Suicide is on my mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jonathan, Aug 28, 2006.

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  1. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member


    I'm 14 years old - nearly 15. And I have suicide on my mind almost every single day and minute. I pain inside all the time, not knowing the reason to live, I don't think there is no reason for me to live. I suck at all my subjects at School. Where nearly every class mate is as smart as hell. I don't like myself, I actually hate myself very much. I don't see no point on living. I feel that no one cares the way I feel - I've got no one to talk about my situation except on this forum. I just wish I was more intelligent.

    I just feel I don't have a future. Is my problem mainly because of School? yes. To be honest, I'm not liking my friends anymore, I just want to keep myself away from them. I want a more adventurous life. It may sound like I'm just whining, but these are my true feelings. There is no one who can turn my situation around but myself, right? but people on here should help. I think of killing myself the easiest way I can, like with pills or cutting my throat.

    As with my home work, I just don't want to do it. Mainly because of my depression - home work doesn't make my life any better so why should I do it. I'd rather go out and play one of my favourite computer games. I feel this way because I try to make myself more happy. But my feelings taunt me all the time with depression. Which goes on to lead to suicide which is currently on my mind.

    I seriously I don't want to live. I don't think that this situation can be solved without killing myself. I mean, what's going to happen when I'm older? I'm just going to grow up old and die - if I actually live that long. But I don't like life, everyday is just killing myself. :wink:

    I haven't spoken to anyone about my problematic situation, except my best friend; Zoe. *but that was just Today. I normally keep things such as personal emotions to myself, as I don't like sharing my feelings to any one at-all. But I just think this will help.

    I want to die. I think there is no after life, so if I did die, I wouldn't have to think or be emotional anymore. And all this rubbish about there is an after-life, I just don't understand. I think it's just a plore to think there is a meaning of life, which is having a life then moving on to better one. I wish some one could kill me, it would be less bearable to do it to myself, so some one doing it for me would be much better.

    I just give up. I think of myself as a failure.

    (ps: I actually went out to look for a forum like this on google. I'm glad I found it)
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 28, 2006
  2. Tak

    Tak Active Member

    Hey Jonathan

    First off welcome to SF, hope we can help

    You say that you wish you were more intelligent, well your post does not sound like it has come from an uneducated person, so there must be some intelligence in there:biggrin:

    Everyone will shout don't do it, don't try to kill yourself, you are so young and have so much to live for, hopefully here you will be able to open up to us and find some good in life. If you really want to try, then I suggest reading some of the posts from After Effects or Loved and Lost, they might help you change your mind.

    On the homework front, yes it sucks, but you have to do it, maybe you need to use the want to play your computer games as an incentive, do your homework then play.

    Anyway, hope you find what you need here
    Take care
  3. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    I just don't feel like living, I mean I can't control it. I have a head ache almost everyday, I may even go on drugs, I feel that bad. I know it's probably young for me to think like this, right? but I can't go on anymore. One day I actually may kill myself, because I can't stand the emotional stress; I can't stand it now. What will happen when I go onto onto my GCSE'? I'll be in much more stress than ever, and even when I find out my scores are below average. I have some friends/people at school and some times they do call me "dumb", they're in the same class so it's hard to avoid them. But they don't know it hurts when they do that. But they always ignore what I have to say, I even kicked one of them in the balls for calling me dumb, but they can't see to stop doing it. It's like they have built into there brain to call me that word whenever I slip in what education class I am in. I like history though, and I am much better than them at it, but it's not like I call them dumb whenever they slip up in it. I find it hard to put my hand up whenever I try to answer a question, because of what they're going to say if I do actually get it wrong.
    They're to fixated on the subject of Maths, anyone who is classed as "suck" in that subject is deleted from there files of cool people. - It's not just this problem I have many, many problems. (My Blog)
    I've read those threads/posts from where you said and they're very heart wrenching. But for some reason it just doesn't do it for me. If you think I'm 'cold' because of that, then think that. But I'm in a situation where living is an option which I do not want. I wish I was never born, I can't explain it because I'm not that technically smart enough to.

    I mean I have friends out side of School, whom I talk to on msn they cut there wrists because of emotional depression. I don't see any point in that, as you're not gaining from that, but just more emotional despair. Killing yourself you actually gain, by losing the emotions you detest most and whatever you don't like in your life, if you're that motivated to do such a thing like myself.

    My teachers even think I'm an idiot. I do some work for my Bible Studies (I'm not christian but I have to do it anyway) She said I done A + work, as in GCSE marks. And she didn't believe I had done it, and then she told me to do the whole thing again. So I had to write in a less intelligent way.

    I don't like life. :sad:
    Thanks for the tip. :wink:
  4. Tak

    Tak Active Member

    No one can control life, it just kinda happens

    It might well be worth while seeing a doc for your headaces, espically if you are getting them everyday, that can't help with your mood.

