Suicide not so easy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KennethJones, Jan 22, 2009.

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  1. KennethJones

    KennethJones Member

    Yesterday I said to myself that I had a choice between life and death. I had to make a choice because now I see my life is headed toward a very dark place. To prevent this from happening I thought it would be best if I killed myself. The decision to kill myself was made by weighing the negative consequences and the benefits of my death. After taking these factors into consideration I came to the conclusion that I would be much better dead than alive.

    One of the big reasons I think death would be a better choice than life is because of a big mental impairment ive dealt with since I was born; social anxiety. Social anxiety has made me isolate myself from others through the years and now I lack the basic social skills for someone my age. I find it hard to communicate with anyone in real life and because of my speech impediment (created by years of not talking regularly) and people can barely understand me when I do talk(if I ever talk at all). Because of my social anxiety I have no friends, neither do I have any past experiences with people to draw upon in terms of relationships or basic human interaction. The only person I have is myself so ive turned into that strange guy who talks to himself on the street.

    It is hard for me to get a job because of my poor communication skills so for that reason I am currently unemployed and have never been employed in my life. I doubt I could get a job better than being a janitor but even most of those jobs require that you have a driver's license and that is something I do not have either. I can't drive because I have poor reactions times and every time I get behind the wheel I drift off and daydream-which is basically an accident waiting to happen.

    I currently live with my parents but I just know some day I am going to be homeless. Ive thought about it alot and I KNOW its going to happen. When I imagine myself on the street dirty and walking the streets it feels like I am looking into the future. I do not want the life of a homeless man because I know that homeless people live on the street, and the street does not care about the homeless. The homeless are treated as punching bags where I come from. In my area a man was beaten to death by teens because he was a homeless man and could not defend himself.

    I know who I am, I know where I am headed. That is why yesterday I told myself to make a choice between life and death. After the choice was made I was to stick with it. I chose death because its the most logical decision. Today however, I am not confident about my choice because I wonder if I can go through with killing myself. My hesitance to kill myself comes from fear. I fear what will happen if I am not successful. I fear the pain that the my method of suicide will bring to my body. I fear for the person who might find my dead body afterward. I fear my family's reaction. I fear the process of drying-for example ive heard stories of people convulsing and going into seizures when they try to hang themselves.

    Behind my fear there is an intense desire to die. There is apart of me that considers death a victory and life an obstacle that has to be overcome to reach death. In my view there are so many benefits of a victory(death). When I think of the benefits that death brings I feel compelled to kill myself but fear gets in the way. Even when I focus on the benefits of death the fear still lingers and leaves me immobile.

    There was a time in my life when I imagined myself being a little child and hanging myself at the school playground. I thought "why didn't I kill myself then?" Of course if I killed myself then I wouldn't be in the position I am today. It would have hurt to commit suicide then as its going to hurt now so sometimes I think it would have been better to have gotten it out of the way by now. I refuse to be 30 still stuck wondering why I didn't take care of myself when I was in my 20s. I refuse for that to happen so some way, some how this has to get done.
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