Suicide Note

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tappa, Jan 31, 2011.

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  1. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    Jus wanted to know wat ppl think of this goodbye message?
    Want it to show how much i care and take blame away from anyone else..

    <Mod Edit, WildCherry: removed suicide note>
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2011
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    How about rather than putting your efforts in to a note you put your efforts in to reaching out for help.

    I would hope that being as though this is a pro life forum you wont get given advice on what to write.

    What is going on with you and why do you feel the need to take your own life?

    Tell us what is going on.

  3. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    I have tried to get help. i have plenty of docs and support and ppl that i see. plenty of ppl i can ring..but they jus turn up..promise u that 'it will get better' and then leave..and i stil feel just as shit as before. they cant change anything. i am havin cbt once a week. and thats basically my only hope. but its guna take atleast 20 sessions. 20weeks! of holding on!!??!!! !!! How.?!
    basically they tel me to put all my eggs in one basket so to speak and hope and pray it changes the way i think.
    But i cant handle my self hatred anymore. even the person i love cant make me feel better anymore. i jus feel bad cus they love me and its just a waste.
    i feel utterly hopeless.
    i physically cant stand being me anymore.
    I spend everyday going to work and pretending to be this happy go lucky person.
    everythin is meaningless.
    and i want nothing more than to die.
  4. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    You're right that they can't change anything. It's your life, only you can change it. I'm going through a tough time right now too. What you have you to do is just sit down and weigh your options. How can you change that which is stopping you from leading a happy life? Write them down if you have to. You can't just sit back and expect things to change, you have to brainstorm...make a plan of action (and hopefully not suicide). Take little steps if you have to. Even if they can't solve anything right away, at least you're on your way to a solution. It's much better than doing nothing at all. 20 sessions is a while, but take it day by day. Don't think about it. If I started thinking about the fact that I probably have 5 or 6 years of school left, while I'm having a hard as hell time just showing up to class right now, of course I'm going to feel like I'll never make it. And all that will do is make me want to give up. You can't try to deal with the future. Just deal with right now -- today. And deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. I doubt that the comfort of the person you love is going to waste. Even if it's not making anything particularly better, just think of how you would be if you didn't have that person in your life supporting you at all. You'd be much worse wouldn't you? I know that sometimes when my fiance compliments me and tells me what a great person I am, mind doesn't believe any of it is true. But even if it doesn't believe it, it still acknowledges it. I may not think I'm pretty, but it sure as hell makes me feel better deep down that he's saying it. I may say something like "No, I'm not..." but the compliment doesn't go to waste. It registers deep down. I know that having to pretend like you're happy is no fun, but it's just what we have to do sometimes when we go to work or we lose our jobs because people start complaining. At work, yes, you have to pretend sometimes because your financial stability and survival is dependent on that. But wherever it's not necessary, fuck people. Act however you feel. If some random person smiles at you on the street and you feel like hell, you don't have to smile back and pretend. In fact, I wouldn't recommend it because it'll probably make you feel worse. People are too ignorant to mind their own business, and you don't have to be polite to those who can't do so.
  5. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    i tx the person i love askin how they feelin and they sed shit so i asked wats up wana tlk and they sed time out. so i sed u wana b left alone yea..and they sed yes please.
    So tempting to take that and run with it. its not their fault they feel shit too. but like they pretty much the only reason i stay here. and i cant even help them wen they feel down. and they dnt need me around so..

    as for ur reply. thanks btw. but i dont no wat needs to change its jus the way i think about myself. there r things i cud do to make things feel better for me like exercise mainly. i've tried but within a week i give up then i feel so much worse. i cant stick to my 'plans of action'

    i jus feel so totally useless. and its only me tht can get me outa this place. which makes it that much more hopeless.
  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Sometimes my fiance wants to be left alone too when he feels bad. And I know how upsetting that is. It makes me feel like he doesn't like/need me. But some people just prefer to deal with their problems on their own. I need someone there to comfort me, I can't deal with my feelings on my own. But not all people are like that...I mean, there have been times when he told me to leave him alone and then the next morning everything was fine again and he'd apologize for making me feel bad, saying he didn't mean to, but just needed some time to himself. Trust me, my fiance is the only reason that I live, too. And when he wants to be left alone I feel like I have I want to die. But you have to keep reminding yourself that nothing is wrong, it's not you, and they'll get over it and everything will be okay again.

