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Suicide is not a first option is a last resource for me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by philecon, Oct 16, 2010.

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  1. philecon

    philecon New Member

    Dear All,

    I am 30 year old male. I am from Mexico but I am currently in Europe. I just feel like telling my story to you so that you can know me. I feel so lonesome and been pondering suicide for too long already. I have postponed the decision but it stays on and on. I am tired of this I wish I could solve this issue and start working on myself and the things that I need to do in order to be alive again. Full of motivation and willing to strive for my dreams.

    Well this is how it goes. I am in Europe because three years ago me and my girlfriend decided to come here to study a master. Me and her were together for ten years, all my friends are common friends and we had a good relation with its up and downs. Anyway a year ago we were living together in Holland and I was very, very happy with my life. We wanted to get married in December 2009, I had her love and I also had a nice job as research-assistant in a great university in the Netherlands. What happened? I still do not understand it fully but she went back to Mexico for her mother's birthday and something went wrong. On October 1 2009 she called to say that her mother got her a job and that she wanted to take it. I was a little upset but did not reacted until two days later. Then we had a fight and after that she stop all communication with me. She allow me to call her the day she was supposed to take her plane back to Amsterdam. So that was it. This was around a month time. I went completely crazy, I felt devastated by the break-up and also I felt abused. From that point on my life started to take a huge turn and it was on the wrong way. I became lazy and unmotivated at work and I also did a lot of drugs (I use to do them before, but not daily and in a recreational way) This continued for some time. I took a flight back to Mexico to see her and indeed after some rough first encounters we managed to be perfectly ok for a while. She told me she loved me 'though not as she used to and that mostly she didnt want to be my wife or be in a relationship with me (or anyone else) She wants to focus on her career and her friends. Basically she didn't want to be dependent on anyone else for her hapiness. Ok. Holidays were over and I came back to my University to finish what I started. I would have quitted but I also got a loan which forces me to get the degree otherwise I will put me and others in trouble. Problem was that I went all the time missing her and really waiting for her to comeback. During those months we were chatting online on a daily basis and she was very supportive of me in many ways but still drawing the line and keeping some stuff to herself. One thing that was problematic is that we didn't had any schedules for our chats and I was always waiting for her to connect and then of course I was not doing my own things the way I should have. Time went by and consequences came in. I finished the semester and had many term papers undue and a thesis. The financial support that was provided by the University (and they were very patient with me) was cut. So there I found myself with no money to get by, no ticket back home and no studies. I started living in people's couches or if they would go for holidays they would give me their house keys and allow me to stay there whilw I tried to pull my things together. Some progress was made but not enough, the studies I picked are very demanding and time consuming and its basically impossible to get done a year's work under bad circumstances and with my constant mood swings. One day I exploded and I wrote an e-mail to her asking her to not talk to me again. I was very bitter and I know I hurt her. I was obviously not in my senses when I did this but the worst was regretting it and coming back ten days later with a little I am sorry. As I write it I know how silly it sounds but I would need a lot more of words to explain myself through. So of course she does not want to know anything about me and she is totally over me. From what I know she is doing fine.

    Now I ended up (because of my laziness, depression, dependency or however you call it) in the streets with no money, no career, and little love left. I left Holland and came to Berlin and I am currently at a friends place. I think I need to get going soon. I would have killed myself already but I do not want to do it in a way that affects too much. I know but I just want to cause the less harm possible. But I do have the intention to do it and if I am here is because of it. I know I may sound not that terrible but I am conscious that I will feel suicidal again in little time. If I do not get myself together in the right way I know I can end up believing it and going ahead with my plan.

    So I guess what I want to ask is help to break this circle. I have been desperate but I am not now. However as I said I do not know how I am going to be tomorrow or in two days. If things come at me and I am not ready I will go through it I will.

    I know I may need the assistance of a psychiatrist but I do not have insurance and as I stated before I do not have much. My life is pretty much the clothes I'm wearing, the computer I am using now and the books I have on my luggage. I can vanish very easily and no one will know it for a long time. I have already wrote my suicide note and its actually one of those automatic holiday replies. It is programmed to start sending these on the 27th of October the day I expect to be dead or in coma.

    Thank you for your attention.

    In a few days I will get some money and with that I want to travel back to Amsterdam where I will get a room in a hotel and then get an overdose. I do not want to go into details but here because I want to be respectful of the norms of the forum but its a suicide forum and I know how and actually I am aiming for a slow and painful death, I do not want that people think that it was a slight moment of crazyness I want a long one. So yes I want to kill myself. I have thought it through and through. I know that it is not a good answer. I know that I might hurt some people maybe not my ex but surely my dad who has no one quite possible a few other friends. This is terrible but I am not lookin for a justification or trying to think that this is a rational act. It is not. Or at least not in my case. Though it is difficult for me to see it now there's many things in life waiting for me I am 30. I have a good education and I have debts to pay. Suicide is not the answer for me and yet I am here. Perhaps wasting your time you might think but the bottomline is that no matter how much I think about it.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey there,

    I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I think that overall this is something that you can get through.

    here is a link that has international crisis resources


    I think that you have to go a little ways down the page to get to the links menu

    I think that you can probably get your self back together with a little help. It seems like you were functioning at a pretty high level before things started to go wrong. I think that a combination of therapy and medical treatments could get you back on track.

    I think that if you went to a hospital emergency room, they would be required to give you medical care even if you can't pay. I think that would be a better option than trying to kill yourself.

    I know that the position that you are in is difficult, but I if you handle this situation well, you will be in good shape.

    There may be free care available to you in Germany. I don't know if that is the case, but sometimes there are programs out there.

    You may want to try doing some things that will help keep you healthy. If you can, try to get 1/2 hour of gentle aerobic activity everyday. It doesn't have to be a lot, just enough to barely break a sweat. If you have the discipline to do this, that can help a lot. Another thing to do is to make changes in your diet. I recommend avoiding processed foods and try eating only fresh, cooked foods served warm - nothing raw or cold. I recommend that you take a look at this book

    maybe get it at a library?

    next, I would say make a list of all of the people who might help you and brainstorm a plan for how to handle this. If your dad doesn't know what is going on, maybe he should know. Some of the people on the list might be able to help you with money and resources.

    If you are using drugs/ alcohol to try to deal with the situation please stop.

    that's a start at least.
  3. Marz

    Marz Member

    Whatever your mistakes people will forgive you, even if at the time it seems they won’t ever do so. It sounds like you still have a lot to live for, and people who care about you. As you talk about a slow and painful death, maybe you just need to release your frustrations? They’re other less severe ways of doing this (drugs aren't a good way though). Maybe remove your automatic suicide note, and use the money you have coming for more proactive steps. You have a lot going for you, granted this is a blip, but it isn’t a reason to give up as you can bounce back :stars:
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