Suicide might save my family

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lashoh, Mar 3, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. lashoh

    lashoh Member

    I looked over the forum here and didn't see any other postings about the type of situation I find myself in. I feel extremely bad about what I've done and am thinking that suicide may be the only way to save my family. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have been in treatment for years. I have a wife and a ten year old daughter. Last year in February my wife kicked me out of the house for panicking and going to the hospital (I thought my heart was damaged after a panic attack). She had previously told me that if I went, then not to come home again. So now, I am living at my parents where I have a bed, some bowling balls and a closet. My wife will not let me come back home and I have only been able to see my daughter for a couple hours a week during the last year when we meet with my wife. She will not get a divorce and I am the sole provider of income. Due to my depression and anxiety I have been having problems at work and I am likely to lose my job and not be able to find another one (I am often sick or unable to work). So it looks like I am doomed to live with my parents for the rest of my life (I am 46) since I can't afford to support both of us, even if I keep my job or find one that pays as well. My daughter says she misses me occasionally but other than that shows no signs of distress. My wife has no interest in any relationship with me in the future. My two closest friends left me after they heard about what happened. If I lose my job, we will lose our house (which was my wife's dream), my daughter will suffer terribly as well as my wife. I will end up either living with my parents as a leech on disability or in an institution, and will probably never get to see my daughter again. I have a very good insurance policy of over 1 million dollars and it's been over 2 years, so we can collect. I know it would hurt people around me to kill myself, but it seems like the pain caused by becoming an invalid and being cut off from my daughter (my wife would make sure she never saw me), is not that different - either one is a nightmare for everyone involved. It seems it might be better to have closure than just to drag out this ruin across years of other people's lives. I hope I am not convincing anyone to agree with me - I am hoping there is something I am not seeing clearly here.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Lashoh...I clearly do not understand why a person would punish someone who has an illness...if you had a heart problem would your wife have kicked you out as well? I think using her as the standard of health and caring is ill advised. It sounds like your depression and anxiety has gone untreated. since you have good insurance, do you have good health insurance as well? Maybe it is time to focus on your health and get well. Both anxiety and depression can be treatable conditions and it would be horrible if you hurt yourself without exerting the effort to get better. Please explore what is available in your area, ask people who have success what they have done and give it a chance...sounds like all you have to lose is a miserable way of being...all the best
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Don't do this to your daughter...
  4. lashoh

    lashoh Member

    I've been in therapy (weekly) and medical treatment for years. It has helped but not enough to keep up with the rate at which things were worsening, especially in the last four years. The therapists say that I don't try hard enough, that I give up too easily, which is true. The medications all stop working after about a year and the side effects really damaged me. I just need a future that I can look forward to somehow.
  5. fatloser

    fatloser Banned Member

    So you are still supporting your wife, even though she won't let you live in the house that YOU pay for? If I were you, I'd stop paying her way and let her fend for yourself. Get your anxiety and depression taken care of with medications and a therapist and then seek custody of your daughter. There is no reason for you to support your ex wife, because she sounds like she is a very cold hearted person. Killing yourself will do no good to anybody, and is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
  6. lashoh

    lashoh Member

    Thank you - I pay for everything. It's good to know that other people see how messed up this is. I'm too weak to fight my wife and am afraid to cut off my daughter. Cutting my wife off would destroy whatever functionality I have left with the pain of hurting her. I still care about her and I understand how she feels. So my options are pain, more pain and more pain. If I don't kill myself, the stress and pain will do it for me in a few years or less. Part of the problem with how I feel is caused by the fact that I only ever wanted to help my family and somehow I've managed to destroy them, and this situation is just so crazy. I haven't heard another story like this. I think that is often part of what makes people want to die - they feel like they are the only ones experiencing this and other people just don't understand. It's like living in some sort of alternate reality where you can see and hear other people but you just aren't connected in any way.
  7. paulhewson

    paulhewson Well-Known Member

    I agree with F.L. How can your wife kick you out in your condition, yet live in your house? She has to at least start making the mortgage on her own, or you must be allowed back into your own home. Killing yourself won't help your daughter, though.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to get legal advice you get a lawyer a nd you get visitation rights to your daughter hun You do not let your wife control you and everything YOU work hun You need to go into hospital and get your medication looked at so your anxiety and depression can be managed hun

    Get a lawyer ok she cannot do this to you
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    You didn't destroy your family... your wife did. If I had been in your situation, I would have gone to the hospital too, because I've had panic attacks and I know how awful they are. There was nothing wrong with you wanting to make sure your heart wasn't damaged.

    I agree that you should seek some legal advice. You don't deserve what has been done to you, and I hope you can find the strength to keep fighting. If you took your own life, it would cause your daughter pain that would never go away. But if you fight for yourself... your physical and emotional well-being... then you can fight for your daughter too. I sincerely hope you don't give up!! :hug:
  10. lashoh

    lashoh Member

    Thanks everyone - I feel a little better knowing that there is something wrong with this situation besides me. I'm going to hold off on doing anything drastic.
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm glad you've decided not to do anything, and I hope you'll continue to post and let us help and support you.
  12. fatloser

    fatloser Banned Member

    You didn't do anything to her, she is just a cold hearted bitch who doesn't understand what depression is like, and how hard it is to deal with. A lot of people are like her, and think because they can't see it, it isn't there. And it isn't just that a person is sad. I know it's hard, but you need to stop making excuses for her and get angry, because at this point she is treating you like shit and you don't deserve it, especially since YOU are taking care of her. She is just using you at this point, and using your daughter as leverage.
  13. fatloser

    fatloser Banned Member

    I think it is pretty obvious that your wife is just cold hearted, and ignorant to what depression does to a person. Like everyone said, seek legal advice, divorce her and seek custody of your daughter. Since you are the one working and paying for everything, you have a leg up on her. Love is a fucked up thing, but it can be overcome with time and therapy. Just think to yourself, do you deserve to be treated like that?
  14. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    It's funny that your suffering from depression and anxiety and that your wife behaving the way she is exacerbating things unknowingly. Or maybe choosing to be wilfully ignorant of the affect her behaviour has in feeding the negative cycle you are all in. Oh and that pain you describe so eloquently is called grief, the pain of losing an attachment figure, the more you love that person the more it hurts. I wish you all the best.
  15. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Sounds to me like you have a parasite.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.