Suicide note

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iona_cullen, Jan 6, 2008.

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  1. iona_cullen

    iona_cullen Member

    I know a lot of you are feeling alone and depressed with no hope at all left. I've spent my whole life also feeling like that, but somehow have managed to struggle on existing. I mean existing...not living. I'm pretty sure you know what I mean.
    The purpose for me writing, is that even though I have survived where others wouldn't, and many people think i'm a strong person. I fear that is no longer the case. I have reached the point of no return. I can no longer find a reason to live, for we are all doomed to die as it is. I know i sound morbid, and for that i am sorry. I just feel as if I have no other option.
    I have tried voicing my feelings to peers and have visited many counsellors and psychiatrists. But they fail to do anything for me. I don't want to feel like this, but as a hard as I try I continue to do so. I guess the point of me posting, is that I want to just write my feelings down and feel as if one person at least is listening. I want to feel that I have let one person know how I feel honestly. No more pretending. Thank you for reading :)

    I have grown up with an abusive father to both my mother and I. I am one of three children, however, I was the only child to suffer abusive attacks from my dad. The main reason i believe for this, is that I always stood up for my mother, whereas my brother and sister would smartly stand by my dad. Every night I would listen to my mother cry and hep her with bruises-often sacrificing myself in her place. I longed for her to leave my dad, but there was always a reason that she would find to stay. By the time I was 14, I had enough of suffering all the types of abuse my father would do to me. and one night i told my family that if my father ever touched me again i was going to leave. No one believed me, but my mother said she would leave too if i did.
    i was such a coward and couldn't cope with the stress of living at home, and filled with the hope that i could live happily ever after...i left home after my father came at me with a knife!
    On the day I left, there were no foster homes available. so instead of returning home because i was too scared, i moved in with my older boyfriend. This was a major mistake for me as i left replaced one hell with another. He took away more of my innocence and i felt obliged to do what he wanted so i would have a roof over my head. when this too, became too much for me i ran away back home to my family. my father had supposedly changed and was a better man.
    how wrong i was to believe such a thing. Instead of having to cope with as much physical abuse, my father was more emotionally abusive. he took away every ounce of self repect i had left. The social services had been keeping track on my progress at school and noticed i wasn't coping. so a year later, they forcefully took me away from home. i have never forgiven them. my family blamed me for leaving and refused to acknowledge my existance. I lived in over 5 differen't homes during my GCSE year, and somehow managed to get 11 Cs and above!!! i kept believing that my mother would my dad, or that he would change. NEITHER HAPPENED! MY MOTHER HAD CHOSEN THAT MAN OVER ME. It is only these past few months that i have tried to come to terms with that and move on.
    in the mean time, in order to survive in this hell, i took drugs, smoked and drank myself silly. trying to block out all pain. i was raped, and sexually and physically abused by a few boyfriends too. I attempted suicide several times and each time i failed. i believed that i was to blame for all this pain and turmoil i was in. however, somehow i was still existing. the belief that my mother would choose me is all that kept me going. I also wanted to proove my father wrong and worked very hard acaedemically and somehow got three excellent A levels. none of these achievments impressed him though, so i strived harder and harder. until i reached where i am now.
    I am in my first year of medical school, training to be a doctor in Plymouth Univeristy. Most parents would be proud, but not mine. I didnt even get a congradualtions. I now realise that I wanted to be a doctor for the wrong reasons. this isnt the career for me. however, i am the only foster child in Wales who got into medical school, and have to cope with the stress that i get from the social services, who have spent alot of money on me.
    My mother doesnt love me half as much as i thought she did, if she does at all. they all seem better off without me. my fiancee and i broke up because of the long distance. im doing a course which i dont want to do. i feel isolated, depressed and confused. i am constantly tired and see no reason to live. except that i am terrified of failing suicide again. i have given up. stopped going to lectures. i sit in my room and cry all day every day. i need to end it somehow, as there is no reason to live any more.

    anyway, im sorry for blabbering away. Take care.

  2. Leth

    Leth Member

    In my mind, Miss, you are certainly no coward - quite the opposite in fact. You stood up to your abusive father when no one else would. You have suffered a lot and I can only think that I understand your pain. If you are in your first year of med school, you are obviously intelligent too. That's another thing you have going for you in this world. I realize you have a ton of pain inside, but there are many positive things about you that you should consider too. I read your thread and listened and will say a prayer for you tonight.

  3. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    I agree, it is quite absurd to call yourself a coward when you are contrary of the term.
    You're definitely not alone, I fully understand the way you feel and hold similar feelings.

    I don't cry per say. But I know that despair...that emptiness.
    Your not alone. If you need someone to talk to...look no further.
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