suicide is the only thing that calms me down

I am so tired. I should be happy and enjoy talking to people but I don't. I went to a therapist then put on several different pills nothing helped so I stopped seeing her. I know exactly how I would do it and when I think about it all of the tension and pain disappear. This is the first time I have been on a forum such as this. I am afraid that I won't die and have to live the aftermath which terrifies me. I am lost.

 

hi gravelm. So many here can relate to what you wrote. For me, it does feel like hope when I think about sui. And so yes, it can calm me down if I am in deep pain.

But I also think I have to hold on. For those who care about me. ( even though in the worst of pain and depression I do believe they don't care). I am glad you are here. This is a good community. The good thing about being here is we are not alone in what we are feeling. Others feel it too. So we do not have to hide how we are feeling. And no one criticizes us here for what we say and feel.
:welcome:

 

i totally can see where you're coming from. i think for me, the reason that suicide calms me down, is because it means so much- like it is my ultimate reward for all i've been through in my life. it's like the only thing now that calms me down knowing that their is a way out, a way to stop feeling like i am

 

I used to glorify a grand finale of my life by ending it by suicide. I thought it is the ultimate sacrifice. But after surviving the most near-death attempt, I don't think I ever want to do that again. I know how it will affect everyone who knows me and loves me. Not only causing me pain, but for everyone else. It's not guaranteed an after-life and what if I did die and regret it? It's too much a chance to risk. I'm now terrified of dying.

 

mpamg, I totally hear what you are saying. What if I die ( see the larger picture after I die) and regret it. I also agree about loved ones, as I wrote above.

 

Thank you for your positive input. I am leaning on a way just a when is the problem. When I think about it feels so good and all of the bad disappear. But ultimately its just a matter of when. The strangest thing is I don't feel bad or sad about it. Remember in funerals when people say he or she is in a good place? That is where I want to be this good place.

 

I had my will drawn up so everything goes where I want it to go . That gives me great relief. I have boxes in the basement all ready to be filled. Its just a matter of when.

 

that's positive to read, seeing as i know how you've been struggling before.