I read some of the threads on this forum. Some are kind of heartbreaking. Alot of young people who seem lost. Im not sure what Im writing this for other than its saturday and im bored out of my mind. Ive forceably slept all day induced by pills but my head and eyes hurt now and are rebelling against me. Gotta actually get up now and do the human thing. Last 15 years this is basically how my weekends go. Its basically my life. Sleep as much as I possibly can til all of this is over. Sleep is the best painkiller. I guess thats why I crave dying so much. And why I always think of suicide. Sleep is deaths little sister. I like sleeping. I think i would love death even more. Essentially im kind of already dead. Im 32. I have no life, no job, no freinds, no loved ones, not close with my family. I have no mind, no passion, no love, no hope, no future, and not much to live for. All there is left is basically is a pulse and heartbeat. I wonder how you could help someone who has no desire to be alive. I wish I could tell God, thanks but no thanks. I just dont want to be here. Yet, im stuck here. Trapped. I feel so terribly sorry for my parents. Giving birth to a worthless retch. Its hard to even look them in the face. When they force themselves to say theyre proud of me. I want to cry. They have surely done alot for me and I have done nothing with my life. But eat, sleep, and waste my life away. The fact that I suffer from depression and anxiety disorders doesnt even justify my collapse. I just never wanted to bother fighting it. Or fighting for myself. Because im more interested in not existing than living. I just have no desire. I intensely hate myself. And I want to die. Im ready to die. But then I think about how it would affect my family and its just like I have no option but to just stick around and do this life thing for them. Pretend im human. Pretend to smile. Pretend to make a joke. Pretend im alright and everything is fine. Despite looking like a bum. Smelling like sewitch and sleeping 15 hours a day. You know one day a while back I guess I woke up and just said screw it. I let go. I let go of everything. Mostly because I honestly dont feel life is worth it. Well actually, Ill just say only my life wasnt worth it. Being me wasnt worth waking up to everyday. Wasnt worth busting my ass trying to study, and work, and deal with mental and physical illnesses. Isnt worth it if I have to be alone and lonely and unattractive. Not having friends or family to fall back on. Not having someone there to hug me. Not having someone to wake up next to me, ready to face the day. Not having anything to hold on to thats worth the fight. No accomplishments. No skills. No faith. Not feeling that God cares. Not worth the suffering and struggling and the tears. Cant justify why im here, why i exist, and whats the point. Cant control my thoughts and emotions. Cant stop thinking about killing myself. Cant change anything. Ive been out of work for awhile. After awhile you just give up looking. Not because you believe there is nothing truly out there. But because you just get so tired and frustrated and drain of every ounce of energy and sanity. It just doesnt suppose to be like this. Samething with life. You spend days starving, trying to get what little you can. And you just cant help but to ask whats the point in all of this. What is so bad about wanting to die when you dont have anything to live for. When you have nothing in life. This particular life. I do think life is precious, for most maybe. But not for me. I just dont know how to deal with the pain and torment anymore. Im in a constant nightmare. How do you help someone who wants to lay down and never wake up. I wish there was someone peaceful, honorable way I could die that wouldnt bring so much misery to my family. Im trying to eat myself to death and drink myself to death. But its slow and painful and i feel sick all the time. But if i did die because of that it would be accepted. Just having some massive heart attack or stroke. But if I put a bullet through my head or downed a bottle of pills, my mother would probably never be able to live it down. The stigma with suicide is fascinating. Why does it have to mean your quitting? Or your weak and selfish and giving up. To me living my life is insanity. You would just be putting an end to it. Suicide is an alternative. To the unfairness. The unjust and simply hopelessness some of us experience. Its not the answer to everything but it is an option. Its giving life and all you problems the middle finger. Its having the last laugh of all who ever mistreated you. Its telling God.... meh. Its not having to wake up with that headache and that great swell of misery, and that lump in your throat. Its not having to go on a panic fuelled job search or work for the biggest assholes in the world or ever told your being fired again. Its pissing on fear and saying you cant follow me where im going there is no fear, or pain, or sadness or depression. Its saying goodbye to heartache and lonliness. No more memories of losing someone you love. No more guilt eating you alive. I gladly give that job to the maggots in my grave. No more bad news from doctors. No more bill collectors. No more burdens or debt. Its not having to wake up with that pain in your back that never goes away. Or that craving for another drink. Not having to say your sorry to yourself again. Not having anxiety tear you apart. Not having to watch everyone else in the world live your dream. Never having to fail again. Never again having to hear the empty sound in your soul ever again. For me its more reason to die than to live. That'll always be the case. But for now I have no choice but to remain trapped in this failed existence.