Suicide plan? Check.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ordep, Sep 22, 2009.

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  1. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Jut wanted to say this here, my siucide plan is all set and ready for execution whenever I want.

    I had a lousy day at school. Those who know my story know obsessively in love I am with my ex and how that's killing me because I can't even come neat her. Today, like all days, I saw her, and she actually glanced at me for a second...

    I know her very well, she knows me very well. We spent 4 years knowing eachother to the smallest detail. She knows how I think, how to read my signs, how to read my face, etc. And I know just as much about her.

    And in that small eye to eye contact we had I realized she knows about me, she knows I wanna die most of all. No one told her anything but she knows it all. But that's not the bad part, the bad part is that I saw no sorrow or even pity in her eyes. I saw disgust. She's disgust at my weakness for going down like that.

    And how did I cope with the effects from those 3 seconds? I fell even more depressed and willing to die. Then before I knew it I was seeing possible places to jump and thinking of the odds of sucess vs. failure, likelyness of surviving but being unable to move, etc etc. I already know what should be the best place and how to get there. (During the night, will tell parents I'm going with friends to the pub, even tough I have no friends, then I go to the place and since cars rarely go that road, even during the day, there should be no disturbances).

    Only thing I'm planning keeping on me (besides the clothes) is the letter my ex sent me to make the break up "Official" cause, let's cut the bs, it's not having her that's killing me. Everyone will get the picture.

    Now I'm planning on writting individual letters for a few people next, maybe even tomorrow. I also wanna leave a will so my greedy father doesn't hoard all my belongings to sell them on ebay. I'm actually leaving all my money (and it's quite a few thousand euros) to be shared between my only friend and my ex. No way I want that bastard near my money.

    Once that's all done, I'm all set. I'm more convinced of doing this than ever...

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    i guess i just cant understand why you would want to take your life because of a relationship that didnt work. seems pretty drastic to me.

    it has to make me wonder why there isnt any future for yourself without this one person.
    how can life be that empty? i can understand how upsetting this can be. but i dont understand how it will stop you from continuing on with your life.
    she is. in some ways its a crazy idea to commit suicide because the relationship didnt work.

    why would you want to deny yourself a future and why would you want to show her weakness ? sometimes, its even better to show them how well you have moved on without them.

    your life simply isnt worth wasting because of a failed relationship. there will be others as long as you can keep your mind open.

  3. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I'd be an idiot if I went so down because of a woman... no, you don't have all the information and got it all wrong.

    It's quite the other way actually, it's because I don't have her support that all my other problems destroy me. While we were friends and dated she kept me up and made all the other crap in my life seem tolerable. But now the only thing that kept me going is actually pulling me down too (as I said, I'm obsessively in love with her and I tried to let go for over a year, to no avail)

    What other crap is that I talk about? Well I'll just have to link you to my old post...
    that explains it all in detail

    And if you're wondering just how low is my obsession with her, I tried to explain in another post here:

    "Yes, I love my ex, not only as a woman but also as a friend. If I only had her as a friend I wouldn't be here. I could take all the rest of the crap with a smile if she was still around, she always knew me well, and knew how to push my buttons in a right away. I'd never go this down if she was still around, now I'm obsessed with her I think. I keep having flashbacks from times gone by, I daydream about those days, I still keep pictures of her, I still keep her letters, I still keep preety much any memorabilia I have of her, I keep track of her myspace just to try to get at least a small idea of how she's doing (even tough I see her everyday)... I know, this is stupid and I'm sure it'll be my downfall. If I suicide, I'm preety sure she'll be in my last thoughts, if not because it's the last, then because seriously, she's on most of them..."

    I'm not gonna lie, this is currently the problem in my life that hurts the most, but still, if it was the only one I'd be marginally ok. Today she was the trigger for what happened, but that's not the only gun.
  4. shefallsasleep

    shefallsasleep Well-Known Member

    I think know how you feel.
    I got obsessed with my ex when he broke up with me, but I reacted in a different way, I threw all memories away but I couldnt stop contacting him, I would do anything I could to find out what he was doing, who he was with, any girls he start fancying, I used to ring him over and over again, and text him 100's of times a day even if he didnt reply which he mostly didnt. The same thing has happened again, I tried so hard to stop it but it is starting again with my most recent ex (and i was with this one for longer and we lived together), I know its pushing him away but I can't stop. Everyone says "theres plenty more fish in the sea" etc but I dont want anyone else, I want what I had with him.
  5. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I guess we're preety much on the same boat but reacting in different ways. I didn't contact her ever since I understood she didn't want to talk to me anymore, I respect her too much to do any different so I just suffer in silence.
  6. shefallsasleep

    shefallsasleep Well-Known Member

    There must be a part of you that is very strong if you are able to not contact her, I know it is no consilation but that is something I wish I was able to do. I know he doesn't want to talk to me, but I find it unbearable to keep all my emotions and thoughts in, I know he will forget about me if I leave him alone. I feel like I take a few steps forward every couple of days, then a million steps back all the other days
  7. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I was destroyed inside when my first marriage broke up. I couldn't face life without him. Then one day I realized I was going to have to love him without him knowing it. It kept me in the positive even though I was still hurting.

    We married again a few years later and the same thing happened again.

    The amazing thing is after 25 years apart we came back together and married again and we've been together 7 years. This time we have a real marriage.

    One never knows how life is going to work out. Life is its own mystery.
  8. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    shefallsasleep: we're defenitely in the same boat. To say the truth I don't speak to her because I know beforehand that I'm the only one getting hurt if I do. As I said, se knows me very well, and that means knowing how to hurt me as well, and she's vengeful and impulsive, so believe me, she will. I also feel that way, sometimes it seems I'm getting alittle over her and then I wake up one day and I'm even worse than I was before. I really just wish I could erase her totally from my memory. Not wanting to sound dramatic, but this is really pushing me to the grave...

    Chargette: Thank you for sharing your story. Tough I know my ex and know how stubborn, impulsive and "No-second-chances" she is, thus knowing that there's little chance that'll happen to me, it gives me a small glimer of hope, knowing it happened before to someone. Hope it works well for you this time.
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