Suicide. My story and experience.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nevermor3, Jun 10, 2014.

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  1. Nevermor3

    Nevermor3 New Member

    This is my first of what may be many, I'm a new member I've read through a few now and I'd like to share my story and outlook on this subject with you all.
    I'm a 22 year old male, yes yes I know still very young things may change! I've heard it all.
    I'm suicidal I've now only recently became comfortable with sharing this information I know how difficult and uncomfortable this is to talk about for many of yous.
    Before I get into all that let me tell you a bit about myself, this is suppose will be the beginning of my story. (Forgive me for my grammar and any spelling mistakes)
    I can't recall when depression began sometime at a very young age I remember I hurt myself and wasn't afraid to hurt.
    There is no one to blame here I have great parents, and 3 sisters. 2 happen to be nurses and 1 is younger than me just in high school.
    Money isn't tight I have never been abused or felt mistreated, I've had many great opportunities in life.
    Growing up my grades were so so I've never failed I'm a college graduate at this point actually.
    These past few year though have been the worse I find my depression has only grown.
    I've lost a friend who was murdered in a good town but just a bad person, a random attack.
    I lost a GF I truly love but since moved on, I found help through the hospital were I was held for a short time.
    I than spoke to my family doctor and was prescribed anti depressants by the name of Cipralex.
    The dose slowly increased, this drug is expensive about 60+ per month, I failed to mention I lost my job not long after I started these.
    I bought a dog as well to fill some time and hes made a great companion.
    Back at the time I was released from the hospital I had been referred to a therapist, he later managed my meds and with my mental health.
    In addition I had a short term case manager.
    Things didn't change and the meds were pricey I felt and my parents insisted on paying for them.
    I felt like it was a burden on them even if it wasn't much.
    One day I said enough is enough i cancelled my appointment stopped the Cipralex.
    This was a poor decision the withdraw was rough felt like crap for quite a few weeks.

    It didn't take long for me to relapse and fall deeper into depression this is how it seems to go lots of peeks and valleys on'y the peaks get smaller and the valleys get deeper.
    I found myself back the hospital in urgent care for the second time. I've never attempted suicide just though about it a low done lots of research.
    <Mod Edit: Methods>
    Long story short I went back on meds and later came off them again and here I am months later.
    I have a new GF now and a job I enjoy and other opportunists around the corner for a career based job.
    I'm trying to break down my depression here and exploring all options before i decide to off myself.
    I struggle on leaving family behind with how they would manage with my death.
    What sort of questions would they have?
    On the flip side I'm hurting I don't see if even all my dream were to come true i'd be happy.
    Is it to much to ask to let go of all this pain I suffer through daily.
    Can you blame me? I mean why should I go on unhappy for the rest of my life.
    I can't see what beauty of happiness life could possibly offer for even the richest and most fortunate.
    What are all your thoughts?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2014
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    It sounds like you do a lot better on meds, and you should work on improving your compliance with taking meds because it sounds like when you don't take them, the shit hits the fan and things get a lot worse. It does suck having to take meds every day, I have to take them every day for the rest of my life to achieve stability but I must do this because if I don't I become unwell very quickly. You have a girlfriend and job you enjoy, you should put your effort into these things and work on improving you situation so you don't feel the need to commit suicide. I'd also suggest seeing a therapist to discuss your issues with them to work on the underlying issues of why you may be depressed to keep them at bay for good.
     
  3. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    That was very well written, by the way. You are very good at expressing your thoughts.

    Like you've pointed out, you have a lot of positives around you, but that still doesn't change the way you feel. A lot of people have been there, including myself. There are times where we can't always explain how we feel the way we feel. Like Butterfly pointed out, it sounded like you were doing better on your meds, and if it was truly helping you, then you should keep taking them in proper regulation. If your parents are helping you pay for them, then it's not a burden. When you love someone, it's not a burden to help them out. I'm sure your family, friends, and girlfriend all want to see you happy, and I'm sure you're a very enjoyable person to have those people in your life. Everyone needs help sometimes, and while it can be hard to allow it, letting people help you is a good thing.
     
  4. Nevermor3

    Nevermor3 New Member

    Thank you both for taking the time to express your insight and experience with me. The meds were helpful it seemed but we're not a complete answer. My girlfriend who's very smart pointed out to me on average it takes 6 meds to find one that works for you.
    Today I told her I would make an appointment with my doctor to discuss some options. I did and I'll share with yous how things go I appreciate all the positive support.
     
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    That's good to hear hun :) Hope it all goes well!
     
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