    If your friends are calling you dumb, can you really class them as friends, and your teacher asking you to re-write an essay was well out of order, espically if you did 'dumb-it-down'. You need to talk to your teacher, Simon, about how you feel, they are there to help and may be able to point you in the direction of someone else who can help further. You sound like you just really need to talk to someone, sorry if that sounds patronising, it isnt meant to be

    Never go down the SH way - there is no return :biggrin: How do you gain by killing yourself - you lose everything - game over
  5. thecrow

    thecrow Member

    hi Jonathan. I can't tell you to live or die, but I can tell you that being smart isn't everything. I had a friend once who was always sad because she thought people thought she was stupid. Meanwhile everyone liked her and no one really cared about her marks at all. She also hated herself and thought she wasn't pretty enough but really, she was beautiful. And remember, Jonathan, if anyone teases you about your marks they are not really that smart either. Only dumb people are mean to people who can't help the way they were born. Plus depressed people usually do bad in schoolwork, they have no energy or desire.

    Look at your life and ask yourself what other good qualities you have.

    good luck friend:smile:
  6. zura

    zura Guest

    Hey,dun kill urself or I'll kick ur ass!!!Nay,I was juz 'kiddin'..It's ur choice k..I got no right to interfere..I juz wanna 'correct' ur 'hypothesis'...U'r as young s my bro,i don't wanna u to die...U dun hav to be so obsessed bout education..It's damn true that being smart isn't everythn...K,hav a pity on me...Now,I'm 18 years old..I've been so robotic,never really hav a pleasurable time in my life..It's like being a zombie cos everybody expects enormous things out of u n u'r stuck...trying to be up to 'the standard'....everything is so planned n well-coordinated...I'm not trying to brag,but in 'society',I am regarded s a smart person...But,why do evry single femto-second,I think bout puttin an end to my life...Being intelligent??There's price to pay...U know,each of us has no one brain...We hav 2 brains...The rite n da left hemisphere...The one with creativity n the other one is intelligence...I'm sure ur a creative lotz...Have u ever heard that one day our world is not gonna be ruled by smart people,but the one with creativity n inovativity that's gonna do it...I'm sure that u have sum inclination on sumthin,which u can develop,...It's ur trademark man!!Be proud of urself....:biggrin: Juz remember this quote "I WAS BORN INTELLIGENT,BUT EDUCATIONS RUIN ME":cool:
  7. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    One thing I'm wondering John, do you only or mostly get depressed when you compare yourself to others academically?

    Well I have no friends, but my parent's friend's kids are all much smarter and harder working than me and I get so depressed being around them, they know they are smarter than me and probably better than me in everything but don't say it.

    But otherwise, I feel okay, I really only get depressed when I'm surrounded by all these people I feel are better than me at everything. I dunno, just avoid them or what?

    Sheesh, my dad tells me to surround myself with successful people so I could be inspired by them but it only makes me feel worse. :dry:
  8. zura

    zura Guest

    Hehe...Smart people are demotivating species...They think they knoe-it all...
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2006
  9. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I'm here if you need me, I'm just a PM away, alright?
    Please feel better.
  10. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    Hey thanks for your replies,

    But it's not just my education I am trying to tell you about. I do get depressed a lot with that though. It's my whole life, I just can't stand life. Suicide is like an easy way out, and once your dead your dead - which I find peaceful because there is no longer nothing to worry about or to even think about. And yes Rahul I do compare myself to my class mates. I only go to a small school of about 150 people in total so every one is very hard to avoid and you can't not be friends with anyone.

    When I read this thread kind of reminds me of myself. It made me sad because he was going through the same thing I was, with staying on the Internet and playing games. And being isolated from the outside world.

    I mean I have a lot of problems, those problems equal up into depression and so on. I broke my leg last year, which wasn't nice as I had lost my stamina when I went back to School I had to learn to walk which wasn't pleasant becuase I used to be a top runner.

    It's since I broke my leg really, becuase I was sent back home from Hospital for about 6 months becuase my leg was hit in the growth plate - and they said I might not be able to play my sports again becuase it'd just bring more damage to my leg. But in that 6 month period I was on a bed in my house, and next to me was a Lap top which my Dad bought for me as he was very worried about me. But the Lap Top was connected to the Internet. (I never ever use to go on the Internet) I got addicted to msn, and then in that 6 month I wanted more becuase I was bored. So I opened up my own forum and then started my own hosting business. Then my Birthday was coming up and I got a game called Battlefield 2, I got addicted to that and I'm still playing the game. I think it's becuase of the Internet and the Computer that my life is ruined. But I'm to addicted to get away or just to leave the lap top alone - which then effected my home work - and so on. All this was a problem which lead to my suicide 'thinking'. :wink: I mean I stay up on my computer until 3 AM I've even gone 48 hours before. :sad:

    Anyways no need to reply to the thread, nothing can stop how I feel accept myself. Thank you for being kind.

    Crappy, sh*ty - life. Life is a fucking pain. - Excuse my rudeness.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 28, 2006
  11. zura

    zura Guest

    I'm sorry about it...Anyway,I pray that ur gonna get better as days passing by,but still maintain ur true quality...Anything starts in u...Juz know that I'm with u...:mellow:
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