Suicide on my 30th birthday

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mollyc1983, Jul 30, 2013.

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  1. Mollyc1983

    Mollyc1983 Member

    I made a pact with myself, feb 2011, that if things didn't improve that I would kill myself. <mod edit - timeline> 30 seemed fitting for some reason. However, I'm really scared that I will actually be successful. I attempted last Christmas and coded in the ER. I know I can do it and the [MOD EDIT - METHODS]. Nothing has improved since and doesn't look like it will. Someone provide me with encouragement. You know that saying that things don't last forever and if you hold on long enough you'll see that things will change? I'm not seeing that anywhere in my near future. I've lost all hope and fight. The only thing stopping me is the devestation it will cause my parents. I saw what it did last time and I don't want to put them through having to bury their daughter. That and the possibility of going to hell. I am a Christian but would rather be put out of my misery than spend one more day here.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 30, 2013
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I don't believe there is any "right time" based on age or events. Times change, people change, circumstances change, feelings change. Remember those things you loved or hated as a child that are different loves and hates today? You changed, and so did your interests. One should never make any decisions that cannot be reversed. On your other part of the topic, I am a father who had to cope with the loss of my son through suicide. They say you get over these things, but those who say it must never have lived through such an event. My heart is forever broken.

    List the things that you feel you have not achieved to gain improvement, and then design a roadmap to wellness with goals along the way. Beat the depression and come out winning, or at least a survivor.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 30, 2013
  3. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Hi Mollyc1983. I am so very sorry things are hard and that you have such pain. I hope someone here is able to provide you a tiny ray of hope so that you change your mind and past resolve. I'm sure the date would be extremely hard on your folks because that date is very special to them right now. That's the date God gave them their treasure to love and care for. I'm fairly sure they do treasure you and want you to experience all the joys that we're meant to know on this earth.

    As a Christian you probably know, and maybe have a hard time accepting this but, if you have accepted Christ as your savior NOTHING you do will revoke God's love for and acceptance of you. I know many will have a cow that I'm saying these things - and when we're so lost in our dark nights of the soul it is hard to believe or receive that truth but it is true no matter how we feel.

    This is a choice you must wrestle with but I hope you find a reason to stick with us beyond 8/3/13. I would hope God gives you hope and a vision for your life that keeps you around beyond 8/3/2113! ;). You are precious to God and to your parents and probably to several others on this planet. It's just hard to see or believe it when life is so very, very dark sometimes.

    And for those who think we're supposed to be perfect and happy because we're believers, the reality is we're all fallen, broken hearted souls who need love and kindness and grace. God found me, again, at the edge of the abyss and He has been gently bringing me along for well over a year. I struggle like everyone else here and some will judge me but I want to believe I am still here for a reason just as I believe you are.

    Be kind to yourself Molly. God Bless You! ♥
     
  4. Mollyc1983

    Mollyc1983 Member

    Wow I can't thank you enough for your reply. It's so good to hear it from the parent's perspective. That's exactly what I needed to hear. I guess encouragement really isn't the key here, it's realizing what you're going to miss out on and how your actions affect other people. I realize now that it's a selfish choice and I have no right to take my own life as it's been given to me by the very people it will affect. I will do what you said about making a list of goals and a way to achieve them. A few min ago, I made a list of the things I'm grateful for and tried to get rid of the negative thoughts of things that have already happened and I cannot change them. Thank you again!
     
  5. Mollyc1983

    Mollyc1983 Member

    I couldn't have said it better. There's a reason my life was spared. I know it was purely divine intervention. I won't do it, I don't want to. It seems like a cowardly way out of this earth that would cause far too much damage than good. Who am I to just up and leave the only people who've loved me unconditionally? The more I think about it, the more I don't want to do it. Thank you SO much for your incredibly thoughtful answer!
     
  6. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    Molly, I private messaged you and hopefully it went through but I wasn't sure. I am glad to see you taking some of the advice here. All the best.
     
  7. Mollyc1983

    Mollyc1983 Member

    I just replied to your message! Thank you! :)
     
  8. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    Dont attempt again. You have lost hope. Have faith in God and have hope that things will improve. Lie has its ups and downs. There is no guarantee of going to hell or heaven. It is possible that death is the end and there is nothing after it. But why dwell on death. Let us dwell of life and let us struggle to make things better and live life. Let us not dwell on death. Let us not attempt any more...
     
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