Suicide is painless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Yati, Oct 9, 2013.

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  1. Yati

    Yati Well-Known Member


    I haven't posted for a long time but I've been feeling suicidal. Since I have posted I have married my fiance and it's been since June 8th we've been married. It's nothing to do with my marriage and I love my life. I live with her and it is hard because I work a second shift job, which I hate because I don't get to spend time with her and our puppies...

    As of late every time I go into work I feel suicidal. I've been recently promoted but have been feeling hostile at work. I hate my job because well it is rough, I feel I am surrounded by intellectual inferiors. I feel so angry after work, towards myself, and towards others. I don't want to brag or say I'm better than others but work just makes me so tense and angry. I'm constantly on call and some people don't know boundaries. I work night IT and everyone thinks their problem is the most important.

    When I come home I'm so filled with hate and loathing that I just think about offing myself. <Mod edit- Methods> I imagine the most painful ways to die because I hate myself.

    I've tried finding other jobs, but every time I find one it requires a lot of travel or me having to move. I've had turn down so many because it would cause me to be a way from my wife so long. I've just given up trying because I don't believe anyone will hire me around here, and if I get a job I'll have to turn it down.

    I also imagine walking into work <mod edit - methods> in front of people I have work place conflicts with. Imagine making them think that was their argument really worth it. Was it worth it to put him through misery and make him snap?

    With all of these emotions I find that I can't sleep more than two hour periods. The days seem to run into each other and I am so busy. I just want to rest, but I can never rest. I'm to tense to rest, to full of loathing for myself, and to busy of thinking of ways just to die. I feel such a burning flame of hatred for myself it hurts. I've been suicidal in the past because I'm depress, but this is different.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 9, 2013
  2. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    Hey there, calm down. You have a beautiful wife and other amazing things in life to look forward to. Everyone probably feels the same way as you do. Or some other person out there. It's not just you. Learn to accept your weaknesses and mistakes at first. There's more to life than just pain and feeling suicidal. Believe me, there is still something you can do to be happy. Just keep talking and letting your thoughts out like this. It can help.
  3. Yati

    Yati Well-Known Member

    I don't feel weak or see weaknesses in myself; I just feel angry at myself. Also, things that used to make me happy just don't anymore. I really just feel angry because of work, I"m trying to keep from lashing out at others, and I think I'm transposing those emotions to myself...
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