I made a pact with myself, feb 2011, that if things didn't improve that I would kill myself. <mod edit - timeline> 30 seemed fitting for some reason. However, I'm really scared that I will actually be successful. I attempted last Christmas and coded in the ER. I know I can do it and the [MOD EDIT - METHODS]. Nothing has improved since and doesn't look like it will. Someone provide me with encouragement. You know that saying that things don't last forever and if you hold on long enough you'll see that things will change? I'm not seeing that anywhere in my near future. I've lost all hope and fight. The only thing stopping me is the devestation it will cause my parents. I saw what it did last time and I don't want to put them through having to bury their daughter. That and the possibility of going to hell. I am a Christian but would rather be put out of my misery than spend one more day here.