault.If I hadn’t ran away from my home, she wouldn’t have fasted and wouldn’t have left us).

    One of the worst incidents that happened on the day my mother died is that I just did not cry.And naturally ppl were asking me questions.I was shocked at that incident that she had cancer and died(it happened within a week).I just could not express my sadness.But I was feeling so empty , lost and confused from the inside, which I only could understand and no other mortal being on the earth can even feel it at shallow level.

    5.After passing high school,I attended a regular graduation college and passed.During that college year , my father sold my car so that I wouldn’t become lazy.

    In that college there was no bullying.Everyone was friendly but there were completely different reasons for that.

    6.Last year, after completing my graduation I joined another college(an elite one) for post-graduation.

    Now, in this college my troubles came back.I was harassed several times again - one guy even spat in my face in front of a group of 5 ppl of my age.Some teachers are heavily biased towards me.It so happened that one day I was five min. late for class while helping a bipolar guy find his way to the library.I was not allowed to enter the class.Fine,then after fifteen minutes a girl was late but to most of my peers and my surprise she was allowed to attend the class.This is total injustice. :dread::upset:

    Those thoughts slowly began creeping to my mind (the thoughts of my school years).I soon left the college after a month.Nobody even bothered to phone me – forget about my peers,not even the staff.

    7.At present, I am looking for a job.Yesterday, I came to know that the woman whom I love so much has left me...and I am extremely sad and upset right now.I cannot sleep at night (I am writing this in the middle of the night)...

    I am plotting my own demise...I hope I can die as quickly as possible...the earlier the better...
    I want to rest in peace.
  7. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    You have had a terrible life. This seems to have affected you greatly, leaving you fearful and apprehensive. If anything, one could argue there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, given your circumstances. I don't know if you are Christian but you comment on sinning leads me to believe you are. Read the Bible, allow Christ into your life, He is someone who truly undestands your suffering having been betrayed by the very people who professed love and devotion to him and still He never gave up on them. Allow Christ to inspire and forgive you.
    Is it possible for you to see a therapist of somekind? someone who you could talk with? I know you are plotting your demise(much like the rest of us), but as last resort go to the doctors and go on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, sleeping pills, anti-psychotic meds, anything and everything to help you survive for the time being. I wish you well
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