Suicide is my only option

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AAA3330, Mar 13, 2015.

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  1. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Suicide is the only option that I have left. I've already been on several meds that didn't work. I wish that it weren't so, but it is. I just wish that there were something that they could do for me, but there's not. I suffer every day and constantly. I just want it to go away. I never used to be like this. I used to be happy and always felt good. This has been such a major change for me and I just can't deal with it. If it weren't so bad, maybe I could deal with it. I think that my brain is damaged and there is just nothing that anyone can do. What's weird is that all of my memories seem to be there and my body still functions fine. It's just that my brain and the way that it perceives the outside world is so much different. I always feel confused and see reality in a different way. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way and just want it to go away. I think that in cases like mine that suicide is appropriate.
     
  2. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Hello & sorry you find yourself in this situation. Has this been a long term thing for you? I am trying to believe (for myself) that if I didn't always feel like this, then it might be possible not to feel like this one day. I personally know of friends who thought of nothing but suicide every single day for years on end but went into remission and don't feel like that now. It's amazing. But it's really dark to be where you are and I'm struggling too. Peace.
     
  3. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    I relate to you completely my situation is hopeless too
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Sorry to hear that you are suffering but please do not act on any feeling. You need to remain strong. Life is very important and that includes YOU.
     
  5. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    No, bayareagirl, I wasn't always like this. I used to be really happy and very successful. It's only been these last few years that things have been so bad for me. I used to think that I was different than other people, but now I can't tell the difference anymore and I feel very confused and terrified of how I feel. This all started after I got stressed out over a disability review. I wish that I could be the way that I was, but I just can't. My brain just won't allow me to. I can't stand to live this way. I don't even feel like a complete person anymore. I think that my brain may be damaged and if that's the case, then there's really nothing that anyone can do for me. I appreciate the responses though.
     
  6. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    Well your brain probably is damaged. Your hippocampus probably shrunk, especially if this has been a long-term thing. Good news is, you can grow it back to full capacity with the right treatment. Once you've got your brain back, it'll be a lot easier to feel like you did before.
     
  7. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Could be. It's just so baffling to me as to why things feel so much differently, yet so many things are working perfectly. It's just such a mystery. I know that it wouldn't make things better, but I sure wish that I knew exactly what was going on. One day, I was feeling fine and then everything just changed. It's been about two and a half years and there's been no improvement, so I'm pretty sure that I'll have to deal with this for the rest of my life.
     
  8. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    Yeah me too mate life is crap when your nuts like us
     
  9. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Sad part for me Bruces is I used to be happy and had a good life. It just really pisses me off that things are so much different now and I can't do anything about it. I had it made and screwed things up by getting too stressed out the way that I did. So I can see how life seems like a valuable thing to most people. But now I feel that I would be so much better off dead. Nobody should be made to suffer the way that I do. Before this happened to me, I wouldn't have known that it was possible to suffer in the way that I do. There's a lot more going on with me than just being down in the dumps. Something is seriously messed up in my head and I would be better off dead.
     
  10. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    I'm exactly same mate I havnt been happy for 24 years that's when I became a retarded waster I'm a waster
     
  11. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    I tend to agree with Luie. I think there's a lot that's not known about depression but seems to be that the brain really does change. The bit that sucks is that if we wait till we feel better to do the things that will make us feel better, we won't actually get better (if you see what I mean). There's a lot of faking it going on in my camp - trying to get to the gym, do stuff with people, hell, just getting out of bed, volunteering. None of it I actually feel like doing at all. I'm just hoping that in time, my faking it will begin to feel real and I won't feel like shit all the time.
     
  12. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    It's the hippocampus. It's responsible for emotion. You can grow it back if you want to and feel better, but unfortunately, yes, you'll have to deal with it trying to shrivel up like a dried bean for the rest of your life. Some people are fine with that, though it's really just your choice on whether or not you want to. If not, you can sit on the boat with me for a while and see how things play out.
     
  13. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    Oh I meant drugs, but that too. It can take more than a year to grow back and you still have to maintain it. I tend to fake my emotions anyway like some sort of self-defense mechanism.
     
  14. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Good way to describe it Luie - I'm on the same boat I think.
     
  15. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    It's no five-star cruise, but it's a quiet place to spend some time. I'll be here for a while ;J
     
  16. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Do they treat this with drugs? It's been over two years since my problems started. I've read how the brain can heal with time, but if mine was going to, I would have thought that it would have by now. I think that I am just screwed. I still don't see how stress alone could have damaged my brain, but it appears to have.
     
  17. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    Sounds like there's not a great deal of hope in getting better!!
     
  18. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    You're probably right. It's just that I have a hard time accepting it. It seems that some of us are just doomed. It's so hard knowing that death is my only way out.
     
  19. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    Drugs, psychotherapy, etc. You have to find the particular thing that works and then do that thing for at least a year. Sometimes, though, it doesn't always work. It's really hard to tell and it's really easy to assume that whatever it is isn't working, which is why finding the right treatment is so difficult. You have to be really determined to get better in order to get better, which is exactly what depression makes you feel like not doing. Some people do want to get better and some people don't want to have to go through all that. I can empathize with the people who don't and have major respect for the people that do. I think it largely depends on how much you're willing to fight.
     
  20. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Luie, you really make a lot of sense. AAA3330, I don't know if it helps to realize it's your depression making you feel there is no hope. No one knows the future but depression sure makes us feel like there's no hope. I have seen friends with really long term depression go into remission with the right medication and set of circumstances. I agree with Luie though, it really takes a lot to keep going through all the options, from meds to therapy. I don't know if it helps to know there are other treatment options out there, ECT, TMS ... I feel like I've got a foot in both camps Luie described which is a kind of torture in itself - partly just wanting to give up and not go through the business of trying to get better because it just feels impossible. Partly hanging on in case hope grows. Keep posting would you?
     
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