    There are always many things you can do to change the situation you are in. Exercising more is good, but you can think bigger than that too. Think of a goal that you really want to achieve and decide what you need to do to work towards it. Maybe there are some things in your life that you need to just avoid or stop doing because they are taking too much of a toll on your mental health. Or maybe there are things you don't do that you should do, like treating yourself to something fun that you enjoy once in a while -- like buying something you really want, or getting a manicure/pedicure/massage/spa treatment...or whatever, you know? Just boost your self-esteem and make you happy. Even if it's only temporary and you'll just go back to feeling bad again the next day...some relief once in a while is good. If you have enough coping mechanisms, or enough distractions from the negativity, it can help a lot. But if you don't do anything about it, it's going to end up taking over.
  7. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    I dont want anything anymore. gone past caring. the only reason i want money is to support the one i love and make their dreams come true.
    but they r fine without me.
    and i dont do any bad shit, dnt drink dnt smoke dnt do drugs. only insignificant goals i have wud b to get fit for the one i love and to go bk to karate (i havent bin in a yr this month :( ) ...both of which involve exercising. but even tho they the only things i even slightly want..its not enough motivation. i jus dnt care.
    and funnily enuf i went on a spa weekend wiv my mum last weekend. had an amazin massage, but the nx day i was tight again! nothing boosts my self-esteem im too damn negative.
    its so bad i jus tested my method and works perfectly and wen i next went past a mirror i looked in it and wen i think of my method and wat im guna do i can smile and look at myself with some degree of tht sick?
  8. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    This is a list of distracting / pleasurable activities you can do, from my DBT Workbook. I want you to pick at least one today and do it, okay?

    - Go for a long walk in the park or someplace else that's peaceful
    - Watch the clouds (Did you know that Rorschach got the idea for the inkblot test when he saw his daughters watching cloud formations and discussing what the shapes looked like? :cloud9:)
    - Go for a drive in your car or go for a ride on public transportation
    - Sleep or take a nap
    - Eat your favorite ice cream
    - Cook your favorite dish or meal, or a recipe you've never tried before
    - Go out for something to eat
    - Go outside and watch the birds or other animals
    - Read comics
    - Watch a funny movie
    - Do a puzzle with a lot of pieces
    - Go shopping
    - Get a haircut/ dye your hair
    - Go to a bookstore or library and read
    - Go to your favorite cafe for coffee or tea
    - Visit a museum
    - Go to the mall or park and watch people; try to image what they are thinking
    - Learn a new language
    - Call someone you haven't spoken to in a long time
    - Listen to music
    - Work outside
    - Knit, crochet, or sew...or learn how to
    - Make a scrapbook with pictures
    - Paint your nails
    - Take a bubble bath or shower
    - Read your favorite book or magazine
    - Write a poem, story, movie, or play
    - Write in a journal
    - Make a list of 10 things you're good at or that you like about yourself
    - Draw or paint
    - Make a list of 10 things you'd like to do before you die
    - Write a letter to someone who has made your life better and tell them why (you don't have to send it)
    - Clean your room or house/ clean out your closet
    - Organize books, CDs, movies, etc.

    Here are also some distress tolerance skills:

    - Instead of hurting yourself, hold ice cubes in your hands. The sensation from the cold ice is very numbing and distracting.
    - Snap a rubber band on your wrist
    - Dig your fingernails into your arm without breaking the skin
    - Draw faces of people you hate on balloons then pop them
    - Write letters to people you hate or who have hurt you. Tell them what they did and why you hate them.
    - Throw rolled up socks or pillows against the wall as hard as you can
    - Scream as loud as you can into a pillow
    - Make a voodoo doll of someone you don't like

