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Suicide or cry for help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Aug 16, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure where to post this.

    I'm not about to go and end my life, yes the feelins of death are still there but not as intense as they have been, maybe its contentment because I can control when I die. When I saw the pysicaitrist last week, he asked if my suicide attempts where cries for help, initial reaction NO I wanted and want to die...He went over the suicide attempts, the first one...cry for help, anger, or wanting to die...thinking back to the time, it was a spontanous reaction...it was anger. The second one...wasn't sure..but I guess life had become unbearable and it was possibly a cry for help as I live to tell the tale.. He went on asking, until he came to the attempt last Sunday Nite/Monday Morning...I told him it was planned..But I couldn't do it, I could hurt people I care for...he said it was a cry for help, maybe it was...

    Does this mean I don't want to die, I just want help ~ But how can I get help when i can't communicate how I'm feeling, I can only show by actions? Yes, I am "lucky" as I'm seeing a pyschotherapist and pyschiatrist, but they can only be as good as I let them, they can only help me if I help me....But how, when I feel like a broken record, saying I can't cope with Life, I feel lonely, I'm sad, I have nothing that entertains me, nothing to live for..I want to die..how can they help me?
  2. RunningAway

    RunningAway Well-Known Member

    Hello :)

    Whether it is a cry for help or anger or suicide attempt for real - the pain is the same. It does not belittle how you feel and what is happening. Perhaps understanding the motives will enable you to move forward with it though :hug: We all react differently to extreme stress and pain. Perhaps your psychotherapist and psychiatrist will be able to help you more as both you and they become to know you and your feelings a little better. There are no easy answers - the human brain is the most complicated organ in the body. But talking and having people listen is often helpful and both they and we are here to do that :hug:

    I am about if you ever want to talk :)
  3. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your reply. You are right, the pain is immense, and I can't communicate how It feels.... I wrote this and plan on showing it to my counsellor to see if she can help, but at the moment, I just feel like I'm living because I have to not because I want to.

    So you were once a child…as that child you saw violence, you were made to do things by someone you trusted, someone you love, someone who would never hurt you. You have these feelings but what are these feelings? Your being hurt, but its not the usual kids fighting stuff, someone is hurting you…so how do you respond?

    You have these feelings but you don’t know what to do with them, so you shut them down and become unattached to the world. Your being hurt but can’t express this hurt, so you start hurting other children at school by starting fights, you become that child that everyone says is hyper (if adhd was known..!!).

    But still no1 releases, so your behaviour gets worse…how can communicate to someone what’s happening, how can you communicate to someone how your feeling ~ You find other ways, you become destructive in class, the child psychologist is brought in, referred to family counselling…the diagnosis, a hyperactive child whose responding to her fathers violent behaviour…but the violent behaviour was not aimed at her, so how can that be…he never hit her, he loved her, so why would she be responding to violence with violence…..no answer….another child left to find ways to communicate what’s happening and what she’s feeling.

    Goes to secondary school, surly someone will help communicate these feelings….don’t ask as I don’t know, don’t ask what’s happening as I don’t know, unable to communicate using words because you really don’t know.

    First day at secondary school, in a safe environment won’t be hurt here, 3rd year approches and tries to control this girl, she responds the only way she knows how, and she beats her up…She won’t be controlled, but why won’t she let this girl control her but outside she’s being hurt and controlled.

    Year 7, and bullying a year 11 student, because she’s different…it takes the attention away from her, nobody will start on her, nobody will bully her she now has a status in her life, everyone wants to be her friend and not her enemy..but its all false, she’s crying out and but nobody seems to realise what’s happening. She walks the narrow edge of the music block, 60ft high, stands there, looks down to the open playing field, she can see Eltham Hill, she can freedom…and now she see’s her older sister.

    Off to behaviour school she does, the whole of year 8 working with child psychologists, and having one on one teaching..finally someone might here….she’s making progress, back into mainstream school.

    Year 9, first day on report, behaviour is back to how it was, violent, reacting out, getting blamed for things she never done..nobody understands, not ever her what’s happening, if only she could communicate what’s happening maybe then somebody would understand, but she’s let it go on too long now, now she’s just a trouble maker. Exclusions all the time, ends up on part time school in year 11..referred to see a school counsellor, last one session as the women tells her, Your mum tells me you were you Dad’d favourite, those words again, Your Dad’s favourite…..this women is the same as everybody else ~ she heard what she wanted to from her mum, she had already made her mind up, the reason for this girls behavioural problems is because her father was violent, and because she was a daddys girl, and her daddy walked out of her life aged 6… so she walks out of the room, doesn’t look back and continues her life for a few weeks. She’s excluded again, fighting and threatening behaviour, she gets home life is unbearable she knows what awaits when Mum gets home..she runs to her room, lays on her bed, takes out the paracetmol and swollows them, not thinking of anything but to end this pain…but she’s woken up with a slap around the face, and being pulled by the hair down 3 flights of stairs… Why can’t nobody see what’s happening, why.

    If only she could communicate and not act, maybe someone out there would be able to help this girl…but 13 years later, the communication is still shut down, the actions are still louder, but still she can’t reach out.
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