Suicide really getting strong on my mind again

[ace]

Lately things have been getting on top of me and I've been thinking seriously what's the point of it all really why should I keep bothering with all this shit for?.I can't take suffering the depression and rotten moods associated with it,the OCD,the BDD the anxiety the endless shit I just can't.I keep thinking ending it will give me much needed comfort,I think what is the point of persisting in life going through the same hell?.Of course I don't wan't to really end things for varoius reasons,but I can't keep doing this.I've been fighting like hell so mcuh but I don't even know if I can keep fighting this,the thoughts of wanting to end things is getting so strong and unbearable now.It tends to feel like a matter of time,like I said I'm trying my best to resist but I don't know how much longer I can keep resisting for.I see it as pointless to keep on living like this,I've tried to change so much only to always keep relapsing and I'm tired of trying really,seriously I'm 36 and a fucking no body hopeless at everything.I've tried to hang on to the hope of returning back to my old job even saying I'd work for free there because it has meant and means so much to me.I even say things like I'd pay them money to work there I know that souns stupid but really it probably goes to chow how fucked up I really am.

I really don't know anymore I'm such a fuckin joke really,I'm no use and I just think people would be better off without a fuckin piece of shit like me no more pain in the arse annoying useless scum that's what they would probably think and I don't blame them either seriously.It's hard resisting so much the train tracks,the local park to go and take my life there the biggest bridge in town they all get me so much it's hard resisting.It's this bullshit pain everyday I've endured for years this isn't living it's just existing I don't know anymore I just don't.

 

[jht9663]

Dear ace- You're doing a great job communicating to SF what is destroying you the most, if I am allowed to use that term. In terms of getting much needed comfort, maybe there is a way to give you comfort in this life. Relax. You're doing great. Maybe instead of 'fighting' you might be able to do more 'assessing', 'relaxing', and 'approaching'. I like to think in these terms because I believe fighting against your problems leads to more problems.

And of course you're of use in this world- I just believe you haven't found your true passion yet. Or maybe your old job was your true passion, which in that case I recommend doing something similar to that if you can. Anything to help you feel better. You deserve it. I know you're working hard, you're doing great.

Warmest sympathies,
jht9663

 

[Rukia]

You know I wouldn't be better off without you. Please talk to me.
Things will get easier and you'll get your job back when you're ready for it. I really believe that. Please don't think you're a joke and no use. You are the best friend I've ever had and you always make me feel better. I know it's hard, but you are the strongest person I know, you can do this. Remember I'm always here for you. Please talk to me.

 

[1Lefty]

Ace - I care, as do many, many others here.

I notice that when I view my problems (ok, my therapist calls them challenges) as a whole, they overwhelm me and seem without any solution. If I take them one at a time, sometimes I can make some progress. I'm not claiming 100%, but I'm grinding forward.

Just normal, everyday people have ups and downs, but theirs are usually confined to slight swings. Then there are those of us whose swings can be really extreme, and sometimes we stay in the bottom a long time. I think by coming here and posting (either you or me) in this non-judgmental atmosphere, we have already stepped forward to take on our demons, challenges, whatever. At least you've got a community behind you to offer support and encouragement, and to listen when you need to vent.

Take care, man and sometimes I don't spend a lot of time here, but PM me anytime you want.

 

[nonopano]

My man, don't get too hard on yourself. The truth is everyone of us gets hit by setbacks in life. At the same time, people are different in handling these problems. It's like if we put it on a scale there'd be people who are good at dealing with them, and there'll be people who'll get hit hard by them. It's just unfortunate that we are the ones who get hit hard. In any case, I cannot offer a "universal" or a "sure" solution to your problem. However, let me offer you an approach. It's very obvious that we'd always get hit by pain. It's a given fact. You must unfortunately endure it and be patient on your journey in life, no matter how hard it is. At the same time, keep your focus on a very specific thing. Don't dwell on all problems because they'll discourage you. Having less worries means more success rate. Consequently, you'd be able to create meanings in yourlife. Build them up little by little until you create a wide meaningful world.

 

[ace]

Thank you all for your nice replies so much has just been overwhelming me as usual it gets very hard really.I know my Dr reassured me again yesterday when the time is right he'll even talk to my employer and write them letters and whatever it takes to return back to work.It all just gets too much really I can't cope with the terrible mood swings one minute high and mighty then within a matter of moments suicidal as hell and just tired of life.I'm tired of ebing so down and everything associated with it,years on end of the endless suffering is just hell.Jaht I don't know what is hurting me the most maybe it's my condition Body dysmorphic disorder it's absolute hell.I'cve been trying like hell with everything trying to do so much only to feel I fall back on my arse as usual.It just gets hard as hell that's all I can't take these thoughts and feelings anymore I'm too tired of it all.I know if I have to keep living I can't keep going on like this and I've been trying like hell to change so much.I just struggle like hell the OCD the depression the BDD and everything associated with it.

I can't help but feel why not just end it all just end the constant hell and pain,of course I don't want to and hate feeling like that it's just I'm sick and tired of feeling like shit and feeling like I'm a useless piece of shit.It seems everyone else is succeeding in life but me,I feel I'm just useless and hopeless as hell that's all.

 

[beingsneeky101]

*crying*

 

[ace]

Please don't cry it just gets very overwhelming and I constantly feel I'm better off dead,better off for everyone else as well.who want's a useless piece of annoying shit around anyway??

 

[1Lefty]

One of the few things I learned in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that just because our minds think it does not make it true. You're not a worthless piece of shit, you've been around here awhile and you have lots to offer. If you're at a low point, don't do anything harmful, stick around and soak up some of the support. You DO matter, and we care.

 

[ace]

Thank you very much it's all just been very overwhelming for me for a while now and I have been struggling with the severe strong suicidal thoughts alot.They tend to creep in my mind and I feel seriously why not do it?why not end the horrendous shocking pain?.It's so appealing of course I don't wan't to really end things,but it gets so hard fighting off the strong thoughts as well.

 

[prakash]

Ace, why so much down?? Please gather yourself and get up. Be strong. Get rid of all the negative feelings. Harbor positive thoughts, please.

 

[ace]

Thanks very much prakash just struggling with everything my conditions bi polar,Ocd,Body dysmorphic disorder and anxiety.The past is always troubling me as hard as I'm trying,I feel I'll never be able to get back to my old job and no one wants me and that i'm better off dead and would do the whole world a huge favour.Feel I just struggle too much with everything and just so tired of all the sadness and everything else really.suicide never really leaves my mind and the lure of it is so appealing no more pain and just complete rest and I just feel I want to do it so badly and want to escape this wretched hell.

 

[Tmacster1]

I'm sorry to hear about what's going on. Suicide is a tempting way to get out of the pain we feel. I agree sometimes I want to escape this wretched hell as well however I've managed to get by barely - just with the support of others on here am I starting to go through the week more easily. I hope you continue to express your emotions and feelings - I understand because suicide is a tough thing to deal with especially sense it's so tempting to do.

Trevor,

 

[ace]

Thanks alot for your post it's greatly appreciated,it just gets very overwhelming with everything all my conditions and the physical pain as well I can't help but feel alot of the time I'm better off dead really.But I'm trying my best any way I guess:smile:.