    I really hope that one or more of these can help you. They're not much help for fixing your life, only you can do that...but they're at least helpful for the moment. Maybe doing one of these things will help you calm down enough or get enough energy to sit down and think about what you can do to help make your life better. :hug:
  9. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    They are not fine without you. If they were fine without you, they wouldn't be with you. If you don't have enough motivation to exercise that's something you have enough motivation for. Pick something from the list I gave you :) Something is bound to boost your self-esteem a little bit. I don't believe that absolutely nothing can. And no that's not sick. When I planned my suicide last year, I felt very content and happy knowing I had a way out. I know how you feel. I understand why you'd want to have suicide as a back-up plan. But don't use that back-up plan unless you absolutely have no other options...and right now I'm sure you have plenty, you just need to brainstorm. At the very least, you have someone you love and who loves you back. That's a big reason not to give up right there.
  10. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    They aint with me! lol says it all i spose. they in a relationship wiv someone else, they jus love me. they need stability so for their sanity cant leave their relationship atm. but they love me apparently. meh.
    in a way im glad they wiv the other person cus i know deep down if we were together they wud realise they dont love me. they jus love the idea of being wiv me. they way too gd for me one day they'll realise tht. until then, i love em more thn life itself. and i no the situation is a lil complicated, i jus appreciated the nice feelin i get wen tlkin to em , wiv em, thinkin bout em and watever.
    wen ur a dick like me u take wat ya can get haha :p
    Am listening to Pink's new song atm. tis gd, duno if helpin but tis gd.
    And ur right if it wasnt for ppl tht love me i wud of left yrs ago.
    Jus feel like im goin insane.
    Y am i such a dick. Y do i get stuck in this person. wat am i being punished for? i've only ever tried doing gd stuf and being nice.
    Nothing bad has ever happened but im stil a dick and cant b happy.
    Just wish i cud have a personality transplant.
    wana scream my fuckin lungs out.
    cant even do tht, fam wil b home in like 20mins...then i gta pretend to b ok agen..
    jus gettin closer and closer to using my 'last resort' as u put it. i can feel it
  11. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    That's extremely unhealthy for you to be in a situation like that :( You're basically willing to deal with all the bad as long as you can have some of the good that comes along with it too. Why can't they leave the relationship due to stability, when they can start one with you and have that same stability? And by telling yourself that someone is better than you, you're just putting yourself down and there's no need to do that. You feel bad enough as it a little bit more kind to yourself. I've been through a lot of shit with relationships and what I've learned is that unless they love you as much as you love them and are willing to give you as much as you give them (without you having to ask for it), it's not going to work out. Please, don't stick around in this type of situation just because you think you can't have a mutual loving relationship. If you want to talk about "taking what you can get", you can get a lot more than you think, your mind is just not allowing you to believe that. Do not settle. You're worth more than that...but if you don't let anyone show it to you, you'll never be able to see it.
  12. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    yea i totally get what ur saying, my friends have said similar.
    but the person i am in love with has been depressed for a lot longer than i have. she has had a few extremely damaging relationships in the past couple years. the guy she is with now is 5 years older than us so has a flat a car a stable job etc.. they go to the same uni, doing the same course, she gets a lift with him to uni etc. they share all the same uni friends. she jus wants things not to get messy. she recently moved out of her accomodation and in with him too. but the more she with him the more she falling out of love with him. he's a complete jerk they have nothing in common, they dnt have any similar future dreams, he's not the person she thought he was and vice-versa.
    im kinda jus guna see wat happens in the summer cus she wants to continue her course in another county (like another state), he doesnt wana go with.
    At the end of the day i love this girl more than life itself. i'd do anything to make her happy, big or small. i dont want her having anymore stress than absolutely necessary. so i not puttin any pressure on her to b wiv me. (i wuldnt do tht anyway cus i dont want her giving up someone else for me and it being a mistake). she has become aggrophobic this year too and suffers really bad with anxiety so why wud i b selfish and make her choose.
    Im not stupid, im not in a relationship with her. im just in love with her. but at the end of the day im just her friend. jus a reli bloody gd one lol. i dont care how much it hurts to b close one min and distant the next. aslong as shes ok. que sera sera as to if we become an item.
    like i've sed numerous times i dont like to think about the fact she loves me cus i think its impossible to do so and wen i do think it maybe tru it jus makes me feel guilty about me plannin my suicide.
    anyways yea theres the explaination on tht!
  13. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Well if this is serious and you truly believe that there is no one else for you, fight to be with her. I know what it's like to know that you can't survive without somebody...that's how I feel about my fiance. So, if this is the case for you, all I can say is just don't give up. But my advice is only good if, like I said, you know there is no one else for you. If you think that even for a minute you can survive without her or move on, the best option would be to do so.
  14. Darkness Inside

    Darkness Inside Account Closed

    There is a chance for change. 17 lovely years I've lived, which pretty much sucked but there is a change, I'm on medication now. wooo, but it does make a difference with it I don't feel depressed anymore don't hear voices or see things anymore. I'm changing my life for the better.
  15. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    i know wat ur sayin but its not even like tht for me. i've never been one to need a relationship or someone to love. so when i fell in love with her its kinda annoying cus its usually a feeling i wud ignore. i just cant with her. its crazy.
    i think about dying everyday and i got everything planned out and such. the only life i can ever see for myself is one with her. ..even that has lost its importance.
    Its not her, or my fam or friends or anyone. they all great. brilliant. wonderful ppl.
    Its me thats the problem. always has been. the way i think. wat goes on in my head. like u sed earlier to be a little nicer to myself..thats virtually impossible!! and its this whole out of control self hatred thing that makes holding on for any possible life more and more unbearable...
  16. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    darkness i've been on loads of different meds and they dont affect me at all. only hope i got is my cbt but tht guna take forEVER
  17. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    It's not impossible to be nicer to yourself. Maybe when you feel like you screwed something up it is, but otherwise, I'm sure there's at least one thing that you like about yourself. If you hated everything about yourself, I don't think you'd be here.

    I think differently too. A lot of the things that bother and upset me, don't bother anybody else and it makes me feel like I'm some sort of freak. But someone who loves you will accept how you think...even if they don't quite understand or agree with it. But most importantly, YOU need to accept how you think. If you keep hating yourself for being different, even though you can't change who you are, it's not going to help you any. I've learned to embrace my differences from other people in how I think. It's hard sometimes, especially when nobody else agrees with me, and I find myself hurting really badly when something affects me, and just wishing that I didn't give a shit like everyone else. But even though I go through a lot more pain than other people because I DO give a shit, I think I'm a better person for it. They say that the more pain somebody goes through, the more intelligent and open-minded that person is. People who don't know pain are ignorant.

    Why don't you tell me what exactly you hate yourself for? Maybe your brain is just so used to thinking that you hate yourself, that you've forgotten why.
  18. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Sounds like she is the first women you have fell for this deeply?

    Looking back, if I'd have killed myself over the first women I felt that way about - boy it would have been a big mistake of epic proportions!

    If a women leaves you for another man - you are best to write it all off. Of course, for a while you might get that destructive anger that comes from losing a women. You might also turn into the 'just good friends' mode which is worse as you'll be a shoulder for her to cry on after she spends all night rocking and rolling with some other man.

    Do you want to be that shoulder?

    I'd say it would be a nail in the coffin for any potential relationship. You have to let a women know your not interested in being JGF. She can find some other chump to read horoscopes with and cry the blues. It's all or nothing sometimes. You cannot be friends with a women you love without getting the love.

    My advise bro is to keep on living. You might be a man who needs a women but its not good at your young age to get hung up on any one particular women. You had the confidence to ask this women out and I'm sure another women might have been appreciative of your efforts. She was not, but that's her loss. Leave her to make her mistakes, don't even think about following events there and concentrate on getting yourself into a better frame of mind through your karate.

    Thank God you have that Karate, because therein lies an easy ready made technique of eliminating all the toxic stress from your body.

    You'll find another women dude.

    And, maybe, if she has an older sister. Way older or maybe her mother.

    Anyhow, you sort yourself out first before you think of you buddy peavelovingguy and his love life.

    There are things happening in the world worth living for. Just to see the changes that will come, ah, if only we knew. Good luck anyhow. Forget any 'plans' to do anything apart from getting yourself into shape.

    In a few months, me and you, we'll be laughing as we have a few summer romances and enjoy maybe a festival or two.

    To better days!
  19. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    Cheers for the replies guys ..
    tooshytoscream, Right now, stronger than ever before i do hate EVERYTHING about myself. Thats why i created my method and all tht. Last nite wasnt the right time there are a few loose ends i culdnt leave. but im stil so desperately on the verge.
    I know deep down somewhere there is a tiny bit of me that wants to be kinder to myself but it really does feel as close as it can get to impossible without it being statisically true. Im not sure why i hate myself, the realistic reasons sort of faded a couple years ago. now i jus hate ANYTHING about me for the sake of it. but its not as simple as tht. hating myself is carved into every cell membrane in my body. it feels like part of my dna. its jus so unnatural to like me. i accept me. a total failure. anything less that horrific is jus not bad enough. Im not sure where it has come from but i suppose its safe to think this way. im not used to anything else.
    But when i see how unrealistic my thinking patterns are i want to change them but when it comes to actually trying to believe something nice about myself i jus cant do it. its jus not tru so i cant believe it.

    And peacelovingguy cheers for the advice yea i've never felt for someone like this ever. i said to myself when my depression turned severe that i would never be in a relationship with someone when im like this. its not fair on them. But she makes me feel completely relaxed and myself (and i dont even no hu that is) but no matter what i am accepted when im around her. i love the girl (and i really dont use tht word often) but as far as us being together goes..i try not to think about it. she's with someone else so i have to tell myself we are just good friends. i know we're not, she's like my friggin soulmate..but for the black and whiteness of the situation. friends. I know the advice is to move on and forget about her but i cant. even as a friend. shes just a great person and makes me smile.
    As for concentrating on the karate.. :( ..i cant get myself fit :'( it tears me apart. i cant motivate myself into action. even if i use the girl as my reason to want to be fit..nada. :( This really gets to me as i know being fit would make me i tiny bit happier

    Still totally in limbo atm about this whole suicide thing. i crave to disappear so bad. i wish i could win the lottery just so i could literally runaway for a few years and go whereever until i mayb felt better. haha. wud b nice eh...i dont even do the lottery! :/
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